Housing etc.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Nomad, Oct 7, 2015.

  1. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Anyone help get a place for their difficult child????

    Background: My adopted difficult child is in her late twenties. She is diagnosis'd with bipolar illness. She also had brain surgery for an aneurysm. She is a little peculiar and gullible.

    She has been very difficult since the beginning. We have gone above and beyond. She was in Therapy regularly as a young child through high school. On medications since perhaps age five.

    She moved out when she was 19. She is on disability. She can't hold down a job for many reasons. She has horrible memory issues. But her mental illness also causes mood swings....although the medications help somewhat. Her hygiene is sometimes just so so. Many issues.

    She has baggage associated with being adopted, although her psychologist told us she felt it was less than many others. Her self esteem is in the toilet. She is gullible and desperate for friendship. Bad people use her.

    She use to be very argumentative and nasty with us, but now less so. If she is depressed or in a bind, she still can be nasty. And following the rules is till a struggle.

    She was moving constantly...like every two months for years. At first it was mostly evictions, but later it was WEIRD mostly because she wanted to move, sometimes she was arguing with everyone, sometimes she was bored, sometimes the only areas she could afford were seriously dangerous with drug dealers all around her...super duper scary and dangerous.

    Now she is renting a room in a house where the owner is a difficult child himself. And it is being foreclosed. I'm very impressed that she has been there about ten months.

    So, I found a good deal on a condo and we are making an offer. She could use it and pay us rent. I honestly don't know if we will get it.

    So, my friends say..probably a good idea, but make sure you establish rules if you get the condo. Hmmm. What chance do I have that she will follow them? Why am I not more happy? I think you all know the reason why. Anyone else in a similar situation? How has it worked out? Do you think it was the best overall decision? Geeez....why do I have a bit in my stomach?
     
  2. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Hi Nomad,

    My husband and I purchased a small house for our son to live in after he got out of prison. Our "hope" was that he would get a job, save money and ease into paying us some rent. We were prepared to give him the house if he could start showing he was responsible. Our hope was dashed within a couple of months.

    I respect your decision to try and help your daughter this way however I advise extreme caution.
    Since your daughter is on disability is she in charge of her own money or do have guardianship over it?
    My concern is you being paid.
    I would suggest seeing if your daughter is eligible for section 8 housing and if so see if you can register the condo for section 8.
    This way the state will pay a portion of the rent.
     
  3. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    We are designated payee. She has agreed that close to 100% of her check would go to rent. The same as what she is paying now for a simple room in a big house. She doesn't know that an offer has been made. Not exceptionally likely to complain a lot about the money part. She is less argumentative than before. She wears clothes that are discards. And of course family gives her clothes for her birthday and Xmas. There are some pluses. But, her decision making skills are horrid. For example, she might be talked into allowing someone to "room" with her. Could be a stranger. This kinda thing makes me feel faint. I agree extreme caution...each situation a little different. I'm so tense, I might need medication or so,ething. Unreal.
     
  4. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    If she pays almost 100% of her disability check for rent, how does she pay for her other needs? Does she get other assistance--food stamps, cash assistance, etc.?

    What if she decides that she doesn't like the condo? Would you be comfortable renting it out to someone else and becoming a landlord, or could you easily sell it?

    Would you be OK if she did pick a roommate? How would you handle it if you knew some unsavory character was staying there?

    Have you looked into public housing for her?
     
  5. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    That's good that you control the funds. I would still check into the section 8.

    You can also have her sign a lease and have it state that only she is allowed to live there. That way if she does have someone else there it will be easier to get them out. A lease agreement protects both the renter and the landlord.
     
  6. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    I have hesitated with section 8 housing because she tends to mimic others in order for people to like her. We live in a rough city. Surely some folks in public housing are fine, but unscrupulous folks tend to find her.

    She actually is not the type that would be inclined to do something illegal. But, she uses bad judgement and this worsens when around others who do so.

    I would prefer she doesn't have a roommate because in the past this always blows up. She is quirky, a bit lazy, moody etc.
    For example, she has a cat and may or may not change the kitty litter for who knows when and it might smell terribly and she will deny that it smells. Other times, she might clean it more normally. I'm not talking anything even remotely like a small or moderate smell, I'm talking about something that could kill a horse.

    Yes, difficult child lives mostly like a pauper. It breaks my heart. She is on food stamps. She gets items from goodwill...nothing wrong with that. She gets clothes for the holidays. She gets left over food from our meals. She does work very temporary jobs. I actually hope there is tiny bit left over, but I know it won't be much.

    Housing is crazy expensive here. We need to pay for insurance, homeowners fees, electric etc. and repairs. I need to recalculate, but there won't be much left. I have no objection to her taking what is left. This wouldn't be for any profit at all for us. We just want a roof over her head in a safe place. Drug dealers on every corner was too much.

    Tanya...I agree, I need to get her to sign a lease.

    It would be easy to rent...it's an excellent location. I wouldn't love the idea, but wouldn't mind it either. I just want her to be safe. The problem is she can very well be her worst enemy. I'm hoping I can talk difficult child into a monthly social worker...might have to be on my dime.
     
  7. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    It sounds like a good idea, Nomad.

    She would be able to live in a decent location where you would know she is safe, and if she decided not to stay, you are willing to rent it out.

    Win-win for everyone.

    I'd go for it.
     
  8. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Nomad, all you can do is try. And protecting yourself from possible negative outcomes is a good idea, like the lease.

    I haven't done this with Difficult Child, but I have thought about it in the past, when I was in mortal pain when he was homeless.

    In my case, it would have been a really really bad idea at the time so I'm glad it didn't happen. I can't imagine the drama that would have occurred.

    Please let us know how it goes. This could be a great learning experience for all of us, and I hope and pray it works out for you and for her.
     
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