He's living in the basement

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by in a daze, Jan 27, 2015.

  1. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    No, not OUR basement! LOL...

    He was moved to the basement room because the manager had been complaining that his room smells. He did tell me that he's been not doing the laundry consistently again and not taking showers.

    I don't get it. He looked really good when we saw him two weeks ago, groomed appropriately and a little more engaged. When he called me Saturday he was very talkative and was asking all about our trip and what did we see and do, etc. That's a change, as it's usually all about him, as it is with a lot of difficult child'S.

    Well, then he told me about the basement move, and how a few months ago he would have been freaking out, but he's handling it better now. He goes to intensive outpatient 3 days a week ( was in the hospital in November), sees his caseworker once a week and continues to work 5 days a week 5 hours a day. And I know all this because I get the insurance statements and he gives me the wage statements and I see the Ventra (bus card) deduction every week in my e mail. This guy just thrives on the structure.

    And then he started going on about how he can't live in a halfway house forever, and when is this going to change. I told him that he could start the process, as I have before, by looking at the want ads, talking to his caseworker about it. He replied that he didn't like living up here. When is this going to change, he doesn't have any money, how can he do it, he has no money,etc. It's this circular argument that he keeps trying to engage me with. The talk about him moving stopped for a few months because I told him several times that I wasn't going to do the work , but now with this happening he's started up again. He really wants to move back to the south side. I'm not helping him do that so he can get back with his old friends and relapse again. And the social services for the mentally ill are not that great down here.

    Oh and then I was going over the finances and noticed that he spent 150.00 at Walgreens this month. He's got private insurance and medicaid picks up the copays since last summer, and there's only one medication that medicaid does not cover and it's about 50.00 a month, so the medication cost is just a fraction of that. I noticed that he's been spending anywhere from 30.00 to 90.00 a month. Now the card is my husband's so I don't review the statements but when i compared them to the insurance pharmacy records I noticed the discrepancies.

    I'm calling his caseworker tomorrow. He spends his money on a lot of supplements which I don't think are very good for him. And he has subscriptions to Netflix and something else. And of course, there's the cigarettes. And I think he buys a lot of frozen crap to eat because he's too lazy to cook, which they do sell at Walgreens, which is just around the corner from his place. And he works at a freaking grocery store, for God's sake!!!
  2. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Yeah, and given all this stuff, he's really not ready to move somewhere by himself, I don't think. Supervised/subsidized housing has been applied for but there is a two to three year wait.

    What to do. What to do. The halfway house with social services following is the best we can get.
  3. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Oh, and I should explain about the credit card and the Walgreen's charges. Walgreens has a payment method called Express Pay where you put your credit card on file and your script is automatically charged even before you pick up your medications. I signed him up over a year ago for the copays. But I think you can bring other stuff up to the pharmacy counter only when you are picking up your medications, and I think that is what he is doing, because you can't use express pay unless you are picking up medications, but I think you can buy other stuff with it at the same time as buying your medications. Unless it's fraud? I guess it's possible but the charges are on the same dates as when the medications were picked up.
  4. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I understand.
    And yes, I used to use Express Pay. It's just a credit card that they keep on file so you don't have to run it through the machine and sign for it.
    Wouldn't surprised me if he's buying frozen food at Walgreen's, when he works at a grocery store. That's something a difficult child would do.
  5. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Yeah. Is anything they do logical? Lol....
  6. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Sure it's logical he doesn't have to do anything so in his mind that is free frozen food. LOL No swiping of his card or paying cash. LOL

    I wish I could offer more assistance. Good luck!
  7. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Our difficult child has lived in two different basements and one attic!

    Of course the basements were ours and then his mom's but the attic was at a place where several of his difficult child friends lived. You might think he would get the hint when even other difficult children don't want to smell him!
  8. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well, by his own admission, he is able to handle the basement now. Have you mentioned to him that devolving to the basement is not a good sign for moving in to more independent living, that there are clearly hygiene rules and that laundry and showering are part of the plan to be able to graduate from where he is? His actions are what is holding him there, is he aware of that? Is he able to process that and take any responsibility for it?

    Have you spoken to his case worker about the supplements and the frozen food?

    It sounds to me as if this is a pretty long process which is just going to take time which may in fact be good for him. You on the other hand are dragged around by his constant wishes to move. My suggestion is that each and every time he rolls this all out for you to listen to, you devise a strategy to do something for YOU........a balance for his new drama. Since there isn't going to be anything you can actually do, while this appears to stay in the process its already in........then when he brings it up, listen, say nothing, master the art of not engaging........and then, going along with your plan, take yourself directly to the SPA, or dinner with friends, or a day drive to the city, or a manicure, or a walk in the woods..............whatever makes you feel good. Whatever will allow you to let go and have fun and enjoy yourself. Like a formula. He contacts you for his new list of requests you can't meet........you go directly for a massage. Balance.
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  9. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Oh that difficult child logic!

    Part of this is is a combination of laziness and part is being overwhelmed with the demands of LIFE.
    'RE, I spoke to his caseworker today and we discussed t he basement move and the Walgreen charges. She is going to see him Friday. She is going to call his therapist at the intensive outpatient. She now knows about the supplements. The P doctor and his outpatient therapist are also aware.

    She says he is timely and never misses an appointment. She says he is working hard on his recovery but feels overwhelmed by the demands of his schedule. I think this is part of his learning disability, this difficulty he has in handling a busy schedule and feeling overwhelmed by it all, even though he's doing it.

    So I'm going to call him tomorrow and bring the issues up in a non confrontational way, and then I'm going to the gym, and then I'm going home and I'm going to take your advice on how to treat yourself post stressful difficult child conversation. I'm going to order some food and pour myself a glass of wine. Husband will be out bowling so I won't have to cook...yay!
  10. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    YAY for you!
  11. HeadlightsMom

    HeadlightsMom Well-Known Member

    In a Daze -- Was picturing your difficult child's scenario, then reading your mini-bio underneath your post. Noticed that your son graduated from college in 2012. Was he able to "keep it together" for most of his college years? If I understand correctly, he seems compliant with medications, appts and case manager. That's fantastic!

    Wondering........ Has he changed dramatically since 2012? Was he ever diagnosed bipolar (didn't see that in your list)? Does he seem that different to you? And way to go talking to his case manager!

    Rooting for both you and your son!
  12. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    It sounds like you are doing all you can.

    This can be so exhausting when they continually try to engage you in a conversation that you don't want to have. My difficult child was really good at doing this with me. I learned to give very short answers like "I'm really sorry you are having such a tough time right now" I also learned to not give any advice. If I were to say something like "you really need to apply yourself" he would go off on me with the "ya, and how am I supposed to do that???" and on and on and on...............

    This made me chuckle!! I'm glad you have your sense of humor.

    ((HUGS)) to you.
  13. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Thanks, Tanya. Yes, exhausting. I know you can relate.

    HM...He came down with depression sophomore year HS. He got through with much hand holding and a tutor. He snapped out of it spring of his senior year....all of a sudden the friends were calling, he was traveling
    to Peoria because his HS went to state etc. Despite his academic difficulties he was quite intellectual and a gifted writer, so we decided to send him to a private junior college. He managed to finish in 5 semesters and he transferred to a four year.

    The depression was on and off and accelerated when he fell into a crowd at home who was heavily into drinking. He has a breakdown his last semester away which was fueled by alcohol and adderal abuse and he had to come home. He managed to finish the last four classes at a local state university and tutor support for the last two as they were college algebra and stats .

    I would have the following conversation with him once a semester:
    "I'm going to drop xyz class"
    "No, give it a chance, study harder, meet with prof, etc."
    No, I'm going to drop it."

    So this, HM, is how he got through college and managed to get his degree but it took him 7 years.

    We took him to a university p doctor who told him he was bipolar and started him on mood stabilizers. 2 psychiatrists and 4 hospitalization later was given neuropsychiatric exam and the diagnosis was changed back to major depression.

    Yes, loves to go to therapy and takes his medications for the most part. This was not the case when he was younger.
  14. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    He tested me tonite. His link card is out of money. (I had plugged in the numbers and they will only give him 15.00 a month because of wages and SSI income.) He can't use the Express Pay Walgreen s credit any more. Could I take him shopping tomorrow?

    And then he made a joke about how he heard fasting is good for you.

    I was very upset by all this. I feel he's played me for a fool. I told him no more money last spring, and he stopped asking. Because, he discovered an underhanded, sneaky way to fund his lifestyle. I've been crying half the evening. I haven't responded to his texts. I'm going to send him one tomorrow saying that I can't take him shopping. I really can't, I have stuff going on tomorrow.

    Husband takes this all in stride. He is willing to meet him halfway with a bag of cheap, healthy food that difficult child hates to eat. He says no financial support without full financial disclosure. I agree.
  15. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    I had spoken to the caseworker on Wednesday about the Express Pay, the Link card, the need for him to manage his money, and she supposedly met with him today....it seems it hasn't really made any impact on his mindset. I called him yesterday and told him he was not to use the Express Pay for anything but medications.So now he is trying to manipulate me by making me think he is starving to death. I thought I had all the bases covered when I spoke to caseworker and talked to him. Silly me.
  16. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Loopholes IAD, they are all secret attorney's who understand the value of the loophole.
    I'm sorry you were upset by this, it's tough to see their underhanded ways.
    Plus you've been working so hard to get it all squared away with the case worker, Express Pay, the Link card, and now this.
    Well, remember, balance..........in my way of thinking that means you do quite a number of kind nurturing things for yourself, really, take off with your husband on a day trip, or have lunch out, do what you must and then take off, make time for yourself.........
    Sending you lot of big hugs and warm wishes for your heart to heal and your joy to return.........
  17. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    This is a classic move but you see it for what it is, a manipulation. Stay strong and stand firm.
    I remember one time with my son, he sent me a private message on FB that he was going to not only starve to death but freeze to death as well. The next day he was bragging on his FB page about partying at some bar. Seriously, if you can afford to party at a bar you can afford to buy a meal.

    RE is right on with this. Make sure to take time for yourself.

    Hang in there, you're doing great!!!

  18. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    One t hing even a homeless person can always access (and they know it on the streets) is food. Salvation Army serves meals. Many churches do. There are go-to places that they all know about. Starving is not a problem. At the very worst, I knew a homeless man from the shelter I volunteered at who would wait for the high end grocery store to toss out their one day old food and he ate that. Ok, it's not the way WE want to be served food, but it's food, much of it still in wrapping. The man was skinnier than a dying man, but that was because he was a serious drug addict, not because he couldn't access food when he wanted it.by the way, he also got two good meals at our shelter. Home cooked.

    Our Difficult Child usually ask for food money to buy drugs, not to buy food. But they also know that saying they are hungry hurts our hearts so they use it.
  19. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    This is how he operates, sometimes, RE. He tries to fly under the radar. I suspect he is spending a lot of money on these supplements which are legal but questionable. I think he may have credit card debt. This, of course, is not the way he was raised; we tried to teach them how to manage money by words and example.

    Here's the text he sent me a couple of hours ago:

    Missing Lyrica script, no more food =horrible anxiety. This is the last I'll test you about this. I have money in my account, but I will not let it get below 100.00. Rather go without food.

    The Lyrica is a schedule 5 controlled substance and cannot be called into pharmacy, needs paper script.
    I told him 2 days ago to call about this and maybe have it mailed. Apparently he has not done that. He lost it in the move to the basement.

    I tried to call him earlier but he texted back that he was at work. I'm sure I'll be hearing from him.

    Thanks, Tanya and MM. I am doing nothing but sitting on the couch and reading. I am crying on and off. husband is worried about me. I am drinking a lot of chamomile tea to try and calm myself down.

    If he calls, I think i'll let husband take it. I am not strong enough to resist his manipulation right now.
  20. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    I was really distraught today. I sucked it up and went to choir practice and mass. There was a parish party afterwards. I thought we would just stay for a drink but we ended up staying till almost 10. It was a really nice diversion.

    He hasn't texted back. True to his word. :rolleyes: