My sincere condolences to you and your family.
It's been several years since my difficult child father died and I think the emotion I'm left with after all these years is confusion. I still don't understand him and I don't think I ever will. He did terrible and cruel things to me, my siblings, and my mother. Now, I mostly don't think about it, or him. On a very rare occasion I wonder what in the heck drove the man to do the things he did, but there's just no answer that satisfies. So, I focus on living my life and raising my kids to be productive citizens.
((hugs))