How do you do that? I don't even know if I'll hit submit at the end of this. I might chicken out. It was easy for me to accept my daughter for who she is because she's my daughter and because, well, she's always been strong-willed or my challenging child. It's just who she is and I probably love her more because she needs to be loved more. I can accept faults and shortcomings in others. Afterall, we are all human and we all have them. I can accept others limitations. I can tolerate a lot of behavior from people. But, how do find acceptance for yourself - for things that are out of your control? I spent a lot of time beating myself up for smoking, not having the best diet, etc. Then my mom told me that the cardiologist told her that it didn't matter what kind of lifestyle I had lead; that you just don't see the amount of heart disease that I have in someone my age. You don't see it until decades later. That should of been freeing and I guess in a way it was. I could stop beating myself up. But, I also feel betrayed. I feel like a failure. I'm trying to come to terms - to some kind of acceptance - with everything going on and I just find it so hard. I just keep wanting to fight it. That's all I know how to do. That's how I survived devastating depression. I fought it tooth and nail. But, I just end up so frustrated with this. I keep thinking, "Let go and let God." But, I'm so afraid to let go. I'm so afraid that if I don't keep on top of everyone and everything....I don't know. Maybe that's what this all boils down to: fear. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to deal with something that I have no control over. I hate myself on the days that I can't even load the dishwasher. I hate myself when I have to schedule appts around easy child's school so he can take me. I die a little inside when I forget who I'm talking to while I'm talking to them. Or when I forget what I'm talking about mid-sentence. I hate that I have to be so dependent on others. I keep thinking that if I just force myself or try harder or stop being such a wimp.... Maybe one of you from the TSA or PE board could give me the serenity prayer. I can't remember it. Everyone has always told me how strong I am. I feel anything but strong now. I feel so weak and pathetic and inadequate.