I don't know anymore...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Confused, May 28, 2011.

  1. Confused

    Confused Guest

    Hi everyone. I just wanted to sum it all up and tell everyone here good luck and I want to give advice, but how can I when I can't handle my own. Thank you all for looking and or responding to my threads. Im still blaming myself for my sons and now my daughters behavior. My son really was terrible twos at a year and half, totally changing by age 3yrs.(for the worst) My daughter was just spoiled but improved. But now not only is my son in his own "his way or no way" my daughter is being the same. I try to not be too strict or too "giving in" all the time. We all went out yesterday to 2 stores and out to Village Inn. Other kids from babies to a 6 year old were there, a little jumpy in the seats but very well behaved. My son had to keep getting up,turning around,laying on the bench ( we had a big booth just the 4 of us), arguing he was hungry, he wanted to go(just got there) while me telling him they are full, it will take a little longer ,color, lets talk. I then pointed out how the other little kids were behaving"see the other kids". I know comparing is bad but at this point if I point it out maybe he will "see" how he is supose to act. At the mall, a little girl was hold her daddys hand in the parking lot, my son thought it was ok to "run" around!My daughter has to do paino lessons in order for her great grandfather (his rule) to pay for her private school.Been 3 years now? She hates it but insists on staying in her school. We argue about that, and that besides basically behaving and a little cleaning her mess and taking care of her gerbils/fish is her only responsiblity as is my sons( except the piano). My dad and I fight over the kids,my kids and us yell, which is no good. My daughter is really,really bad lately and on top of my sons deffiance, no job ( who will watch him when I do work, no one wants too and daycare issues/cost arise as well) is just alot to take in. One of my "friends" was upset because my father was too ill to drive(,chest pain/split toungue open) to her daughters function. I was nervous of leaving my dad alone as well as it got too late to leave. So this put a strain on her daughter/my daughters relationship as well. It seems as if its all building up. I have said things I regret"go live with your dad im done" and " told them their being horrible when they get this bad". Its wrong. Their dad and his friends drink soooooooo much, he drives buzzd/drunk as they do,they get violent on eachother( the adults) so I put a stop to alcohol being with their dad and his friends/parties and although I dont drink, a few of my friends do, as well at some of the kids friends birthday parties, I have to follow the same rule. My Uncle drinks, they do not go around because I follow the same rule and he always gets buzzed/drunk. I cant show the kids his arrest record as well as his friends, it wouldnt be right and thats what my kids can do when they are 18 years old.They know they drink and I told them they get violent. Their fathers other kids saw his ex hit him while drunk. So, its just extreme on my part so Im thinking of lifting it, just to make my kids happy and stop the arguments on why cant they stay at their friends parties if they drink. I explained if they want to drink in modertation when they are 21, thats fine,explained how it can make them feel etc. I feel like a fool,overprotective and just dumb I guess. Oh, and he/they approve of giving the kids alcohol!Im sorry this is so long. Well, my father has my kids so I can have a break from it, so Im going to relax while I have the chance.Oh , my sons tantrums are a lot less in length but still over anything and still biting hismself most of the time,slamming doors and his same ol deffiance. But my father gives in and takes him out to play even in hot /windy wheather an dgets the icecream truck almost daily just to avoid tantrums. Still not good to do, I been trying to be firm and tell him after, dinner,or whatever we have to do or just when wheather is good etc.Hmm..
  2. keista

    keista New Member

    Wherever it's extreme and potentially dangerous, I am so with you. However, if at these parties, the adults are drinking responsibly and/or you are there and can leave when it gets out of hand, then I would loosen up. I think that kids should and MUST see that drinking can be OK when done responsibly. It's not an all or nothing situation. My husband is an alcoholic. Son is old enough to remember and understand that dad drank to excess, and although mom (me) does drink, she does it responsibly. I don't get buzzed, I don't drive even after one unless 2 hours have passed, etc. in my opinion kids should get "tastes" of alcohol and "learn" responsible drinking in safe controlled environments, but the "teacher" should NEVER be an alcoholic. Unfortunately, even with my own personal philosophy, I probably will not be doing that with my own kids because laws these days on the subject are in my opinion very "Big Brother" Son, the Aspie, the rule follower, gets very upset if I even hint at allowing him a taste. He says he's fine with waiting until he is 21 then If he does want to drink, he will let me "teach" him.

    I forget if you have any evaluations scheduled for your son yet. If not, get moving. In the meantime, start researching on where he might fit. ADD, ADHD, Autism spectrum, sensory integration issues etc. It's very easy to find symptom lists to see if he fits. This is only to get you a springboard of where to start understanding and therefore adjusting both his and your behavior. This will also help to explain your position on some things with your Dad, especially if he's with your kids often in the capacity of a caregiver. Grandparents should be able to spoil and indulge their grand kids, but that really needs to change if they become babysitters/caregivers.
  3. Confused

    Confused Guest

    Hi keista,
    I agree about the responsible parties..BUT it is in the court order. "It is ordered that ..my name and his.. are permanently enjoined from:
    1)consuming alcholic beverage 12 hours prior to and during visitation with the children of the subject of this suit.
    2)allowing others to consume alcoholic beverages around the children the subject of this suit.
    3)taking or allowing a third party to take the children to bars or nightclubs
    The reason for this is his friends drink and other stuff, he is in the bar buissnes and all they do is drink ,drink and more drink. The other mother has it just for him but i have seen the holes in the walls at his friends, seen the violence etc. I do see its extreme and am teaching them about proper intake of alcohol. My daughter has seen her father sober and drunk and knows the difference. Ya, I used to take a sip of whine as a child! But now, laws are stricter. I do not shelter them from it but I tell them why and what people drink for any reason.My father is also caregiver,we live together.I have tried to get my son evaluation and they said he needs to grow and socialize. Hes everywhere,in schoool, tball,friends houses,parks,stores,adults/kids etc.Also I allow him to make mistakes,descissions, even do stuff like painting the house fixing door knobs,etc"older kids stuff". He helps me cook,laundry and so on. Dr says he is fine even when he saw all his bite marks on his arm, and he refused to see the video of a tantrum. He is good at school so they said its all my fault and my dads. As i said before, I kept changing discipline tech trying to find something that would work( thats was not a good idea I guess). Oh well.My dad is just tired and sick, but thats no excuse! I am reading books now about explosive behavior, thanks for replying!
  4. keista

    keista New Member

    So you must follow the court order and you are. Don't second guess yourself on that. I may end up with a similar order, but it would only be for Dad as a "supervised visitation" order. Of course, Dad can force me to do the same, but I will cross that bridge if/when I get to it.

    Seriously, get another Dr. You KNOW there is a problem with your child, you are trying to find the help he needs. The fact that this Dr refused to watch the video means he really does not care.

    At that age, my daughter was fine at school too. She saved it all for home. That changed in the second grade. School got ALL the bad behavior and I got none. I did manage to sneak in one snide "I don't know what you are talking about, she's an angel at home. Must be something you are doing wrong" Sure made me feel good, but of course I cooperated to help solve the issues.

    So tough to be muddling through, but you need to be proactive in finding help that you KNOW he needs. You wouldn't be on this forum if you didn't already know it. It's tough convincing others, and finding the right (or any) help, but once you do, it is so worth it.
  5. nvts

    nvts Active Member

  6. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    I'm going to ditto on...

    - get a different doctor - because they can make a huge difference not just in getting access to specialists etc. but in getting the RIGHT ones.

    - do your own research - if YOU have some idea going in, it gives the family doctor a basis to start with - and please don't stop with "one" that seems to fit, if there are others that also make sense. It takes time to do the research - on-line, and in print - find a good parent-support library, if you can - the books are expensive, but much of the info is not on the net.

    - keep fighting... someone on this forum said it takes an average of 7 years to get diagnosis'd...

    And then... you should probably start...
    - a parent report (see site resources) - we should have started this back when K1 was 5!

    Good luck. Stick around. For all of us here, sometimes we give, and sometimes we take. So, maybe its your turn to "take", and when you've turned a few corners, you'll have more to toss back into the mix.
  7. Confused

    Confused Guest

    Hi keista,
    Wow, I hope it works out with their dad's drinking issues, its tough to deal with! Its hard when they want to go to a friends party and their family is serving beer and we have to leave, it hurts me that it hurts my kids. I try to explain look what happened that their brothers saw,what I saw. Oh well, can't win all battles huh? My son is getting better,tantrums dramatically shorter,biting, well, slowed down but the slamming and kicking,nasty mouth and demanding hasn't stopped. So I was wandering, maybe he is "slowly getting better",its only "temper"?
  8. Confused

    Confused Guest

    Hi nvts,
    I do agree with you all that when the Dr refused to see the video , that made me worry. Before my visit with that "Psyc" Dr, their pediatrician seemed all interested kept saying bring it,sound like Bipolar ,ODD, maybe possibility ADD!" The very next week, he said" Ill talk to the other Dr, then shook his head no and if I HAD to come in then we would talk again about maybe finding another Dr." Well, after that, it floored me! But my son has" calmed down", we have kept him outside more even in hot,windy whether because he is calmer. Because I got upset, they say its all me, hes copying me! Well, after 3 years, ya, I cried! I didn't agree with them! Anywho, I said this all already!
  9. Confused

    Confused Guest

    Hi InsaneCdn,
    Thanks, I know what you all are saying about the Dr and the pediatrician, BUT... with my son being calmer, I think I will wait it out a bit longer again. The parent report, is that like writing down what triggered them,what was said/done etc? I have a couple of months worth of that saved on my computer. I will check it out. I want to help you all, but I do not want to give bad advice!
  10. keista

    keista New Member

    Yay that he's calmer! So glad, but please don't lose sight of what brought you here in the first place. If it never shows up again, then celebrate, BUT (I hate to be the bearer of bad news) BUT chances are, the way you described things, it will be back - just don't want you to get blindsided.

    Enjoy every peaceful calm moment!
  11. Confused

    Confused Guest

    Hi keista,
    Thanks! But why would he be calmer and be able to hold in or whatever, then blow again severely? I mean he is doing it with less rage, although, I still see the bite marks sometimes but he bites other "things " as well. Hmm, I know what your saying though.There might still be something there, but maybe he learned how to "calm" himself better? Hope so! Thanks, hope things are better for you as well.