Help!!!!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by kitty9259, Aug 8, 2007.

  1. kitty9259

    kitty9259 New Member

    I need everyone that cares to answer's help/opinion. When difficult child left 2 months ago, I made him leave his truck( tags about to expire n days, I was paying insur. and the truck is titled in both soon to be ex and difficult child's name. difficult child put 5k down on truck to purchase and made all payments,( or he gave me money and I payed all his bills because if it was up to him he'd be at gamestop buying games with all his $)I explained to ex about the problem, that I had truck in my posession to protect him,he understood but did say " I told you so about your kid" anyway, I brought truck to a friends about 45 mins. away, so difficult child couldn't get ahold of it or harass myself or ex, or vandelize our things in retaliation. She said she would hold it there as long as I needed it, ex canceled insurance. Now my friend wants it out, she was nice about it but I guess she thought it would only take a few weeks to resolve this. Since difficult child won't speak to me, I called easy child/difficult child Lissa to help step in, to call her brother and ask him what he wants to do, to please call me to wrap this up. She has given only a half hearted attempt to contact him, and Church Family is running interferance also. What now???? With no communication what choices do I have? I don't want to screw anyone over, but this is not MY responibility and with difficult child defaulting on student loans that I cosigned my finances are not such that I can aford his truck also. Thanks to all who answer, even though I'm new here, I feel like I have friends and support at the lowest time in my life.
     
  2. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    the truck is titled in both soon to be ex and difficult child's name.

    let soon to be ex deal with it since it is in his name.
     
  3. AllStressedOut

    AllStressedOut New Member

    I agree with ant'smom, let soon to be ex deal with it. You have enough on your plate. Get the truck back from your friend so you don't have to worry about upsetting her and bring it to ex's place. Let him deal with the headache. You deal with things that directly effect you. It's okay sometimes to only worry about yourself. We certainly don't fault you for it and we definately understand.
     
  4. Skylark Matrix

    Skylark Matrix New Member

    I agree with the others - let the ex deal with it since its in his name.
    I support you too, and being a type A myself I know how hard all of this is to deal with because "its just not right".
     
  5. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I agree about letting soon-to-be-ex handling this.

    Question---is there a loan out on the truck? (if no, ignore the following) Is STBex's name on the loan if there is? If there is a loan and it is past due, will it also adversely affect your credit? If yes, then I would protect myself here and try to make STBex sell the dang truck and payoff the loan so no one has to worry about it. :wink:

    Suz
     
  6. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    But, it is at her friend's house with no insurance.

    I would tell Dex to reinstate the insurance and move the car. Then sell it.
     
  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I have to agree with the others. Ex's name is also on the truck and loan. He stopped the insurance. Ex needs to reinstate insur and sell the truck to resolve the problem. If he is on the loan, this helps get you both out of hot water.

    ((hugs))
     
  8. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    I would say for your own piece of mind,

    You will feel bad if your handing it over to ex to handle because it was YOUR son that caused the mess ~ been there done that

    Why don't you sell the truck, don't worry about difficult child if he is acting like a difficult child and settle the loan with ex.

    Wiping the slate clean, why do we have to do that to sleep at night?


    Traci
     
  9. kitty9259

    kitty9259 New Member

    The loan is over paid, paid up until December, with Billy's money. I managed his money. Right now he is not paying any bills, just rent to Church Family so he can sleep on their sofa.There is some damage to the truck at this point, due to his carelessness and abuse of the vehicle..it could only be sold for amount due on it at best, and with his credit so messed up since he left no bank/finacial institute will give him a dime now. I'm having deep conflict on this,because he worked hard to save for this truck at a time when he was mentally in a lot better state and it was a good time for us all.I was proud of him. Won't it make me a horrible mother and his anger towards me justified if I hand the truck over to the man who did nothing but point out his flaws( to me) for 7 yrs.? Billy won't talk to me, I am unable to reach him physically or emotionally.Everyone talks about "detaching"----but how do you do that??? He was my 3lb baby, my mom died when I was 10 yrs old and I had no idea if anything I was ever doing was right.I did my best. I spent ever waking moment protecting this child, bailing this child out of tight jams, trying to reach a place of reason in him..... only to realize that I have failed. The right thing to do is give the truck to ex absolutely... but then Billy will hate me and it will always be between us.
     
  10. Ally

    Ally New Member

    I would say, sell the truck to pay off the student loans that are defaulted on.
     
  11. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Kitty, how did the truck come to be in your hands and not difficult child or ex?
     
  12. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Kitty, what you are feeling is guilt. You cannot let it rule your life.
    I understand every point you are making. You had no mom after age 10, so if your son screwed up, you can possible blame yourself, because maybe you screwed up. Stop. You did the best you could, and you were dealt a crummy hand in life to start with. So let's say your son was dealt a crummy hand. He has to learn to do the best he can. and currently he is not. The longer you enable him, the longer he could continue being irresponsible.

    Yes, you were proud of him that he was in a good phase of his life when he saved up for the car. He is not in a good place right now. Natural consequences is that he loses his car. If I was in a good place, making money, and I bought a car, and a year later lost my job, the finance company would not be coddling me because I fell on hard times. They take away the car. Natural consequences.

    That is detaching, letting things follow the natural order. Maybe next time he has to save his money for a beater car. He will have learned his lesson then, won't he.

    Let go. It is not your fault.
     
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