his difficult child's

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Jena, Oct 30, 2008.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member

    I never speak of my boyfriend's difficult child's at all. Their part of my life, yet on a limited basis only two nights a week. Yet as of late I have been thinking about them alot, watching their behaviors thinking about the time we have spent together, etc. I also have no rights regarding them or being able to help them.

    I have spoken to him regarding the kids on more than one occassion and I have actually asked him to get them in therapy. He has mentioned it to his ex a few times and to no avail they are still not in it. :( We can't take them because we have activities all day the two days we have them. so we have no open day to do so, or rather no other day we have them.

    I have grown to care very much for them. His youngest has turner's syndrome so she is undoubtebly the smallest of the pack. Yet fact she is smaller dad has allowed her to get away with-far too much, and mom and partner at home. This equals a nasty, aggressive little girl. So, several mos back we spoke and I told him no more. You are functioning off guilt with her she needs to function and be ok with who she is by letting her get away with stuff you are not doing that. Lets throw in for all these kids their mom flipped the script and announced she was gay. Great for her, yet they totally lost the life they knew and to boot mom moved her partner in as soon as dad was tossed to the curb.

    Than we have his son. He is hands down my favorite. He has adhd/add non medicated right now. He is sweet, has a heart of gold, can literally melt me at times with his smile. Summer mos. he is great, yet school I have to give him melatonin for sleep at night because he sings himself to sleep and kicks the walls for hours lol. I also have to work with him during hw time because he is so incredibly jumpy and easily distracted, pencil throwing on ocassion etc. boyfriend mostly deals with him now , bc difficult child and I are out at her dance/theatre thing. Yet as of late he is having issues, is not happy at home and has asked us to pls let him live with us when we get a house because I do not think he is comfortable wtih his mom and partner openly displaying their affections for one another they are very open kissing, etc. I strongly believe hugging is fine, mental banter yet any real affection shouldn't be done infront of kids whether your heterosexual or not. His son is not a behavior issue at school ifhandled the right way.

    His oldest daughter - wow. She is smart and funny at times outgoing manipulative untrustworthy aggressive demanding and wonderful. if that makes sense. She takes the hit the hardest. She has stolen from us as I had mentioned in another thread periodically things, no confirmed monies yet. She has blown up on several occassions this usually occurs with her dad in the truck when he picks her up from after school activities yells and screams at him about her new life with her mom/partner the way they run things there none of the kids like, etc. She is struggling with so much her own identity, her own hormones, new rules at home due to partner running show over there now, etc.

    So, I am so disgusted at his ex. She is self centered only concerned for her relationship, they make continuous lists at home try different behavioral approaches constantly the kids heads are spinning, it's just insane.

    So I said to him last night that's it, your their father and they need to be in therapy. They need a safe place in which to vent their frustrations, aggrivation, feelings etc. in whatever way they want and than be helped through it with a trained professional. Why should they pay the price for her coming out that's just bs at the end of the day. Their all beautiful kids in their own way and deserve the right to heal from this. It's been a while now and they still aren't, which I strongly believe is because they were never put in any type of therapy. They may never truly accept her, yet given the right time and the right approach i believe they'll be just fine.

    The kids come here and their allowed to be who they are. They can express themselves, we'll listen, they can watch a tv show with all of us after dinner and before reading. at their own house they aren't allowed tv at all or any games during the week.

    This was long, sorry I never talk about them. I was sitting here tonight thinking about them and wanted to ramble on. I'm just keeping my fingers crossed she truly gets them into therapy now.
     
  2. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Jennifer,

    A blended family brings so many issues into play.

    First, I have never understood woman who feel that they have to bring a new partner into the house right away. Well, perhaps I should say mother instead of woman. I believe, as a mother and a woman, that I have a responsibility to place my children first at many times. I am the one who made the choice for them to be here - they didn't have a say. Going through a disolving marriage/family is tough on kids of any age. They need a lot of encouragement, attention, love, and understanding. Bringing another adult into the picture so quickly only confuses the issue.

    It's also tough in a blended family because, for the most part, you are not an authority figure to these kids. You are not married to their father - you are his girlfriend - not stepmom. You deserve respect as an adult, but discipline issues can often reek havoc on the situation.

    Given that the kids have different rules at the two homes makes it harder for them to adjust at any one place. There is obviously no discussion between their parents on making sure the rules are consistant. That's a really big issue for stability in their lives. If mom is much sticter during the week, and you guys are layed back with few guidelines, is it any wonder they would rather be at your house?

    Instead of you giving him ultimatums regarding the kids getting in therapy, I would suggest a more supportive stance. Perhaps urge him to set a time when the four adults in these children's lives can get together, in a neutral place, and discuss the kids. The bios need to run the show, and you and mom's partner be there as backup who love the kids too.

    You can't force boyfriend to get his kids in therapy if the mom doesn't agree. If they have joint legal custody, they both have to agree to therapy. All you can do is help him to make his ex understand that this is best for the kids.

    You are in a tough place.

    Sharon
     
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I also think bringing an instant partner into a broken home is a bad idea. I met my hub three years later, and didn't introduce the kids to him for a year (and he didn't live with us) and it was still hard for them to see Mom with somebody other than Dad, and I felt the kids came first. But to bring a woman into the home, in my opinion is even worse. I am very pro-gay rights, even marriage, so that is NOT it. I just know that kids are very conservative and don't adapt well to unusual family situations if they were not raised with them. You'd think ex could let her lover live somewhere else and not be demonstrative in front of the kids. Obviously, she isn't going to be much help though. My take on some of this: I have no idea of what Turners Syndrome is so I can't comment. The child with ADHD--are you sure he's just ADHD? Does he often talk to himself like he sings to himself? Has he ever had a full evaluation? I'm wonder if he could have high functioning autism instead of ADHD. THe older one, well, I'm sure part is environmental.
    I hope your boyfriend can talk his ex-SO into getting intensive therapy for all three kids. That is quite a lifestyle change for them, and SO doesn't seem to be interested into a gentle introduction. She sounds like she's all about herself...sadly. One last question. Is your boyfriend sure the 13 year old isn't taking drugs? I know it seems young, and I would have pooh-poohed the question myself at one time. But my daughter started at 12. She was also just adjusting to my hub, her new stepdad and that is a vulnerable time for all kids. And 12 isn't the 12 WE knew--there are drugs at every middle school and kids who take them. That is certainly one reason why she may be moody. Not saying she is doing it, just saying it's worth looking into.
     
  4. Jena

    Jena New Member

    Sharon

    Good morning I totally agree with you on all levels. I have tried, been patient supported him through it all in regards to the children. Yet watching them hurt hurts me. I truly care for these children. I only wish that we could sit down the four of us to discuss the children yet his ex wife is so incredibly difficult on so very many levels it hinders us from doing so. Her only concern believe it or not since day one is controlling her ex husband (her issue which i'm sure requires therapy). That was the foundation of their relationship. Her care seems to only lie with controlling him, not making wise and good choices or even trying for the kids benefit. She does not like me at all, never has. Yet I have come to learn I could be any woman and she wouldnt' like me at all. I tried my best initially to facilitate a calm relationship with her. Yet I think her own personal issue stepped in the way of that becoming a reality. She calls all day long on his day off to see what he's doing, etc. He is getting better now at handling the calls. She uses kid issues as an excuse than delves into the personal realm. Which I must admit he has down very well in shutting her down when she does that.

    A situation like this is not a normal one at all. She didn't leave him because she didn't love him, she just realized who she truly was. I respect that, I do. Yet the focus should be the kids, not being slayed by the fact he fell in love again and wants and totally deserves to begin anew.

    When I first entered into this relationship it was with the understanding that someday the kids may want to live with us. I accepted that fact whole heartedly. I still do. Yet their trying to make it work over there, yet their approach is scattered, rules are constantly changing, there's no consistency. Teacher's and school counselor's have told both woman that and urged them for the kids sake to get them into therapy. boyfriend goes to school meetings and sits with both the ex and her partner with whom overtake him at meetings and he feels lost in it all. I do not blame him. His ex wife was given a number for a therapist for his son with whom has add/adhd because he could totally benefit from counseling she responded with well it's very far away. LOL

    I do my best, I do not repremand I leave that to him. I only back him up, and in all honesty his children have accepted me so very well and often express their love to me not only verbally yet also are very affectionate. They have grown on me, and me them. When you cook for them, assist with homework, scrub ink off them for drawing on themselves lol, the connection just happens. We certainly have it.

    We tried initially to keep rules the same in both homes. Yet after speaking to a therapist we learned that we are allowed to have our own rules, and the children are bright enough to understand the difference. They do not supply enough stimulus on their end for these children, hence their behavior at home is nothing like it is here. Sure, we have had issues with his oldest from time to time yet bottom line is 80% of the time the respect is shown, we try to teach her the right way to verbally express herself and she is learning. Their rules are too scattered to follow we tried and we were so confused.

    They have color coded systems one week, the next week it's a smiling face chart, the next week it's monetary rewards to make them do what their supposed to do. ugh.

    In closing I agree I cannot facilitate their going into therapy. I can only talk to boyfriend, support him the best I can, and hope that he can make some headway with her. We both know she is an incredibly selfish person. I think he realized more of that once he got away from her and saw what I was like. Let's face it they were together since 19 he knew nothing else.

    WE have a strict routine here, they follow it well now the like routine and rules that do not change. We keep it simple. hw, then snack then we split up for actiivites with all of them, then return for dinner, then after dinner their allowed to play free fora bit, then it's pajamas, snack and reading time and bed.

    Their mother made a huge mistake, I know we all do as parents. Yet her moving her partner into that home immediately caused such havoc on these poor kids. When we did it we dated, then the kids got introduced in an outside setting purposely (neutrel ground; we actually checked with a therapist), then the connection between the 5 kids his and mine was instant. Our first outting was supposed to be 3 hours in a play park rides etc. it wound up being 6 and before we knew it we were sitting in a rest. with all 5 of them having dinner and watching them laugh and joke. Him and I just looked at eachother and said ok sometimes things are just meant to be. We were so very lucky.


    i've run on again, I apologize. :)
     
  5. Jena

    Jena New Member

    Midwest Mom

    Hi, I agree with all your points as well. I also am very much a believer of being "who you are", gay rights, etc. Yet you are correct in stating that children adapting to that type of situation is alot to ask. It isn't just your typical situation. Can you imagine one week you have Dad in the house hugging mom. The next week Mom's kissing her best friend? Wow. Their amazing kids they truly are, each of them. They have handled so very much.

    So, you went through the same thing? That is good how you handled it and best for your kids. I'm sorry to hear that your daughter had a rough time initially. It is a very hard adjustment.

    No, his daughter isn't taking anything I know that in my heart. She's just quietly hurting and trying to adjut to it all. Her and I are close at times, and she talks to me when she needs to vent also. She just needs rules, rules that don't change every week depending upon which way the wind is blowing, she needs nurturing, understanding, love, patience.

    Here's hoping she takes them. Neither of us think that she will. She's already complained it's too far for her to drive. I told him than i'll take them. So, we shall see what happens. Who knows maybe someday we'll wind up with all of them. This has been a conversation of ours since beginning. Their mom loves them i know she does. Yet she can't see past her own nose how her kids truly need a safe place to vent.

    thanks for your support :)
     
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