I feel like a zombie!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by 4PawsSake, May 9, 2014.

  1. 4PawsSake

    4PawsSake Member

    Hi everyone, new here and so relieved to have found you all! I've been glued to my computer reading since yesterday afternoon and I'd go into my son's "stuff" (he's been diagnosed ODD and Conduct disorder) but I've read his story over and over on here. I write through tears of finally feeling like I might have found the place where I'll be understood.

    I'm on my way to court this am, he is applying to be emancipated from me. I'm so hurt by this.
    I feel like I'm in a warped time zone just hanging on by a thread.

    Hoping to learn new coping skills as there is very little to NO form of counselling for THIS!
  2. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    Welcome and best of luck to you today!
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hon, I'm so sorry your mommy heart is hurting. If he is old enough to become emancipated, you may want to hop on over to Parent Emeritus. Most moms there are parenting children eighteen and older, but your son is close enough in age for us to "get" your issues and for you to get ours. This forum is great, but it's mostly for people parenting kids who are on the younger side and can not become emancipated. You can go on Substance Abuse too if that is one issue and I suspect it probably is. It usually is. So you have two other options where you may get more responses because we have been in your shoes with our own kids and we still deal with them.

    I love your nickname. Sounds like you have a very soft spot for animals, which to me means you have a good, loving heart. I am an animal fanatic myself so we have that in common. And I've had tough times with a few of my grown kids. One is still often more like a toddler at times than like a 36 year old man. Yes...36. The other problem child has been over it many moons so there is hope. She did drugs, but she quit.

    It is nice to "meet" you however I'm so sorry you had to come here. With the CD diagnosis, I am assuming your son won't follow any of your rules and will break society's rules too...I can relate with 36.

    I hope you post more about things soon. I feel badly for you as I know what this does to a loving, caring mother who tried everything and nothing worked and had tok hear that it is her fault (it isn't...don't EVER buy that, no matter WHO says it).

    Gentle hugs.
  4. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    So sorry for your pain. There are no words that can offer comfort when you feel you've done all you can to no avail.

    I look forward to hearing more about your story. How old is your son?

    I know that when I found this site in 2002, the biggest boon was realizing I was not alone. I didn't know anyone in real life that was parenting a difficult child.

    Hugs to you on this difficult day ~ I hope you find a way to pamper yourself this evening.

  5. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome to our corner of the world. I'm glad you found us as you will find much support here. Like Sharon (I'm Sharon too), finding this place and realizing I wasn't alone was like receiving a life jacket that I've held on to!

    I'm sorry this is such a difficult day. Sending gentle hugs your way.
  6. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    So sorry. And welcome. How old is he?
    How did it go in court?
  7. 4PawsSake

    4PawsSake Member

    Hi again,
    Thanks for the warm welcome.
    Court was only supposed to take a few minutes, however, they had me get on the stand and give my opinions. He ended up having his conditions changed from having to reside with me to being able to live with his friend ("friends" that are so wrong for him), where he'll have a curfew, has to stay away from certain people he's been in trouble with previously, stay out of trouble, not drink and so on.
    After 4 FULLL years of this, my fiancée and I left our pets in the hands of my daughter and went away for the weekend. A much needed and well deserved break! That night my boy was arrested for breaching his curfew!
  8. 4PawsSake

    4PawsSake Member

    I texted him and he was so abusive. He is so full of anger!!
    The court wants him under my supervision, he will not come home and frankly

    Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
  9. 4PawsSake

    4PawsSake Member

    I texted him and he was so abusive. He is so full of anger!!
    The court wants him under my supervision, he will not come home and frankly, I don't want him back (I can't take any more) unless he's ready to take life seriously, go for treatment, alcohol and drugs (cocaine), anger management and whatever else he may need to get straight.

    He'll be 18 next month and HE thinks that he can stop his bad habits and straighten up by then. Thing is, he's hanging with a crowd that has no standards and require very little of him. I believe he's selling drugs too.

    We were very close or I thought we were, now he calls me a 'Sour old grinch', he's told me to eff off, he tells me to get a life and I'm actually fearful of him.

    He's always been a challenge in school. Even the day care would call often and threaten that he may have to leave not for rough behaviour but simply an unwillingness to follow the program. I've seen myself sit next to him in a classroom for a week just to make sure did his work. I'm a self employed single mom, I couldn't afford to take too much time off for this foolishness.

    My story here is probably coming off really jumbled but there are so many incidents that my head is FULL to the brim.

    He's stolen from me, spit on my house as he stormed out, punched holes in the siding, come home so many times drunk, been arrested for underage drinking, broken into a building, trespassed, recently been arrested for smashing windows on a rampage with a "friend", he didn't actually do the damage but he was there, came and went as he pleased UNTIL, my fiancée moved in and at first got along fine but after being verbally abusive to me, was informed that that was not going to fly here, he HATES him. My faience is a contractor, he had planned to get my son some work this summer but it won't happen now.
    He went out and got a tattoo on his forehead after I begged him not to. Now he uses it as an excuse to not work. He says 'who's going to hire me with a tattoo on my face"

    I have to stop typing for tonight. Thank you so much for this.
    There's so much I need to share. I'm exhausted.

    Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Once he is eighteen, you don't need to let him live with you, considering he is abusive, probably threatening and scary at times, a thief and a drug addict. Many of us have had to deal with this. I'm sorry you have to also.

    Once he turns eighteen there is legally nothing you can do to him, however you can decide what boundaries you are going to set for your relationship with him. That is the only thing within your control...yourself. How YOU respond to his new legal status is up to you and, yes, you can show him the door. Some of us have given our abusive, scary adult kids lists of homeless shelters and soup kitchens and sent them packing. Most of the time they don't last in shelters either because you can't be high there. But they ARE available and your son will not improve his behavior if he is allowed to bully you and treat your house like it is his right to be there and even deface it. Usually we also help the adult kids locate rehabs and if they start to turn around encourage them, but not until. It is a hard walk we have to take when we have a child who is potentially a danger to us, be it physically, verbally or a real threat to our health and well being. They are separate beings from us and we deserve to be happy, even if they decide to implode. We can learn to do this too and not engage in their drama. Your son is young. There is still hope. But it is 100% up to him. There is nothing you can do to make him want to change. Sadly, some of our difficult children seem to enjoy living on the edge and even risking their freedom to live a thrill-filled life....and often they expect us to be the ones to fund their lifestyles. In most of our opinions, it is wiser to cut off the money, but that's further down the road.

    The tatoo is his own problem. He could get some two bit job delivering pizza and save up to have it removed. He probably doesn't want to spend his money that way, but it's up to him and it is not your problem. You didn't have anything to do with it. I would not engage him much until he can speak respectfully. I had to do that with my own son.
  11. 4PawsSake

    4PawsSake Member

    We don't have shelters and soup kitchens in our town, the nearest is in the city 3 hours away. To send him in that direction would be tragic.
    Lastnight as we pulled in the drive from our mini getaway, the police pulled in too to serve papers. 18 more counts against gtg!! The officer told me gtg told him he did not want to come home or to his friend's place and he'd continue to go to jail. He figures he's doing it for a free meal. All authorities are just dumbfounded. He has a home, food, a mom and sister that love him, a potential future job but he's tossing it.
    His sister and I are the only family he has so there was never any support through this for him or myself.
    I once wrote his sperm donar expressing my concern after another arrest, hoping he'd step up to the plate and the response was "who's fault is that?". Not even a question of what kind of trouble...nothing!
    This is a man that married and had our two children to hide his true sexuality and sick behaviour , . After 14 years divorced, he's still bitter and blames me for his lack of parenting and believe me, I tried so hard to maintain his relationship with his kids but he made it impossible.
    It probably sounds like I'm into self pity, I'm not, I'm just so jumbled with all of this that I have no control over.
    The tattoo gtg LOVES, plans to have it touched up!

  12. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Look, it sounds, from what you said, which I believe, that you have done all you can. You were a good mom and had an ex who is refusing to be in his child's life. That is not your fault. It is hard to go it alone, but you did.

    Your son sounds like so many of our difficult children (read our stories...haha). They, for whatever reason, are not motivated to do life the normal way and some are ok with homelessness, jail, living under bridges, panhandling, stealing, anything but fitting into normal society. Some of us are working on accepting their bizarre lifestyle choices simply because we have no control over them and can not make them want to be a typical person. There is little you can do if he is ok with jail and likes his tatoo. It is really not in your control.

    I would try to slowly read about loving detachment and codependency and how to let go for your own sake and his. Liviing one day at a time, rather than catastrophizing about the future, is calming.

    I say this to myself each day before I face the morning and I don't believe you need to be religious to get the message, although I think it is more soothing if you are. However, what it says is clearly the truth.

    God grant me the SERENITY to accept th e things I can not change,
    the COURAGE to change the things I can,
    and the WISDOM to know the difference.

    Whoever wrote that was brilliant and in my opinion very soothing and helpful.
  13. 4PawsSake

    4PawsSake Member

    Thank you!
    I'm at that stage, where I need to break away and not think of it as a catastrophe ...I'm kind of stuck within myself. I need to do it for ME but am conflicted with the dread of feeling I'm turning my back to him.
    It's so difficult to get there!

  14. 4PawsSake

    4PawsSake Member

    I have a question, difficult child tells me "I'm a gangster and proud of it" is that a common way of thinking among these kids?
    I'm not religious but I do have a faith within myself. And I do appreciate any form of uplifting belief.
    difficult child does show me glimpses of hope now and then.