fuming at husband

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Ktllc, Jun 21, 2012.

  1. Ktllc

    Ktllc New Member

    I just want to scream, it keeps on going round and round in my head.
    The inhertance drama (for whoever recalls) is not over yet. We had hired an attorney to just keep us posted on things. But the main motto was watch and see.
    Well, an other settlement was offered and, of course, husband is NOT happy about it. All the other siblings ran out of money and cannot pay their lawyers anymore (big surprise! irony of course) and two brothers will walk away with 1 million dollar farm that they put under their name when father in law was still alive but could not make such a decision due to Alzheimer. The trick is to prve that father in law was not in a healthy state of mind. That would be LONG and very expensive. Probably would take a decade.
    husband and I don't have the money to do it and yet, husband is mad at me because I refuse to fight. I asked him how he would budget such a legal battle and he has no answer, just "we'd manage".
    Seriously???? :rollingpin:We just gotta out of a very DEEP hole that husband dug all on his own before we even met. To summerize it: a dairy farm, half a million dollar in debt, real estate market disaster and 7 long years of battle to finally over come it. And when I married him, I never knew how bad the financial situation was. husband had such a flawed idea of the reality.
    But yet, it is all my fault that his brother "stole" the farms, husband has nothing anymore (he seems to conveniently forget about our flourishing business), I should have let him fight, blablbla.
    Sure, we are doing good financially now, but it is fairly recent and we still don't have 10's of thousand of dollars to spare.
    I gotta real mad at him on the phone, I told him that it was so nice of him to blame the one person who stood by him no matter what. The one person that he could and can always count on. The situation is not fair, but it is in no way my fault and should not call me if he does not like what I have to say. Seriously, what does he want me to say???
    Goodness, I'm not even 30 and he is 45!!! I feel like I'm dealing with a toddler having a tamper tantrum. All I said is: take the 25 grands and move on. I had enough!
    Whew... off my chest.:yapyapyapf:
     
  2. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    I am sure you are right. Your position is completely right and logical. And yet... your husband clearly feels really deeply about this. I am not saying that you "should" take on the legal fight (as you say, bound to be long, bound to drain your finances) but your husband feels an issue of injustice is at stake and he wants to stand up against it. That's a pretty deep impulse, really, and I can understand why he got upset with you in the heat of the moment. Sorry, that sounds like I am being unsupportive of you... Really I do think your position is also completely understandable but for some reason, it is your husband's depth of feeling about this that jumps out at me. When our sense of integrity is involved, we need to be heard about it, I think. I'm sure you do hear him, but feelings are running high at the moment, it sounds like...
     
  3. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    It's always easiest to blame the ones you love the most. difficult child 1 does that to me frequently. Are you sure husband isn't on the spectrum? difficult child 1 has a VERY strong sense of "injustice" and will fight tooth and nail if he thinks he's been wronged, no matter who it is. {{{{HUGS}}}}
     
  4. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    JMO... but... at 15+ year age gap? He's going to be coming at the situation from a totally different perspective, just based on age. And no, you won't see what he sees, or feel what he feels - even BEFORE emotion comes into it. Which makes the whole thing very challenging to resolve.

    My parents were 7 years apart... and THAT was a huge barrier on major decisions, for just that reason.
     
  5. Ktllc

    Ktllc New Member

    LOL, I actually believe husband has LOTS of Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) traits. He is the most honest person I have ever met and simply does not understand that people lie and cheat. He is this big tough guy, but he actually is so innocent. Next to him, I often feel synical and selfish although I know I'm not.
    With that said, it does not make it right to blame me. Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) or not, he is a mature man and should spare me the phone call if he is not ready to hear my advice.
     
  6. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    You're right (again :)) He should not have blamed or got angry with you. He rang you for your opinion and you gave it. But he wants you to support him in his feelings. He is going about it the wrong way, alienating you instead of getting you on his side - that's what we do all the time, through lack of communication skill and our own need to be heard and understood...
    He will probably ring and apologise...
     
  7. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    He wasn't looking for advice.
    He wanted support.
    Which you aren't prepared to give on this issue...
     
  8. buddy

    buddy New Member

    oh my wow. I can see how he would want to fight....not even as much for the money maybe but how awful to have sibs that would do that! But I'd be like you, just settle and walk. My father actually had a similar thing, his uncle bought seven farms for my grandma's seven kids (they didn't have any of their own) and it was Wisc. river land.....millions of dollars worth even way back when he died. His wife, my dad's aunt felt that her husband was wrong, it came from God and should go to God so she gave it all to the Cathedral in St. Paul. Several of the uncles fought, it really hurt my grandma and aunt, and yes she was nuts, but my dad felt like it was her choice...they had nothing to begin with. Its terrible that money can pull a family apart like that.

    I'm so sorry he went off on you like that. I hope he apologizes. Sending you a hug and warrior wife armor!
     
  9. Ktllc

    Ktllc New Member

    You're right on Malika. And as this issue is not new, I have told him over and over , and today again, that I do understand his feelings, that the whole situation is messed up/wrong/unfair, that the one person who stayed honest is being ripped at the end. But there are feelings and reality. The reality being that no matter how unfair, we cannot do much about it.
    I did call him back a bit later and asked him how he was doing. He actually started talking about work! lol I had to rephrase it a bit and he did not apologize but simply said that he was angry over it but he did not want to think about it anymore. He's home now and I leave this conversation alone for now.
    Everytime he hears from his family, it put some strain on our couple. But at least, he bounces back a lot faster now. It used to takes days, now just a few hours. I just don't want to be yelled at over the same old story anymore.
     
  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    K I so understand this whole situation. Its the whole Men are from Mars situation. He feels so strongly about how he was done wrong and I agree with him totally on that by the way, I may have a loophole for you guys to think about using or even holding over said idiot brothers heads to maybe make them more willing to listen to reason. After I finish this little bit of sympathy chat I will give you my loophole. I think all of us if we have been told or at least expect that we are going to be getting something from our family when they died, then we would be expecting it. I know I expected my father to have planned for me and had something set up for my kids. It certainly didnt work out that way as far as I know. If my step-mom lied I will never know it because in VA if the house and cars are in both spouses names and the surviving spouse claims there is no will and no one else can prove there is one, the estate doesnt have to go to probate. So even though I was his sole heir, the only thing I got was a CD he had put in both of our names years ago. She got their house which was completely paid for, her car...which she should have, all his retirement money, all their bank accounts, all his life insurance policies. I think there was a will because I asked my dad several years before he died if he would put in his will that Tony would get his power tools when he died and he said he would. Now my step-mom gave us no issue with taking the tools but I wonder why.

    Of course this isnt millions of dollars. My stepmom didnt need my dads money. She inherited almost a half million when her mom died about 20 years ago and my dad has paid most of the bills the whole time they have been married. She invested well and only paid for things she really wanted or things for her kids.

    As you can see, I am still sorta ticked off and so are my kids. She was supposed to find "something" that was important to my dad for Cory and Billy so they could have something to remember him by. Jamie got all his Marine stuff and I got his truck and one Marine ship picture plus I got back some of my baby pictures she gave to Jamie. She swore she had just the perfect ring in mind for Cory...my dad always wore this signet ring that was gold with his initials. Dad had fairly small hands but so does Cory. It is really old. If it doesnt fit him, I will pay to have the top part cut off and attached to the top of a new ring that will fit him. I think it is too old and thin to stretch. Or we could make it into a necklace for him. I have no idea what would be actually sentimental in there to Billy. I know I want my red Bible, the vhs tapes dad took of my boys, and the old slides my mom and dad took of me when I was a baby. Why she would ever want those I dont know. She didnt even want pictures of me at 15. Or me and my boys during her marriage to my dad. I was going on and on about how I was so worried about how to find out about this stuff about a will or what my dad had left me in a group one day and this lady popped off at the mouth and said I had no business even worrying about it. It was none of my business. As his wife, she deserved to get everything. I shouldnt get a damned thing! I said wait a second, she has only been his wife for 20 years and he has been my father for my entire life...which at that time was 49 years!

    Ok...my loophole. If anyone got gramma to sign over that farm within 3 to 5 years before she went to stay in a nursing home and if at anytime during that nursing home stay she required medicare or medicaid....mainly medicaid because they are the ones who pay for long term nursing home care, well that is illegally transfer of funds. I would bet my right arms she didnt make them pay her the fair market value of the land, if she charged them anything at all. You could check public records for the price that the land was sold for or if it was just passed over. At that point you can point out to the brothers that what they did was completely illegal and could get granny tossed out on her rear to their house. OR....they could just split the land the way it was supposed to be split originally and all will just e fine
     
  11. Ktllc

    Ktllc New Member

    Thanks Janet, but there are no easy loophole in this case. The farm was transfered for 1 dollar and I do have documentation, but father in law paid for all his care on his own with other funds. The agency taking care of him was suing the brothers to get back the farm because the funds were quickly disppearing. But father in law died before the funds were all gone or before the agency could finish their action. And there are actually so much more to the story (farm equipment worth lots of money, cattle, other houses, etc). I had asked our attoney if he would take the case and accept to be paid a percentage on the result. I think I had offered 50/50. He took his time to weigh the pros and cons and the complexity of the situation and decided he would not do it. The battle would simply be too long and uncertain.
     
  12. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I wonder if it's old sibling rivalry rearing it's ugly head? Sort of sounds like it, even if husband won't admit it.

    My mom doesn't have millions.........actually I'm not sure what she has left, but she's not broke...........and I hope to heaven her will is spelled out in spades or she finds a way to give everyone their inheritance early because I see trouble ahead when she passes. Last I heard I am executor and it's not a job I want, thankyouverymuch. Not when it will mean dealing with more than one difficult child........who probably has the attitude mom owes them something. blah I tried to opt out of my inheritance completely more than once. I truly don't need the drama, nor is it in my opinion worth the drama. But mom will have none of it. ugh

    Maybe you could show husband how much better off he is without the burden of the farms around his neck?

    ((hugs))
     
  13. svengandhi

    svengandhi Well-Known Member

    I am wondering why it would take 10 years to show that father in law was not competent to make a will? Where are his medical records? The lawyer should get them and have them reviewed by a medical expert or would his own doctor testify about his competency? When was the will done in relation to when he died? My H is an estate lawyer and I am also an attorney and the only estates I've ever heard of taking that long to settle are those like Anna Nicole Smith's ancient husband and her vs. the son. They're all dead now and I think the fight is still going on.

    They are offering him $25K and they stand to make millions? No wonder your H is angry. I would be livid, too, and would fight it as well. At the very least, demand more money. They could settle for $200K and still have loads...
     
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