Haven't been on in a while, but need to know if I'm over reacting or not..

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by mavh2005, Jul 11, 2012.

  1. mavh2005

    mavh2005 Member

    Hi!! It's been quite awhile since I've posted and I need a little advice.

    Quick update: H and I are now separated and getting a divorce. easy child lives with me with visitation to H. difficult child now has a whacked out visitation schedule between H and her BM. One month she's with H, next month she's with BM. Weekends are a rotating basis. difficult child has continued to escalate. H and BM have their heads in the sand. Since February of last year, she has: kicked our cats, left bruises on my arm trying to get me out of her room when I was putting away clothes, stolen money from both me & BM, killed a total of 5 baby birds, and is now attempting to play/start fires. She is still going to therapy, and is on Vyvanse and Zoloft.

    My question is, should I be concerned about easy child's safety? I have a strong feeling that difficult child is not supervised at all when she's with H. easy child will be 6 next month. easy child is only with difficult child for a few hours during the week difficult child is at H's. I do not allow her to spend the weekends at H's when difficult child is there. (due to sleeping arrangments, not safety.)

    difficult child has no remorse for anything she has done, and will lie right to your face. Her eyes have that empty look and it scares the **** out of me. She doesn't have many, if any friends either. She's very smart and very sneaky as well. I know I have no control over her, but I need to keep easy child safe.

    Any advice?

  2. Mavh - I don't think you are overreacting at all. I would even consider the possibility of no visits with easy child if difficult child is there. You have to be seriously concerned for easy child's safety. H can handle himself but easy child is only 6 and wouldn't be able to defend herself against difficult child.

    I'm so very sorry for the torment you are going through right now.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi, hon. Is this an adopted child? Sounds like she is doing some serious attachment disorder things such as killing animals and starting fires. If she also pees and poops inappropriately, she is a perfect McDonald Triad:


    Don't feel guilty. This happened to your child before she was in your care. And it doesn't help that she is bounced around a lot, including to BM who was likely not a very good parent. None of it is your fault, but you are not overreacting and if you have pets, you are going to have to watch her with them ALL THE TIME. Ditto your easy child. I agree that easy child shouldn't be with BM when difficult child is there.

    We adopted a boy who killed two of our dogs and our other kids were too afraid of him to tell us he'd done it. He also abused the younger two.

    Can you find a therapist, who is familiar with adoption and attachment, to take her to? We had a horrendous experience when we adopted the 11 year old boy. I also know a woman who had an eight year old foster child who also liked fire. He burned her house down (this is a true story). While the firemen were putting out the fire, he smiled and asked if they could go to McDonalds!!!

    There are, sadly, many stories about older adopted children who were so badly abused early in life (or neglected or tossed around) that they are furious little people and don't care about anyone because they have been so badly hurt themselves. Some can't be saved, as much as we hate to admit it. Take her behavior very seriously and watch her, your pets, and your easy child. Don't ever leave her unattended with the cats or your younger daughter. Maybe put an alarm on her door at night so if she leaves the room, you know it and can supervise where she goes. Tell easy child to lock her door. Maybe she can keep the cats with her at night. Night is a common time for damaged children to abuse because nobody is awake.

    Hugs!!!!! I'm so sorry. Been there/done that. (P.S.--This child was taken away by CPS after we found out about his sexual abuse of our younger child. Sadly, we don't miss him. He was with us for two years and did all he could to destroy our family).
  4. mavh2005

    mavh2005 Member

    Thanks for the reassurance!

    She is not an adopted child. But I've always thought there might be some type of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) type issues there. I am the one that was her primary mother figure from ages 2 1/2 til just last year. BM is starting to set up and be there for her, but I"m thinking its too late. BM has a lot of other issues going on with her other 2 children as well.

    I'm going to discuss this with H tonight.. hoping he'll listen and do something!
  5. mavh2005

    mavh2005 Member

    oh forgot to add mention, the peeing and pooping is fine. When she was younger she had issues going poop, but that was it. Gave her some Miralax every day for a while, and the issues went away.
  6. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Check out "insecure attachment"... there's some threads on this forum, and other info out ou the net. It isn't as extreme as Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), but may be a consideration.
  7. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Hello. Is the easy child daughter your biological child and the difficult child your step child? There seems to be a real difference in your attachment to them both.
  8. mavh2005

    mavh2005 Member

    Yes, easy child is my daughter & difficult child is my step daughter. H & difficult child no longer live with me & easy child. I have pretty much disengaged from difficult child. I love the girl as my own, but I am not her parent any more & need to protect easy child?
  9. mavh2005

    mavh2005 Member

    Wanted to give a update...

    Talked to H last night... he is in complete denial with difficult child. Doesn't beleive there is a problem with difficult child. Also stated difficult child didn't kill the birds, even though she was the only one around them when they died/mysteriously came out of the nests. His response to me was "whatever" I let him know I was very serious. For right now, I'm going to allow easy child to keep visiting H while he has difficult child. However, I did warn him, if difficult child touches or hurts easy child, visits will stop. He doesn't believe I can do that.

    The one good thing that came out of this is BM's head is out of the sand now. She has called a new psychiatrist and is awaiting an appointment. This was against H's wishes, I believe. I told her I totally back her up and will give her whatever she needs for the appointment, witness statements, letter describing what has happened. Anything she needs.

    I still love difficult child and I want her to get the proper help. I want to see her reach her goals in life. I don't want to see her fail or have these troubles that she has now.
  10. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    It's tough when the father's head is in the sand, but I'm so glad to hear the BM is getting on board and setting up an appointment with a new psychiatrist. St least you know that someone is going to do right by difficult child.

    Be VERY careful when easy child is visting H and difficult child is there. I would hate to hear that she go hurt while she was visiting there.