Helicopters Everywhere -- Rough

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by HeadlightsMom, Oct 15, 2014.

  1. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    difficult child is 40-something days clean and sober (43, 44? something like that). Things are still pretty good with him (although his bipolar still comes through and we are reminded how valuable it is to spend limited time with him (2 hrs, mostly). We're sticking to that.

    But we're weird is that as difficult child shifts his behavior, so does everyone else around him. I know he's under the microscope, but, turns out, so are husband and I. So many helicopters hovering around difficult child......AND US PARENTS.....it's driving me nuts. The ones we love (our friends and family) and the ones we don't like much at all (his bio fam and "using friends"). Helicopters everywhere and we're already sick of it.

    difficult child is 24. He is an adult. HE makes his decisions, not us. Ironically, difficult child is gradually coming to accept (at least it looks like that right now) that he's the captain of his ship, not us. He's going to 1-2 meetings daily, journaling, and loves his sponsor. Generally speaking, difficult child is not our issue right now.

    It's the helicopters. They are everywhere!

    We are trying to tell them gently, but directly to stop hovering. Some get it and stop. Others say they get it, but they keep right on helicoptering. And worst is that there is a tug-of-war going on over difficult child, his ex-girlfriend and their 4-yo son (our grandson). As long as everything is separate, things are fine. We are FINE with keeping things separate. But others in the mix are not.

    So.......we block angry people on Facebook. We screen angry calls. We take a breath and count to 10 to tell helicopters to please STOP HELICOPTERING......difficult child is an adult. And, oddly enough, so are we.

    Mixed success on that so far. Sigh..... Lots of my inner buzzers going off simultaneously and I don't like it.

    Not feeling in touch with my inner Zen today. I know it's there, I know it'll return, I know the dust will settle.

    But, today? Well, uh, let's see............ Dig deep for gratitude HLM.... What do we have in the Gratitude Bin today? There's always something......

    Um..... Grateful my head hasn't blown to smithereens? (think the movie "Scanners") LOL!

    No, seriously..... Grateful difficult child is still clean and sober. Grateful friends/family care a lot about difficult child (even if their helicopter methods don't help, their intention is good.....I think). Grateful for a stellar husband who always holds my hand on our journey. Grateful for our dog (black lab) who, I swear, knows more about pure love than all of us humans combined.

    Ok, feeling a bit better. Still not thrilled, but a bit better. But....... Watch the Evening News tonight just to make sure I didn't go all "Scanners" on y'all! LOL!

    Sigh....... This difficult child stuff really ain't for sissies, is it? Thanks for the rant/vent....
  2. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    PS -- 'Cause there often is one.... It's amazing how helpful just having an outlet in which to vent can be. I'm also thankful for this forum. I'm still unsettled inside, but not as much. I don't want to hold onto negative feelings, so gonna go do something nice for myself right now.

    In fairness, I'm probably extra churned up because I've spent much time at the hospital with a life-long friend who underwent open heart surgery today (he's still in surgery right now). I will be back at the hospital again later today with some very dear and greatly supportive friends who are like family to me over our lifetime. I am thankful for them -- we have always supported each other through everything. Deep, abiding trust.

    On this day where we pray for our friend to keep on living, I must say that it makes me all the more thankful for difficult child living better today. Life is transient and each good moment should be savored.

    Always, always so helpful to write these things out....to feel them, explore them, make sense of them.

    Thanks, again, for this forum and all of your kind listening ears.
  3. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    It would be easier if they were helpful helicopters. I try to be helpful when I come in to this situation. I always as what can I do for you? Not just for the person recovering but for the person supporting the recoverer. I remember the many times my mom was sick and everyone did anything for her. No one thought twice about the people who were killing themselves supporting her while she laid in bed and drooled on herself. We were the ones stressed out. She was out of her mind and blissfully unaware.

    Now before everyone thinks I am evil I know she wasn't blissful but her mind was playing hide and seek with reality and in general taking a break from it. She was miserable but she was able to escape into her mind. We couldn't escape or people felt we weren't taking care of her.
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  4. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    dstc_99 -- I don't think you're evil. I hear your heart running all through your post. Plus, hey, you can't be "evil" with a great Seahawks logo like that. :)

    However.... your phrasing is helpful to me. I think I'm going to take the bull by the horns in a new way. Put out a message to all that if they wish to help us, please ask us what we need help with, specifically, and honor us by respecting whatever those wishes are.

    Perfect! Thanks so much, dstc_99! My day just got easier.

    dxtc_99 --- Sorry to hear how rough it was during the time your mom's illness. Caretaking is so hard on our minds and bodies, no matter what the prognosis. I recall that same feeling when my mom was dying of lung cancer (2002).
    Last edited: Oct 15, 2014
  5. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Glad I could help! I just remember exhaustion. Lol. Mom had flowers and cards and candy she wasn't even aware of. We got crappy chairs and constant interruptions from well meaning helicopters.

    Oh yeah and Go Hawks!

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  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    HLM, why don't you put a message on your FB that you are grateful for all the support and interest, but that you are very busy and worn out emotionally and that you will post an update on your page at the end of each day? You need "down" time and they want updates. Well, that's one way to do it! :)
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  7. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry this is happening to you! I don't know why people feel free to weigh in on how adult, experienced, caring parents choose to relate to their adult child. Even when my kids were teens, there was a lot of "you let her do THAT? (smoke, walk home at night alone, leave school early)...no duh I don't LET her. Turns out you can't really control other people, and a lot of people don't have to learn that lesson on their own because the people around them control themselves. God bless them.

    You could try bursting into tears any time anyone offers helpful well meaning advice, criticism, or asks questions. It would be an entertaining process anyway.

    Hugs to you,

  8. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    MWM -- Nice idea about the FB post! The only thing I'd do differently is not do it daily (maybe weekly). I don't want to commit to a frequency I don't want. But I do love viewing FB as my own PBS/PSA when needed!

    Echo --- I know, right? Yeesh! I once cried in front of his bio fam about something. They (who are deeply troubled) lapsed into, "See, I told you! You're only crying because you know I'm right and you feel guilty!" Another time, they lapsed into a big spiel about how difficult child's problems are all our fault. To which I replied, "Well, someone had to raise him while the rest of you were in jail and rehab!" To which he then began yelling profanities. I then hung up on him. Later, husband called him (difficult child's bio uncle) to tell him to stop being abusive toward me. difficult child's bio uncle replied that he wanted to beat husband up. husband replied, "Are you still 10 years old or something?" Then husband hung up, also.

    Uh huh. These are the ridiculous bio family our difficult child comes from. Their motto is, "We take what we want and we hit you if you don't like you." So............that'w how our difficult child wound up in foster care and how we came to adopt him.

    Thing is, difficult child doesn't really have many genuine friends (count on one hand with fingers remaining), so he gravitates back toward his bio family (who also doesn't have many friends) because they think his behavior is ok (because they have same behavior). And there are dozens and dozens of them in our city. They have babies, galore, and they all lose their kids to CPS, galore.

    So, we sat difficult child down yesterday and told him, "We do not want ANY contact with your bio fam. We will not go by their houses and they will not come by ours." Period. difficult child "somewhat" understands this......somewhat. I have ZERO interest in that kind of toxic interaction. I wish them well, but from afar..........VERY afar.

    Ha! Well, thanks for that little ranty! Love is love..........and boundaries are boundaries! LOL!