Got violent yesterday...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by lovemysons, Oct 25, 2011.

  1. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    daughter in law's mother literally attacked her...and of course she is pregnant.

    Night before last, daughter in law came over to our house to see young difficult child. She left the 2 grandbabies at home with her mother without asking her mother to take care of them. She also took her mother's car since her inspection sticker on her own car has expired.

    When she returned home from our house her mother came into her room while she was laying down and started hitting her. She said her mother got her pretty good in the eye and scratched up her arm.
    I asked her if her mother had ever "attacked" her like this before and she told me yes when she was around 6th grade.

    daughter in law went on to suggest that maybe it is her smart mouth that got her attacked this way as she had told her mother she was going to bed and to leave her alone while her mother had initially been yelling at her.

    daughter in law said her whole body hurt when she woke up.

    This situation (that young difficult child has put all through) continues to deteriorate.
    Please say a prayer that these two and the children will end up okay in the end.

    Thank you,
    LMS
     
  2. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Will be thinking of y'all.
     
  3. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Thanks so much HaoZi!
    ...You're an early bird too, huh?

    LMS
     
  4. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Oh dear. Hugs to you. Sound like a tough situation. Do you think you are getting the whole story?
     
  5. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Thank you toughlovin!

    Yes, I do think I am getting the whole story as young difficult child and his mother in law had texted conversation via my phone yesterday morning.

    Here is what was said...

    Young difficult child..."Hey mother in law if wife and I need to go on a seperation during this time so be it. If that will you to leave her alone please don't hurt her she just wants to be with her husband as a family. Her intentions are good. I'm sorry for my part in this mess. I called u the other night to apologise. Please don't hurt wife. Our family love u please don't do this infront of the children."

    mother in law said..."I would not involve the kids look who is talking about hurting wife you the king of domestic charges over and over you have done all kinds of stuff in front of the kids."

    Young difficult child said..."Please don't be so bitter I don't agreewith any of this morning all that I want to know is that my wife is safe."

    mother in law said... "Now you care very funny don't be bitter you say think about my house my atm my credit card but none of that matters I only want my grandkids safe from you also the abuse you gave gher the bruises the mental abuse how you told her in both pregnancies you had sex with others now you worry. I guess you are in the care phase of your cycles. You were not even here this AM your wife is asleep."

    Young difficult child said..."You have no idea what your talking about, I'm not going to dignify your hatred and inaccurate babbelings my children don't need protection from me at this moment they need it from you. I care also I don't care what you think about me I hope your hatred tastes good, I'm trying my best to get my life in order for my family you act like I've been in my relationship with wife but you are more ignorant and unimformed judgmental person I will be apart of there life mother in law in some capacity it is not Your marriage they are not your kids thank you for all that you have done for us what cany I say? Please leave her alone it's not good when wife calls me to let me know you woke gher up shile she's pregannt beating her up it not good shen she tells me you have hid her own car keys and are holding her hostage. By the way my mom has heard all of this im not going to call the police on you that is not up to me whatever happend you need to be honest with yourself You are not the victim sadly wife and our children are don't do this **** and I agree I won't have her come over in the middle of the night just leave us alone we will so the same for you leave our relationship alone you need to realize your drama is nasy that you have anger problems. How about this you work on You I'll work on me and we agree to leave my wife and kids out of the wake of our carnage? What do you think do you think we can not involve them do you think we can learn to tolerate one another maybe not I hope I hope nothing but the best for you thank you for being tghere for us I'm sorry for my part in this mess lets try to resolve something please.

    mother in law said... "Never mind going to the store to get kids food I never took the keys to her car no point going through this anymore."

    Young difficult child said..."My mom does not want to be involved in our drama please please can we find a compromise what do you want from me how can I help this stitutaion I"ll do anything accept be out of my kids life and divorcing wife how can I help this
    Oh okay sorry just got your message please try to have a good day thank you for getting food for our kids and being the grandma you are to them. I will not have wife over late I won't call late I promised you that the other night I'm sorry to you for this mess I do respect you and I recognize how imprtant you are to my family."


    That is their "text conversation". mother in law never deny's having hit/attacking daughter in law so I really think she did. Plus I had a conversation with daughter in law last night and I believe her. Her mom just lost it.
    Apparently my grandson woke up near the end of mother in law attacking daughter in law. I am sure he is going to need some counseling at some point as the adults in his life do not seem to know how to resolve conflict with reasonable solutions. He has been exposed to a variety of threatening situations now, in my opinion and am sure it is having an emotional effect on this little guy.

    The situation is pretty sad.
    Thank you for the hugs toughlovin.

    LMS
     
  6. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Prayer said and I will continue. You are on the list, smile.
     
  7. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    LMS,

    Oh I feel for all of you and especially worry about daughter in law and the kids. I don't know if she has or not but she needs to reach out to a domestic violence agency and see if she can get some support... A good DV Agency will work with her where she is and will not try and tell her what to do. I suspect she has had abuse from her mom for a long time, even if it was only emotional.... and so that is going to make it harder for her to sort out the abuse issues with your son. So she needs to get herself some real help if she is going to also help her kids.

    It is heartbreaking when you see your difficult child hurting other people and know that is going on. This is a terrible situation for you.... and all you can really do is just to love those grandkids as much as you can.

    Hugs,

    TL
     
  8. keista

    keista New Member

    ((((HUGS)))) and prayers going out
     
  9. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    What a mess! Those poor children. Of course I'll pray for them. -RM
     
  10. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Obviously violence in unacceptable and I'm sorry to read about it. on the other hand, daughter in law's Mother has been pushed to the max by her difficult child and yours. Her life has been completely taken over by their antics and so her middle aged life is amuck with no way to escape with-o sacraficing the children. She's providing a home for three...and now finds out it is going to be four! Good heavens I feel great compassion for her. They just assume she will make sure the children are fed, clothed and appropriately housed. Like the rest of us who have adult difficult child's she must be near her cracking point. Everything she has tried has failed.

    I've never read of her displaying violence before and hope it never happens again. Does she have reason to see a light at the end of the tunnel? I don't think so. She can detach and send them off into the world alone but then she has no way of knowing the babies are safe, fed or nurtured. Reasurances from your difficult child have proven to be baseless.

    I'm sorry, my friend, but I can't help but feel sorry for mother in law. As always I continue to hope that a miracle takes place so your family is aok. DDD
     
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I tend to be with DDD on this one. I am not sure I wouldnt have cracked a long time ago. Obviously I am no angel and have laid hands on Cory at times in his life. I think if he had done the things your son had done, and his wife (or girlfriends) had done them with children in my house and expected me to pick up the pieces constantly...I would have gone around the bend long ago. I mean seriously, it hasnt been all that different except Cory and Mandy are not alcoholics and after he did his theft thing he hasnt done it again and if Mandy had ever done it to me, she would have been so gone from my house that Cory would have needed a GPS system to locate her.

    I really feel for those kids. I think they are getting the shortest end of the stick possible, however it really is up to the parents to tend to them and if they dont or cant then either CPS has to step in or the grandparents can band together to have the parents declared unable to care for them and take custody.
     
  12. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Toughlovin,
    I will try and talk to daughter in law about going to a domestic violence group again.

    DDD, I understand. Yes, mother in law has been through H no doubt about it. And no, none of us can see a light at the end of the tunnel at this point.

    Janet, I agree, we will all likely have to come together at some point and do what is best for the grandchildren.

    What I did not say...Is that husband hit young difficult child yesterday morning. husband had given young difficult child money to buy my cigarettes. Young difficult child was to bring back all of the change. He didn't...he (as we found evidence of) spent it on alcohol.

    I don't agree that hitting is acceptable for any reason but I do see the adults in this situation being brought to their breaking points.
    I suppose the only reason I haven't "broken" is because I am properly medicated. I can't even have a really good cry when I want to...like when difficult child had has suicide attempt last week.

    I may need to start seeing a therapist though or go back to Family's Anonymous etc. I have to continue to reach out for help as there seems to be no good end to this situation as it is.

    Thank you all for the care, prayer and support here,
    LMS
     
  13. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    This is all getting to a place that isnt good for any of you. It reminds me of when everything was so bad here and Cory and Tony were in what I can only describe as this testosterone filled, macho fight to the death match over who was going to rule my house. It was really ugly. They were screaming and threatening each other constantly. I made the huge mistake of getting in the middle and taking sides which just made things so much worse. I should have held firm with Tony but I sided with Cory at times which let him think that he was in charge too. Oh it was bad.

    Now that Cory is living on his own, he and his dad are much better friends.
     
  14. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Aw hun - what a miserable situation. I don't agree with physical violence BUT it doesn't sound like a cycle of abuse as much as it sounds like frustration that became physical. Which is NOT Excusable but is totally UNDERSTANDABLE.

    I don't believe the phrase "maybe that will knock some sense into them..." but I can certainly understand the sentiment when nothing else has worked. So frustrating to to have our words twisted and used against us, to see a cycle of destruction repeated and enhanced, to think of yet another wee baby being born to inept parents...

    Can you call a shelter? Get the info? Take daughter in law to lunch and offer to drive her there after she is well fed and feeling perhaps a bit more rational?

    And in the meantime - difficult child is rejecting your offers to help him, daughter in law is unhelpable - so redirect your time and energy to you and take care of yourself. What would you do for your best friend in this situation? Do that for yourself...{{{hugs}}}
     
    Lasted edited by : Oct 25, 2011
  15. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    Ditto what Signorina said. Prayers going up that at least daughter in law will come to her senses. How did she manage to get pregnant AGAIN despite order of protection?
     
  16. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Janet,
    Sometimes it feels like it could get to that point but young difficult child is not really husband's rival. They're nothing alike. Now, oldest difficult child is the type A driven outgoing charming leader type like husband but young difficult child is an introvert, who would rather read weather models and debate politics on the internet for hours on end. Young difficult child is a "wanna be" when it comes to exhibiting some kind of authority. Trust me, husband rules this house not young difficult child.
    I am trying very hard though not to come to young difficult child's defense when husband is upset with him.

    Yes Signorina, I definitely can get ahold of a domestic abuse shelter and get info for daughter in law. I think that's a wonderful idea.
    daughter in law and I are close friends...She knows she can talk to me. I wish I had taken her to DV shelter when young difficult child was in jail...Maybe things wouldn't have gotten so out of hand. Maybe she wouldn't be pregnant with a 3rd now, I don't know.
    Thank you for your care.

    ThreeShadows, While husband and I were out of town and had kicked young difficult child out of our home and he was living with friends...Young difficult child was arrested and went to jail for hitting the front windsheild of he and daughter in law's car. A "shard" of glass flew to the backseat where the grandkids were. It hit granddaughter in the forehead and bled some. Granddaughter did not go to the hospital, received no stitches, just a bandaid. The "order" that CPS had daughter in law sign was to keep young difficult child away from their children, not to keep daughter in law from young difficult child. In fact, it was daughter in law who picked up young difficult child from jail the day he was released on a "PR Bond".
    I know daughter in law saw young difficult child at least a couple of times without the children as I came home at times and found her here with young difficult child.

    Oh, and Janet...I'm not sure how far along daughter in law is with this pregnancy but the way she found out several weeks ago is because she had bronchitis and was running a high fever went to ER one evening and they were going to do chest X-Ray but gave her pregnancy test first...that is how it was confirmed.

    Thank you all for the support to me. I know some of you must despise my young difficult child...understandable. He is not the healthiest person by any means and needs help of his own, with his alcoholism, addiction issues as well as anger management.
    He is the middle child and I have always had a special concern for him. He was never "dad's favorite" or the sweet adorable baby girl. He is kind of quirky and has no drive or ambition. He definitely has anxiety issues and I have believed, since he was dxd at age 14 with it, that he also has Bipolar Disorder like me. If any of you sat down with him you'd probibly like him...he can be extremely sweet and very thoughtful...He is the one child I have always been able to depend on to remember me on my Birthday or Mother's Day. He is not a monster by any means but he is troubled.

    Thank you all again for the support...ideas care and prayer.
    LMS
     
  17. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    Hi LMS, none of our children are monsters. They are loved and cared for and about. Their behavior and immaturity causes them to behave in less than stellar ways. Those of us who are gifted to raise responsible young adults have to watch that we don't enable or justify their behavior and help them to seek the proper treatment and prevent them from hurting themselves and others. I don't always like my difficult child's behavior.
    Your young difficult child has many issues all made worse by alcohol and a dependent, enabling female friend who continues to produce children they can't support or raise alone. Lots of reasons for volatility.
    Will he seek treatment for his emotional disability or would he be willing to admit that he needs help to learn how to cope like an adult? He seems to need a lot of intervention as does girlfriend.
     
  18. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Fran,
    Thank you for the words of comfort and support as well as gently nudging me to seek out some treatment for young difficult child.

    I just got off the phone with a local counceling group. I have an appointment scheduled for Tuesday at 3:30. They sound like they are Exactly what difficult child needs. Services that include...marriage counceling, addiction, abuse, Bipolar, etc. The woman I spoke with sounds lovely and told me we might be able to negotiate the cost of this counceling with our councelor.

    I would also like to take young difficult child to an AA meeting if he'll let me. Both of my sons had yrs of mandatory AA in their teen years and both are leary of it.

    I did speak with young difficult child last night about getting real, facing his true problems and seeking help. I told him he must keep this about himself...this is not necessarily about daughter in law mother in law etc. I told him he must be thoroughly honest about the nature of his problems. I asked him some pointed questions for which I believe he was honest with ME about...hopefully he can be as forthright with professionals.

    Thank you for caring and for sticking by me and my family for so many years now.
    LMS
     
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