Have a grandkid on General Parenting, now I'm here for his mother. Yay.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by HMBgal, Aug 30, 2016.

  1. HMBgal

    HMBgal Active Member

    On my signature, my daughter is described as meth addict, clean for 10 years, except she isn't. Hasn't worked in two months, looks like hell, and isn't really functioning on any level effectively. It's so hard to watch this happen again. And I can raise her children, which seems content to let me do, pay her rent so she has some place to be with her children, except that we aren't going to let that happen anymore. We don't think the children are safe around her anymore. My head is spinning from this realization. I kind of knew it for awhile, but it was confirmed today. I'm so sad. And we had an IEP at grandson's new school and she never showed up, didn't call, nothing. I was sitting in the office, they weren't allowed to talk to me because I'm not legally entitled to it, even though I signed the last IEP, etc. I felt like a perfect idiot not knowing where she was, she wasn't answering texts, and I finally got a call 30 minutes later with her apologizing. She just spaced it, she said. This is supposed to be a fresh start of grandson in a new school. I'm so mad and disappointed, along with being sad.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You need to get legal custody. If she won't sign that over to you, call CPS. The grands are innocent. Your daughter is an adult who knows better. I am sorry.
     
  3. mof

    mof Momdidntsignupforthis

    Oh...that's awful...she's your daughter but those grand s are innocent.

    Why, why, why do they go back to that?

    You need custody...she needs to be reported..hope she can get help and get another 10 years....

    Hugs...
     
  4. savior no more

    savior no more Active Member

    HMBgal -
    I remember the dreaded ARD meetings and the IEP's. So sorry you had to not only endure this with your daughter and grandson but to have it happen in a crowd of people brings on a layer of humiliation. And I so relate to the fresh starts in a new school. I think that is the only thing that gets me through some times - fresh starts because the past $%#@ have traumatized me with my Difficult Child that I want to just erase it all. It's funny they wouldn't talk to you because legally you aren't the parent but I guarantee you when things got really hard they would be calling for your help.
    Hugs to you and wisdom and energy in taking care of the grandson. Do you get the feeling your daughter is into drugs again or could something else be going on like depression, etc.?
     
  5. HMBgal

    HMBgal Active Member

    Savior no more,
    Definitely depression, untreated ADHD, kind of a hoarder, disorganized, never on time for anything, which is the main reason she gets fired over and over again. She also has zero focus ability, other than the hyper-focus that these ADHD folks have. This is not good in a job where she has to multi-task and be fast and efficient. She's a dental assistant and there's a severe shortage of them, so she keeps getting hired, then fired, which knocks her further off her game each time and makes her feel worse about herself. Super smart, attractive girl, bright personality--everyone loves her until she drives them nuts with her disorganization and lateness. And even then, people give her chance after chance.

    But, we are going to have to have another hard talk with her. She breaks down crying, feels horrible, pulls it together for a day or two, then she's off her game again. We simply can't trust her. And she has a thing for younger men and the last one she brought into her home got drunk and broke into her place while she was gone visiting her sister. Swell. He said how dare she make him homeless. Yeah, that's exactly the kind of people I want around my grandchildren. Then he texted her about fifty times telling her what a crappy parent she is and how she needs to come down hard on my grandson. Really swell. We are upstanding, respected members of our community and the fact that she is doing this stuff, hanging out in neighborhood dive bars (she also pulls a couple of shifts in an upscale dinner house, so her friends are bartenders, etc.) and not doing what you would expect a 40-year old mother of two to be doing--it's hard.

    She spaced out on the IEP meeting yesterday, then went to a new dental office 45 minutes later (finally put out a resume after two months) and rocked the interview. She'll probably get the job because she presents so well. But, we've given up hope that she won't be late and will get fired again. We've explained over and over again that there aren't many jobs that pay you to be late, slow, and disorganized. She's great with patients and they love her, but it's bottom line with dentists and they are business people at the end of the day.

    As far as getting custody, if her ex gets wind of her using again (although by accounts from people I trust, it's episodic, but I see the signs), he'll snatch these kids so fast it will make your head spin because he hates paying her the little bit of child support he just recently had to start giving her. He has an extremely jealous new wife with three other children of hers, all from different fathers, and one toddler together, plus my grandkids. They go to his house on weekends. My grandson refused to go for two years and really dislikes his father, but has learned to hold it together to go and stay the last two weekends because they have a new X-box and one of his step-brothers is a pretty nice kid.

    That home is under a lot of stress and they blame my daughter for all of it because she finally started getting some child support--1/4 what he should have to pay. I'm sure the new wife is getting child support from the father of her children, but they deny it. They are probably as broke as my daughter is, and I feel for them, but I don't want them getting my grandkids full time. They love being at our house and we've been the one constant in their lives. The father and his wife have sent the nastiest, foul-mouthed, angry, disjointed emails to my daughter that you can imagine. I keep them all, yes I do. I've managed to keep an open, polite communication with the father via email for the kids' sake. But he pretty much has the same mental health issues as my grandson.

    So, I'm trying to figure out how to get her some free mental health care so she can get back on her Wellbutrin and then explore something for her ADHD. She refused to take an stimulants before because of the guilt over her meth use. But, I think she's more open to it now, but she can't even afford Obama care at this point. All the undocumented workers in our community get free health care, dentistry, food at school, and subsidized housing, but she can't get anything. I need to figure out how they do it. I realize that sounds bitter, but we are struggling so hard with this.
     
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  6. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Ha she checked with the city or county?

    They usually have low or no-cost services available for mental health needs.

    Like we always say, nothing changes if nothing changes.

    Maybe it's time or a change?
     
  7. savior no more

    savior no more Active Member

    It does sound to me that if she could access the right mental health care and be treated she might not seek the self-treatment of meth. There are newer medications that they prescribe for people with addiction issues very successfully. What I find idiotic crazy is that our MHMR system in the US will not recognize or treat ADHD, Only bipolar and schizophrenia. The main reason I'm sure is funding dollars because bipolar and schizophrenia are a smaller subset of the population. My heart hurts for her and you in trying to deal with her life. I have watched the mother of the man I was dating deal with his life-long ADD. I think if we were to quantify the cost of ADD and seemingly intelligent people not meeting their potential the cost would be astronomical.
     
  8. savior no more

    savior no more Active Member

    I might add that I'm probably not going to be able to afford my retiree health insurance as it will run $1,200 a month for me and my daughter. No one can afford what is fixing to come down the pike. It would almost be better to cash pay.
     
  9. HMBgal

    HMBgal Active Member

    Oh my heavens, savior nm! That is worrisome! And yes, the costs of ADD is so high and hard to even describe unless you live with it. It's been so hard for her any anyone that she has a relationship with, even her children. And it's lifelong.
     
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Unfortunately, nobody can be forced to get help. That's why so many of our homeless are mentally ill. ADD is a neurological difference, not a mental health disorder, and even if it's not, they too have to consent to treatment. The stims that some say help ADHD are dangerous for many people who like meth, like my own daughter. She loved ADHD drugs...they can be snorted for a high and seem to go with meth abuse. Speed and meth. Not saying it is easy to live with ADD, just that in our country nobody can force anyone to seek help. I feel this law is goofy, but it is what it is for now.

    Schizophrenia is eerily coomon, 1 in a 100. Mood disorders seen even more common. Regardless of a person's diagnosed problem, our laws say that only the patient can consent to treatment. ADD, autism, psychosis, bipolar, even strep throat, addiction or AIDS...you have a legal right to refuse treatment. Crazy, I know. Or I think. We deal with this law if we have sick loved ones.

    There is hope, i believe. This is somebody who was clean for ten years. She knows how to get clean and stay clean. Hopefully she will do so again. She has a good chance in my opinion. She is strong.

    Prayers and hugs.
     
    Last edited: Sep 1, 2016
  11. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    My daughter will tell you that Adderall was her gateway to meth...
     
  12. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member


    Sadly, my step-son said the same thing (not meth but other drugs).
     
  13. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    That is horrible, SNM.

    My daughter's job is guiding businesses through the morass of the ACA, and the myriad of other business laws and regulations, and it is all just a mess, and getting worse all the time.

    And then they in the government wonder why the people who have paid taxes and lived by the rules are so upset.
     
  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    My daughter said Adderall and all the ADHD drugs are highly abused on the street. They kicked up her addiction too. Meth users like speed aND it's speed.
     
  15. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry HMBgal, that's a lot to deal with......I understand sad, mad and disappointed.....geez......

    Can your daughter apply for Medi-Cal? She may be eligible without a job now. She can go to Social Services and apply for that and Food stamps. Try NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, they helped me a lot......perhaps they have a chapter in your area......they provide services and great information, you might start there.

    Sending prayers for you and your family......hang in there.....
     
  16. HMBgal

    HMBgal Active Member

    Apparently she makes too much money (?). And even though she has 75% custody, her ex has takes the tax deductions, pays for the health insurance for the kids, and he pays 1/4 of the amount he is supposed to be paying. She's tried and just can't seems to get any assistance. She makes $23 an hour, but no benefits. And dental offices will sometimes offer it after 30 days and fire her on the 29th day. It's so common that there are class action suits about it. And in our area, you need to make twice that to even afford a tiny apartment . Her one bedroom is almost 2,000 a month, and she's lucky to have that. But, the real problem is that she can't keep a job and goes deeper and deeper in her depression and in a financial hole. She totaled her car a few weeks ago...second accident in three days. So now her father gave her his car, an old beater, but big and safe. So, she'll probably get another job because there's such a desperate shortage of dental assistants, but the root problem isn't getting solved, so the vicious cycle begins anew.
     
  17. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry HMBgal, I have no solutions, only a heartfelt understanding of how crummy it all is when there are grandkids involved too. My prayers are with you and your family. Perhaps NAMI can help you with one of their superb parent courses, they helped me.
     
  18. Mleathe250

    Mleathe250 New Member

    Have you checked into an educational power of attorney? If she is content to let you raise them maybe she will sign it for you. Most schools offer this.
     
  19. HMBgal

    HMBgal Active Member

    Yes, I will have to do this. She's always made meetings before and she feels bad that she spaced this one out. She always feels bad when she messes up, but things still don't change. And the father always demands separate meetings. The old school allowed it, but I don't think this one will. I know the school district I work for doesn't allow it, but I don't think he'll fight it. He puts up fuss just to make my daughter crazy, but he's not involved in the end. I think I've become sort of the resident expert because of my job as a special educator and my familiarity with the IEP process and also the fact that grandson does better with us.
     
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