How To Get Through To Him?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by susiestar, Jun 14, 2011.

  1. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am having a real problem with husband. He insists on carrying a ton of cards in his wallet - some are necessary and some are not. But he won't spend more than $5 on a wallet and has returned many in the past because tehy were "too expensive". He drops the money cards constantly. If he changes pants the wallet gets dropped. When he takes his pants off he drapes them over something and the wallet falls out. One of the cards, the one that usually has $$ on it, is close to the color of our carpet and blends really well. husband won't EVER pick up anything or ask the kids to, so the place is messy. So he "cannot" find the card.

    He now is trying to say it falls out because Jess is taking it. What would she do with it? We are way to far from anywhere seh could use it for anything. NOTHING has been purchased that she doesn't have a truthful explanation for how she got the money. Most is from my parents and is because they give the kids a certain amt of cash each month. Never got a good explanation of why, but my dad insists on it. Not a lot, maybe $5 a week per kid. husband thinks Jess has more because she buys a lot. But that kid can squeeze a buck until it cries for mercy. She buys almost nothing new unless she has a coupon and it is on sale. Lots of the things she gets are ordered online - BY ME. She NEVER buys things online because she has no paypal account and no debit card. She is NOT using the card he drops. there have NEVER been charges on it that husband or I did not make. NEVER. NOT EVEN ONE.

    But he STILL insists that the only reason the card doesn't stay in his wallet is because she takes it. I do NOT understand. I have seen it, with my own eyes, fall out when he didn't notice it.

    It doesn't help that when he looks he glances around but looks under NOTHING and will move stuff around in a haphazard way and often covers it up because he is just stirring his mail and stuff around (the mail that he refuses to throw away or read - koi from various community colleges, car dealers, etc..... NOT mail we need/pay attention to.

    thank you never finds it because he doesn't actually see things when he is looking for something. If it isn't in the first place he looks, an item can bite him six or seven times before he wills see it. husband also does this.

    But Jessie looks in a careful, organized way. Usually cleaning as she goes so she can tell where she has looked and knows it isn't there. So it is no wonder that she keeps finding it for him.

    HOW do I get through his idiot head that she is NOT stealing his debit card? That HE is dropping it everywhere and is just lousy at looking for things? It isn't like this is the only thing he cannot find. He cannot find almost anything that he misplaces. Mostly because he just gets upset and won't look in any organized way.

    How do I keep him from consistently blaming Jess for HIS mistakes? She is getting very angry with him and I cannot blame her. She is also losing a LOT of respect for him and I cannot blame her for that either. I have lost respect for him over this also.

    Thanks for any ideas and/or suggestion. I have FULLY investigated where Jess gets/finds money and it ALWAYS comes back to where she said she got it from. EVERY time. My parents always know the EXACT amount, to the penny, that they have given her. She did just find a lot of money in her room in an old wallet, but two years ago she lost it with her birthday money in it. I wrote an email note to myself with a description of the wallet and how much she had in it. What she found corresponded EXACTLY with that note. And she did NOT know I had written the note. I have not found a single incident, not ONE, where she had money that was not from a source that corroborated her explanation of where she got it.

    She just isn't stealing. No matter WHAT husband says or does, he cannot even find a hint of evidence to say she is. But he won't believe that she isn't doing it.
     
  2. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Susie--

    Does your husband have a diagnosis of some kind? I'm thinking this sounds a little ADD to me...
     
  3. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    Hmm, tough one. Maybe next few times it happens, help look for it. If you come across it first, take a photo if he's not around of where it is. WHen he gets in afterward, tell him you found where HE dropped his card but ask him to back track his earlier movements and try again to find where he could have DROPPED it. If he IS home and you find it first, call him over and sweet as pie "You're hilarious! You keep dropping them, maybe we should attach it to a GPS for you", a little laugh and a teasing tone. THen if down the line he goes to blame Jess, just cut the conversation off and tell him Give it up, its you dropping these things. Blaming someone else is just avoiding being embarassed you are getting unorganized.
     
  4. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    My friend, Jay, says the uterus contains a homing device that can find things men can't see, even when they've looked in the same place 12 times. His wife would stick her belly out like her uterus was being magnetically pulled to
    Whatever he claims he can't find...
     
  5. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    Shari, that is hilarious!
    Love, Esther
     
  6. keista

    keista New Member

    Sounding a bit like my husband. He could not stand to admit that he "screwed up" so would always blame stuff on someone else. Sometimes, when it was insignificant stuff like passing gas or burping, he'd blame it on the cat, in jest, of course. If it was a "silent but deadly" and I made a comment, he'd blame the cat and get furiously adamant that it was NOT him. Took 8 years of marriage before the words "I'm sorry" EVER passed his lips for even the smallest infraction - at least he WAS capable of learning and change.

    Anyway, I don't think that you can convince him. You can only show him. Be around when he's taking his pants off and just wait for that wallet to fall, and point it out to him. Or, iIf he really thinks Jess is taking the card out, then he has to be responsible enough to hide his wallet and cards from Jess - problem solved.
     
  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    How about a wallet with a chain that snaps to his belt loop? I think, not sure as I've not seen them in a while, they used to have ones with zippers in them too. You know.......I've seen bikers wear them. My bros use them, both because they're bikers and because they're truck drivers and can't afford to lose a wallet or it's contents.

    Teens were into them big for a while. I dunno how popular they are now, but I do know they're pretty handy.
     
  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    They also now have a metal wallet that is harder to fall open but that really isnt the key issue is it.

    If Jess was stealing the card it would be very easy to show on any bank statement. It is right there to see where any transaction is made...heck just pull up your account online and watch daily transactions. You cant do anything else with a debit card than either use it to buy something or get cash and if there isnt evidence of that, why would she take it? To cut coke? I doubt it...lol. He wants to bluster and place blame elsewhere. I would suggest that if he cant keep up with the card that he not carry it. Maybe he should only keep a certain amount of petty cash on hand and leave his main wallet at home. He could always leave his drivers license in the car.
     
  9. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    I'm amazed you still help him look for it.
     
  10. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Sometimes jay's wife acts like she can barely keep up with her uterine homing device...she flails her arms and yells 'woooooaaaaaahhhh'.
    Aside from that, I like the 'better hide it better' solution.
     
  11. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Don't let Jess help look for it any more.

    Honestly, husband is perfectly horrible at keeping track of things. So I implemented baskets everywhere - on the bookcase, on his dresser, in his night stand. It helped SOME. But not enough. And I understand the mail thing... UGH!

    So whenever something of his vanished, I'd look. I never accused Onyxx. 95% of the time, it was under a pile of koi.

    Whenever something of MINE vanished, I'd look for a bit wherever I might have left it. Sometimes I would give up. But... 95% of the time in this case, Onyxx had it. I might not find it for months, but inevitably it would be in her stuff. Some stuff vanished permanently. But I know where it went. (Body jewelry is my biggest issue there.)

    The only thing was - he would leave his cigarettes and lighters here or there. Then he wondered where they went. Onyxx told him she "didn't like his brand". BS. Marlboro. Funny thing, I never lost my smokes and lighters - because they went with me. When he started taking his with him, they quit vanishing.

    But I digress, and badly. I would point it out to him, too, when you see it happen, and if he insists that Jess help look? Send her somewhere you KNOW it's not.

    Like the sofa?
     
  12. muttmeister

    muttmeister Well-Known Member

    I agree, don't let Jess help look for it anymore.

    Also, I think I'd just let him stew when he loses it; even if you know where it is, let him keep looking. If he doesn't find it, just point out that it hasn't been used so he'd better keep looking. I'm sure my patience would be running out by now. If he won't listen to reason, maybe it is time to stop talking to him. Let him stew in his own juice. If he lost it, he can find it. If he can't keep track of it, he shouldn't have it in the first place.

    Of course, I am divorced - you see I have no patience with men's stupidity. Good luck!
     
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