Steely
Active Member
I think I have had too much damage to my soul to ever love again. I really thought I could overcome this. I truly believed that somehow I would be able to love in a healthy way. But I believe I am wrong. I truly believe that I am going to have to stay inside my cocoon, protected from others, in order to function, forever.
Matthew is here visiting, and he is doing amazingly well. Yet I can barely breathe when I am around him. I feel like I am going to crawl out of my skin around him. I am deathly afraid it is all going to go South, and I feel frozen. I don't even feel like I can hug him, or relax and chill with him. And I am heartbroken.
A guy asked me out the other night, and we had a truly wonderful time. Holding hands, laughing. I emailed him the next day to say I had a nice time - and he never emailed me back. I know what that means. I know. And yet I so desperately, horribly wanted a relationship with someone. I cannot go through this with someone else. My heart cannot be broken ever again, or I think I will die. And I mean that.
I have been in counseling for 6 years - I have stopped since there are not any counselor in the town I live in. But I don't think it matters. I really don't. It is what it is. I am so deathly afraid of being hurt that I cannot function normally. Losing my sister, and Matt going off the deep end both last year, sealed it. I just know I cannot put myself out there again - but yet I so desperately want that intimacy. I want a normal life. The only way I can function right now is to work 12 hours a day, and come home and drink wine. That is so sad. And I know it.
And Matthew. How I LOVE him. I adore him. He is my life. Yet I am scared of him. Scared to the core. There is a part of me that hates him for what he did to me these last 18 years. And that is a horrible thing to say. I feel like he has turned my motherly love into sheet metal - and I am raw and ragged now. I want to be loving and sweet, but I am so scared and edge, that I am critical and angry. It makes me ill.
I want to have fun with him, and laugh, and instead I am hollow and sick. And that one feeling compounds the rest of things to the degree that I feel like I cannot function. I feel like I have been robbed of my ability to be a true mom. And by many failed relationships, I have been robbed from the ability to ever be a true mate. And by my sister dying I was robbed my closest friend that I will ever have, ever.
Thank you so much for letting me vent. I had to tell someone. I come on the board every day and want to respond to everyone, and I get such PTSD flashbacks that I feel like vomiting. So I am very, very sorry I have not been there more for you all. I still think of you everyday, and always pray for all of you and your kids.
And please do not tell me to get help - because I have been in and out of counseling my whole, entire life. I am on the 30 mg of Lexapro and Xanax. Therapy or different medications is not going to make this better. It is simply my life. And I have to accept it. However, I would like your ideas, support, and encourgagment - and most importantly your stories of how you have survived and made it to the other side of happiness.
Thanks
Steely
Matthew is here visiting, and he is doing amazingly well. Yet I can barely breathe when I am around him. I feel like I am going to crawl out of my skin around him. I am deathly afraid it is all going to go South, and I feel frozen. I don't even feel like I can hug him, or relax and chill with him. And I am heartbroken.
A guy asked me out the other night, and we had a truly wonderful time. Holding hands, laughing. I emailed him the next day to say I had a nice time - and he never emailed me back. I know what that means. I know. And yet I so desperately, horribly wanted a relationship with someone. I cannot go through this with someone else. My heart cannot be broken ever again, or I think I will die. And I mean that.
I have been in counseling for 6 years - I have stopped since there are not any counselor in the town I live in. But I don't think it matters. I really don't. It is what it is. I am so deathly afraid of being hurt that I cannot function normally. Losing my sister, and Matt going off the deep end both last year, sealed it. I just know I cannot put myself out there again - but yet I so desperately want that intimacy. I want a normal life. The only way I can function right now is to work 12 hours a day, and come home and drink wine. That is so sad. And I know it.
And Matthew. How I LOVE him. I adore him. He is my life. Yet I am scared of him. Scared to the core. There is a part of me that hates him for what he did to me these last 18 years. And that is a horrible thing to say. I feel like he has turned my motherly love into sheet metal - and I am raw and ragged now. I want to be loving and sweet, but I am so scared and edge, that I am critical and angry. It makes me ill.
I want to have fun with him, and laugh, and instead I am hollow and sick. And that one feeling compounds the rest of things to the degree that I feel like I cannot function. I feel like I have been robbed of my ability to be a true mom. And by many failed relationships, I have been robbed from the ability to ever be a true mate. And by my sister dying I was robbed my closest friend that I will ever have, ever.
Thank you so much for letting me vent. I had to tell someone. I come on the board every day and want to respond to everyone, and I get such PTSD flashbacks that I feel like vomiting. So I am very, very sorry I have not been there more for you all. I still think of you everyday, and always pray for all of you and your kids.
And please do not tell me to get help - because I have been in and out of counseling my whole, entire life. I am on the 30 mg of Lexapro and Xanax. Therapy or different medications is not going to make this better. It is simply my life. And I have to accept it. However, I would like your ideas, support, and encourgagment - and most importantly your stories of how you have survived and made it to the other side of happiness.
Thanks
Steely