Marg - I am sorry to hear of the passing of husband's Uncle. My condolences to your family.
On a lighter note? I'm glad that you took the opportunity to be kind to yourself and have traditions that you are happy with. In our house? I finally relented and just decided that all holidays are really not worth the upset and aren't what they were when I was a child, nor can I ever make them that way. I tried to, and not that I fell short, but with Dude being in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or hospital? I can literally count on both hands how many celebrations we had in all our years together. Each one depressing me more than the former. It became obvious over a period of time, loss, death and therapy that each day, not just each holiday would be what I made of it. I have a choice, I had a choice then - just chose to ignore the fact and wallowed in my own pity.
After therapy - years of it - I realised that the therapist was right, no matter how much I wanted NOT to admit it, no matter HOW much I wanted to say "But you would think JUST this one day, JUST this once." It became more than evident when we had the "If I were to be close to death" conversation; you know - the one where you fantasize about your near death experince, being in the hospital and how you believe your family and especially your difficult child child would rally around your bedside being there every moment, worried to the ends of the world never leaving your side and that dramatic moment in time would forever change their behavior for the better. Well, I had that moment while Dude was in Department of Juvenile Justice, waiting to find out if he would get thirty years in prison as a 15 going on 16 year old child. It was unfair, we were honest and forthcoming to the police -and we were lied to by the cop and it cost Dude his future. Then I had a stroke and ended up in the hospital wondering if I would ever be right again.
When DF went to visitation and told Dude about what had happened to me, how severe it was, how close to 'loosing' his Mother he was? There was that moment of precipice for me thinking - 'could this be it? would this forever change him?" and what I got was a slap of reality that changed me for good. Dude looked, asked simply "IS she alright?" DF answered "She's going to be okay." and then in the next draw of his breath Dude asked for money for the candy machine. Once again it was self, me, I - needs met. I think at that very moment it was like my mind separated from my soul so-speak in a reality sort of way maybe only Mothers here can understand and it was like - "He really can NOT, he really is NOT, and even if I did die tomorrow - there would be few tears, few emotions, few thoughts...except What about ME, how does this affect ME?" I think that's when I finally accepted the ALL of his disability, and let go of so much of the "what about ME - for things like Why don't I get a card on Mother's Day, why isn't there a present for ME at my birthday, where is MY Christmas present?" You would think there COULD be something, you would think there SHOULD be something at the least - but I started to see him for what I have and not what I don't have. I have a son...I have occasional conversations with a few laughs, he's currently not in jail, he's trying to find a job, he's supporting himself the best way he can, he has goals - he takes care of his dog. Things like that. If I want a gift because I feel left out of what the rest of the world is 'getting'? I go get one. I don't need one to feel like a great Mom - because NO ONE has walked the hell I have - and I don't need an anniversary pin or a watch to tell ME I'm a danged good Mother - I know I am because I had a child that was supposed to be a life-long criminal, and anti-social child, a drug addict, an alcoholic - and he's not. To me - that's a Mother's Day present every day - and I'll take that over a card or a gift 24/7 365 because it's the gift that keeps on giving, and it gives to more than me - it gives to the world - because that's where he lives - and I go to sleep at night knowing - he's a better person because I did my best, sacrificed things that not many I know have, and I'm good with it - to me? That's a Mother's Day gift to myself and to my kids all the time. Everyone here? I wish they would feel the same way, because they've worked hard too. Maybe someday they'll see it like that. But until they do? They can take the money and go get a little something because it's just nice to have a little something. I really like this bath soap.