For the love of God, I cant do this anymore

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by SomewhereOutThere, Jun 27, 2016.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I will try to skim the details.

    Barts pretrial court hearing about his sons school placement for next year did not go as expected, partly due to circunstances that were bizarre and unfortunate. So now he thinks he may lose residential custody and that his ex has rhe edge. He has no ability to sooth himself, no friends to call for support, and no coping skills when he is stressed other than to talk the subject into the ground and he calls me to give him, as he calls them, "pep talks," And I'd better say the right thing. It better put the pep in his Pepsi!

    This time, although I can pull it off sometimes, I am so flippen shocked at the quirks of today, my mind is not able to fabricate a pep talk. So he just called and, for the first time in a long time, I tensed up. But I feel sorry for him so I answered. It went something like this.

    Mom, I am so depressed and nervous. I need a pep talk.

    Well, dont worry. You dont know how this will turn out and if you dont get residential custody, you can sell your house and move close to your son anyway, like you did last time. Its not as serious as you are making it." (This was the best I could do. Im still processing the surprises myself)

    Mom, why is what you just said extremely stupid?

    (feeling clueless and getting angry) I give up. Why????

    Because you just said I could move if I dont get residential custody! That means you think I may not win residential custody!!! How is that supposed to make me feel better???? If that's the best you got, then Im wasting my time here,"

    "Yep, its the best I got. I will talk to you when you dont insult me. Love you." (Get off phone.)

    I tell my spouse who has some choice comments about what HE would have said, along with words like selfish, self centered, childish, etc. I nod. I agree.

    Sometimes I think Bart has narcissistic traits. I have another relative who is a narcissist and there are similarities.

    Thankfully Jumper saved the day, just after that, by texting us thank yous for coming out yesterday,buying her a vacuum cleaner and treating everyone to dinner.

    Sometimes it is hard to love them the same.

    Well, I think its more a matter of we love them all the same, but we dont like them equally. If I didnt love Bart, Id stop trying to help when he calls. He is by far my most difficult child.

    I am going to watch TV and this time I really won't answer the phone if he tries again. He needs a shrink, a male friend, a group of dads going through divorces, a DOG (but he hates animals)...but clearly he is overly dependent on me and I am not doing enough to detach from his problems.

    I clearly have to resign as his personal therapist and life coach combined and let him walk the rest of this journey alone. Yelling at me doesn't help him and sure does not help me.

    If I drank or smoked pot, id be doing it now.:hammer:
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    Last edited: Jun 27, 2016
  2. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Ugh. I'm so sorry. I don't know what else you could have said. The fact is, court cases are not open and shut. They might award him residential custody. From what I've read he has a good shot, but there is never 100% one way or the other.

    I agree with your husband.
  3. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member


    seems as if your son wanted to hear one thing, and one thing only. Anything else was totally unacceptable.

    This is human at its most basic level when frantic? I am thinking that, only because I have felt that many times....... while frantic. Not when I am feeling level-headed.

    You were talking from your gut (sensibly) and trying to prepare B for what might happen.

    Yes, pot would most likely help you right now.


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  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Ss, yes, but it is so exhausting. Hub remembers him at 15 when he would do this and says he is stuck there. I agree with hub too.

    He is also convinced the sun revolves around his orbit. He seems limited in caring about anyone or anything outside of his little world. And at his age and with no motivation and not even an awareness that he is like this, I dont anticipate a change. His son is his world. Too much so, Im starting to think. He is loving to his child, but doesnt want to ever let go of him. Bart needs friends and outside interests besides his son. His don is still young. He is not going to adore him forever. Those teen years dont mean hanging around with dad.
  5. I thought after reading your other thread where he was mad about you going out for Father's Day that he had some narcissistic traits. I think you are on to something and it is really hard to have healthy relationships, Nigh impossible. Ex was, and my oldest shows so many signs.

    And I agree that he needs to stop using you as his sounding board. Especially since it isn't working! He is clearly not helped or comforted, and it is so draining for you. My brother used to do this and believe me he was NOT happy when I put a stop to it. He felt completely unloved and betrayed. But it wasn't healthy and I couldn't take the stress. There are other people they can talk to! But I think they know they couldn't get away with using other people as a verbal punching bag like that so that is why they call us rather than turning to professionals, support groups, friends, etc. Which is all the more reason to put a stop to it.
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Night Owl. Youre right, of course.

    In one big way I am fortunate. Bart moved to Missouri. That is pretty far from me. He won't travel so his only way to reach me is by my cell phone.

    If I dont answer it, he can't ask for a pep talk.

    I am not going to cut him off. I cant. But I am going to put my phone on silence more often and call him on MY time. His ex could bring him to court for ten more years and i really can't be his main support person each time she does.

    Thanks for wise words.
  7. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    I am glad you are not going to cut Bart off, SWOT. Remember before, when you needed to establish boundaries for Bart because he go too upset to establish them for himself ~ and do you remember helping me learn to do the same for my son.

    You are doing the right thing for Bert, and for you.

    I am sorry he mistreated you, SWOT. I think you handled it well.

  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Cedar. When he is stressed he is awful and says impossible things like I need to be a rock for im not a rock type of person and he is just too old to need me this way. I cant do it. Its too stressful.He likes me to be by the phone for him 24/7. Ridiculous. I wont do that. im going out phone at all.
  9. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    Good for you that you are taking the day off! I agree, he has to find another outlet rather than you being his sole support. That is too much for you!! I know it's a hard situation.

    Being a mom can be SO HARD!!
  10. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    WOW! Sometimes you just can't win. I'm sorry that you had to endure that. You have always been there for him but I suppose he doesn't see that way.
    I'm glad you can see when his behavior crosses the line and you know to not answer the phone. I really hope he will calm down so you can have a supportive chat with him. I also hope that the judge will find in his favor.
  11. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Enjoy your phone - free day, SWOT. Sounds like heaven.
  12. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly Active Member

    SWOT, I think your response about selling house and moving was great one- because it was a positive possible solution should things go south on the hearing. I am hoping the Judge finds in his favor. Enjoy the stepping back with the phone on silence for a while.

    I wonder if there is an online support forum for Dad's in Bart's situation and residential custody case. Maybe you could search and provide him information. Just a thought. I mean, we have this place for support, maybe there is something online for Dad's.

    Here is one: (SID)=c9d5f5a3f319ca0c0c88c45d01038b62
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    There is but he wants to know things specific to his county/state. I actu ally talked to him a few minutes ago. The phone woke me from a nap and I didnt look at who was calling.

    He is much calmer today. Actually his lawyer told him his son was not going to be moved to another school. His lawyer is calm and confident and I am not sure why son was so freaked out yesterday. I did get off fast because I am tired and was still ticked from yesterday.

    How can one person be so stressed one day then so calm the next? I am not taking my phone with me tomor thank you oe ei thank you her and Thursday I work all day. No phones allowed.
  14. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    I get it but well doubt that friends fill that spot specifically. No friend or anyone wanna hear somebody complaining about the same problem over and over and you can lose them like that. But I think he knows he will not lose you.
  15. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I get that, adad, but spreading it around maybe? I cant be at his beck and call either. I have a busy life, a job, a husband and three other adult children. He needs ti learn how to soothe himself. Or go out and di things to take his mind off his problems.
  16. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly Active Member

    I get it too- my two sons call me for advice and support. But Difficult Child is the one that can get over-whelming. I have got burned out and had to let the phone go to VM at times; often with a text can't talk in a meeting will call later. Usually works

    I just thought it was a way to make some online friends and also get some advice and support and give you a break. I am telling my son he needs to lean on others and help himself as best as he can because someday I won't be here. I could die tomorrow and he has to learn how to seek out help and resources at some point.
  17. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thanks, I b.

    My son is 38. He acts like a toddler if he thinks Im not giving him enough time and can be abusive. He hasnt been abusive for a while, but he's doing it now. Trying to reason with him when he is like this doesn't work.

    im pretty fed up right now and plan to keep my phone at home tomorrow. I really just dont want to talk to him right now. Its never pleasant. Its constant complaining, some of it very childish and silly. And he will absolutely do nothing to make his life better. There is a reason why nothing will work.

    I think Im going to say ill he at work too. ill text it in the morning. I cant c arry my phone at work. I hate to lie, but I need a break.

    This weekend is my granddaughters birthday and everyone but him is staying in Chicago for a few days. I will not be talking to him while I'm down there and im sure he wont like that. oh, well.
    Last edited: Jun 28, 2016
  18. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Nothing will change between the pre-trial and the trial. Certainly nothing within a few days of the pre-trial conference. So the only reason for him to call would be to vent.

    Enjoy your holiday!
  19. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thank you Lil. His venting reminds me of a toddler. Its horrible, whiny, controlling and abusive. He is too old for this. I am too old for this

    I intend on taking a break :) Thank you so much.