How to handle when you throw them out

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by diana71, Jan 10, 2014.

  1. diana71

    diana71 Member

    My full story is on another thread but I had a question. I had to throw my son out on Tuesday. He has broken into our home and stolen from us already. His phone is still on. My question is this....do I shut it off? I want him to be able to contact me if he does decide to go to rehab or if something bad happened. He has no license or ID if something happened to him (he lost it and can't replace it because he has warrants). But I also want to make it harder for him to get rides from friends and contact dealers etc. What is your advise on this?
     
  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Diana ultimately you have to do what you feel is right but I was not comfortable turned difficult child's phone off. Oh I did it to get her attention sometimes when she wouldn't respond to me, but when we finally did make her leave our home we could not turn her phone off. I was sick with worry as it was and I wanted her to have that lifeline. Eventually she did use it and she did call us for help. Paying for her phone service was the least of my worries at that time. Turning his phone off and making it harder for him to find rides will not make him seek help sooner, it will just make him angrier.

    One of our members here, TL, always made sure her difficult child had a working phone even when he was backpacking across the country and living on the streets. She felt better knowing he could contact her if needed.
     
  3. diana71

    diana71 Member

    That is how I feel. I think I will keep it on. My husband wants me to turn it off but it is not his child. I am already worried enough.
     
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  4. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Hi Diana, I have been thinking about you and have not had a chance to respond to the other thread. I think having them homeless and not knowing where they are etc. is one of the worst things a parent can go through. I was where you are now last winter and it was excrutiating. For me showing him I still loved him, even though I would not let him come home was important and still is....so every now I would text him etc. to that end keeping Communication lines open was important to me. So yes we paid for his phone, got him new phones, sent him a phone when he lost his etc. in the worst of times It let me check cell records to reassure myself he was still alive. The hardest time was a period when he didn't have a phone. You cant control who he calls or what contacts he makes with or without a phone....ultimately you have to do what helps you sleep at night....and for me him having a phone helped me do that. I am sure he used it for unsavory things but he also called us when he needed something or got low enough to get help.

    Currently he does not have a phone and we won't give him one but that is because he is in a treatment place that does not allow phones and I will not help him break the rules or give him a way to call friends if he decides to walk.....but I can take a strong stand on that because he is safe right now and in a good treatment place,

    TL
     
  5. diana71

    diana71 Member

    I pray every day that he will change his mind and go to rehab. Or at the very least turn himself in for the violation of probation warrant. If he gets arrested or turns himself in I am hoping to talk to the DA and ask that they offer court ordered rehab instead of jail time. I just found out he is staying just down the street at a neighbors. I am now debating on calling the police and telling them where he is so they can go arrest him for the warrants. I think I have a better chance at getting him help if they arrest him or he turns himself in.
     
  6. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    That is eventually what happened with my son. He was out of state at treatment, got kicked out and came back to the state where we live where there were several warrants for his arrest for violation of probation....it took him 3 days until he was arrested again.....and it took a while and some time in jail but he I now in court ordered rehab. Can you talk to his PO and let them know where he is.....if he is violating probation it is the PO that will push for hi. To get tx....if he has a good PO.

    TL
     
  7. diana71

    diana71 Member

    I have called and left several messages for his probation officer and she has never called me back. I may have to just go to the office. When they do court ordered rehab is it like a jail setting rehab or can you take them to a private one?
     
  8. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    I'm not sure about rehab, was responding to ? about phone easiest for you would be to keep it turned on - it's worth the peace of mind...

    However if your son is like my X as far as losing things you might want to try what we did. X worked out of state would lose phones, phone cards, collect calls cost fortune besides him calling at 3am was a pain.

    I got a beeper/message service with a 1-800 number surprisingly it only cost me about $10 a month (though was years ago). It worked great for us I could leave messages to him on outgoing message, he could call and leave "daddy" messages to kids at 3am without waking them. We didn't talk directly to each other (saved lots of screaming matches) and it gave me a way to pre screen what he was saying to my kids.

    It might be an option to consider with kids who constantly lose their phones or don't call to check in because don't want to have conversation or call at designated time. It would also be a way for parents to have time to think of a good response, rather then winging it when they call with their drama.

    Nancy
     
  9. diana71

    diana71 Member

    We don't have a land line phone that we could get that service with. But he still has his phone. He did call me yesterday but only because he had nowhere to stay. I told him he can't come back till he agrees to get help and stop stealing. He got angry and hung up and then called back to ask if he could come by and get some clothes. I let him but I stood there and watched him the entire time. He asked if I had any food so I gave him a couple things and sent him out the door. He was angry I wouldn't let him stay but if I did that my husband and daughter said they would leave. It was the hardest thing I had to do to watch him walk out the door not knowing where he was going and he doesn't have a car.
     
  10. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Diana,

    As hard as it was I think you did exactly he right thing...you were not punishing and gave him clothes and food...but you held your ground with the important boundary you set. I don't think it will be long until he agrees to go for help.

    TL


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  11. diana71

    diana71 Member

    I really hope so. He claims he isn't using anymore but I have heard that before.
     
  12. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh Diana you comment brought me right back to the times we would let our daughter in to get clothes and give a some food and them make her leave. It was without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever done. She has since told me that what I did as right and she didn;t deserve to live here. I am really hoping that he calls you and asks for help soon. My daughter did that and it was the day I prayed for, I will never forget it.

    I'm thinking about you and I feel your pain.
     
  13. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    Diana, I know how hard that was for you but you did the right thing for the entire family. Wishing the best for you all.

    Nancy
     
  14. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Hang in there. I am finding that the hardest things are the right things to do for me and for my son.

    Prayers for you and for your son today.


    Sent from my iPhone using ConductDisorders
     
  15. diana71

    diana71 Member

    Nancy, I pray my son does the same as your daughter. Right now he hates me but it has only been a week since he left. He went by the house yesterday when I was still at work and my daughter was home. My daughter told him to leave and he spit in her face and she went to call 911 and he stopped her. They got in a big fight and there are now new holes in my kitchen wall and a glass table top was broken. We don't know where he is to tell the police to go get him for his warrants but I wish I could do that. We didn't call the police about the fight but I told him if he goes to the house unannounced and without my permission again we will call the cops. I am very scared he will hurt one of us in one of his fits of anger.
     
  16. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Talk to your daughter about calling 911 if he comes again....and if you have a land line you probably don't even have to say anything, just leave the phone off the hook and they will show up.

    I know how much this hurts....and of course right now he hates you, he is using drugs and you are getting in his way and not letting him run all over you. It will be different if he is sitting in jail alone having to face the consequences of his actions and you are still there for him.

    I hope this breaks soon...but it may take time.

    TL


    Sent from my iPad using ConductDisorders
     
  17. diana71

    diana71 Member

    Thank you. Reading all the posts here is really helping me stay strong and not give in. When I feel weak I just get on here and read what everyone is saying and it reminds me that I am doing the right thing.
     
  18. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    You are absolutely, positively doing the right thing. He has to be uncomfortable. He has to be SO uncomfortable, that he wants change. So long as he lives in your nice home, with food and everything provided there is no reason for him to want to change a thing.

    My brother went to rehab when he realized that he had nowhere else to go but an abandoned school bus to sleep. He went to a free rehab and has been clean for YEARS now.

    I know the pain, believe me. I have left clothes on the front porch for my daughter before. I have given her bags of food. I have visited her in the seedy motel roooms she used to stay in. And walking away from her each time was SO hard. But I know if she had still lived at home that whole time - she would either have been worse of an addict than she was (and she was already in the pits of hades), or I would have found her dead. She tells me now that I did the right thing, too. Now that she is clean, healthy and back home - she really appreciates those comforts of home and family. She is only 20 years old and spent three years as a homeless drug addict. She will be 21 this year and has NO desire to even have a drink. She couldn't care less. She claims she has put enough poison in her body to last a lifetime.

    There is hope. But I won't lie. It is usually a long, painful road to get there...(((HUGS)))
     
  19. diana71

    diana71 Member

    It is good to read about those that have overcome this. He broke a window to get in the house the other day and this morning I got a call from one of his friends mom's telling me that my son took her sons car without permission when everyone was sleeping so they threw him out. My husband (my sons step dad) is now wanting to leave me because of everything. I am sitting here at work trying very hard not to break down and cry.
     
  20. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Your husband sounds very frustrated....and doesn't understand how hard it is for you....but it's true you need to take care of you and your marriage before you take care of your son at this point. Your son is out of control and you need to let him go and face consequences....I bet it won't be long before he is arrested for something....waiting for that is excruciating I know.

    Hugs,

    TL



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