I guess I am that person who only shows up when I need something. Emergency again.

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Otto von Bismark, Oct 25, 2012.

  1. Sorry I haven't been around to be a help to people when they were down and we were up. There's a reason, though. One kid went off to college, I started grad school, and my son wasn't a disaster for a short time, so we were actually able to breathe and relax for a while. I also don't have much to offer in the way of advice to people.

    Anyway -- we are in another crisis. My difficult child, now 14, got a great therapist, did a therapy program for sexually deviant behavior, was doing well enough for them to "graduate" us when his therapist moved away, even though we begged to stay in program. We found another therapist -- don't know if she is the right one, but she does agree that all of our psychiatric testing (we had funky test results) indicates that we need a neurologist, and she is willing to advocate for us so we don't get tossed out without neuro testing (like the previous three times). We have an appointment. on Dec. 5th.

    Today he was at his grandparents' house and they caught him sneaking onto the computer and looking up pictures of naked children.

    After a frank talk, he admitted that he is sexually attracted to 7 and 8 year-old children, couldn't discern if male or female because he says he doesn't know. He has never touched one, nor does he plan to, he says, but I can't believe that he won't be led to it at some point due to his absolutely terrible impulse control. He says that he thinks of naked little kids when he masturbates (which he has had compulsive problem with). He now also says he is suicidal again, and has been for a few months. I called BS on that one ( even though I put precautions in place without him knowing) because he later slipped and told me he is suicidal only because he got caught again, just like he did one year ago with the animal killing. I am taking it seriously, just not taking him to ER tonight.

    He was afraid I would put him back in the hospital today. I told him that I could not promise that he would not go back to hospital at some point, because wanting to kill yourself is a horrible feeling to walk around with and I wanted to help him feel better as soon as possible. We are currently on no medications, as he has LOW TOLERANCE to almost everything we have tried.

    MY thoughts tonight: we need an Residential Treatment Center (RTC). I don't know how to get one. His problems are now totally out of my league, but he has not committed any crime. How do I find one? How do I pay for one? This is new territory.

    Where we stand tonight -- I gave him a Benadryl, which I never use outside of allergy, but I know knocks him out safely, and a sleeping on the couch. He can't go to any part of the house without walking past me and if I sleep, it will be a light one. Tomorrow morning call the therapist first thing.

    Anyone experienced significant sexual deviance? Residential Treatment Center (RTC) Advice?
  2. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    How very troubling. I personally don't have any advice except to say that you may need to have him placed simply because you will not be able to watch him 24/7 and won't be able to prevent him from gaining access to more child porn or (God forbid) harmimg a child. I know your heart is breaking because you love your son very much. Keep us updated, we do care about your family.
  3. Bunny

    Bunny Active Member

    Who is the psychiatrist that was treating him when he was in the hospital? Can you call them to ask for help? Maybe that doctor can see your son outside of the hospital. I agree with you that something needs to be done because you don't want him to hurt himself or any other child. You're right to be vigilant about this. I have no other advice. Please keep us posted about what it happening.
  4. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I have no idea. I would ask the therapist or psychiatrist. They are supposed to know those things.
    I am so sorry about all of this. My heart breaks for you. All of you.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I know somebody who adopted a little boy who has always had problems. When he expressed his attraction to little girls, well, he has a younger sister and he was put into a state Residential Treatment Center (RTC). Have you called social services? I think they would take this seriously enough to help you. I do not know if a therapist can help in this area. If you can't afford to pay for an Residential Treatment Center (RTC), you probably need to contact the state.

    Like your son, this little boy, now thirteen, had mental health issues all of his life and was on all sorts of medications...they did not help. It would be the safest to get him out of the community before something happens. (((Hugs)))
  6. Thank you for the kind replies. It helps so much, even if no one has advice, that I am going to try and long in regularly and contribute to others' posts. I thought because I don't know much, my comments wouldn't mean much so why bother, but ANY comment is good.

    I was up all night. My son slept all night, so we didn't have any suicide drama. I just got back from his scheduled school conference this morning and they just tested him to move up to the "accelerated" class. They actually gave him a 10th grade language arts exam and he got an 87% on it. He is on 8th grade. He also just got a 100% on his science quarterly exam. This is a puzzling child whose IQ scores range from about 70 to 80.
    We now think he is testing badly because he just doesn't give a rip about performing for any type of exam ( which I think fits into his sociopathic tendencies).

    I am about to call the sexual deviance program that he graduated from and see if they will let us back in. While he was in it, it did help.

    Thank you, for taking the time to reply. It helps more than I can say.
  7. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    About those IQ scores... the overall number doesn't mean much if the sub-tests vary widely. We found out (after 3 rounds of testing) that there are specific rules for when it is valid to assign an overall number - and about 1.5% of the population doesn't meet those rules.
  8. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Just wanted you to know that I have your family in my thoughts. I have not dealt with those issues so I honestly don't have any advice to pass along. I do know, however, that we have had parents on the Board who faced similar or the same issues. Sadly...very sadly...I don't recall ever reading a success story for overcoming the sexual predisposition. My fingers are crossed that you find appropriate help. DDD
  9. HopeRemains

    HopeRemains New Member

    I am so sorry you are going through this. I am in the same boat as you- not feeling that I have much to contribute by way of advice on this board, but you're right. Any comment helps in times of crisis if only to show you are not alone. (Hugs) to you and I really wish you and your family the best. Take care of yourself.
  10. buddy

    buddy New Member

    you guys are so right, I think it never hurts just to let people know you are simply there, listening and truly caring. I felt that from the start when I first posted (wow over a year now) and remembering checking over and over to see if anyone was out there or if I was just stuck in these thoughts all by myself.

    Never think your input is not valuable. I know I do not make sense in my post often these days because my head does not make sense, but when I see a reply that just says, hi, I'm here.....it gets me through it.

    That said, I'll jump off my box and say I am really sorry he is suffering this and that you have to work through such hard decisions. I could easily be in your shoes over our issues ....needing to look for residential in a hurry. Hoping it wont go that way but I can imagine the trauma it will be to go through that.

    I am sure it is heart breaking but given how smart he is (I agree, for him it sounds like IQ is an invalid measure of his ability) he could easily figure out a way to sneak and be a perpetrator which of course hurts the victim but will ultimately hurt any chance he has of at least doing something, even if it is supervised work or whatever. No one wants their loved one to have to live with the stigma of being someone who hurt others like that.

    I really admire that you are taking the bull by the horns and looking for solutions. I hope you dont run into too many brick walls though I can imagine you will hit some. I certainly know what it meas to just have it be you, the parent who has to do the 24/7 monitoring if needed. Not ideal, but we do what we have to do till we can find a better way. At least we get it that they can't be left alone.
  11. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    I am SO SORRY that you have to address this problem. It is scary to think your child is sexually attracted to young children. It won't be easy to find a placement, but I hope the deviancy program will help. This kind of thing is very difficult to change, sadly. It may be that you have to wait until he hurts someone to get any residential options.

    In your shoes I would go to the police/sheriff and talk to them about this. Why? Even just looking at child porn is a serious crime. The cops are going to have a hard time seeing difficult child as the perpetrator and not you, so you need to take steps NOW to protect yourself legally. If you can afford it, talk to an atty and have the atty with you when you speak to the police. You need to learn what to do to prevent difficult child from downloading child porn onto your computer. You cannot help difficult child if you get charged with having child porn, Know what I mean?? Given the previous treatment by the deviancy program, you shouldn't have much trouble proving that it is difficult child who has the problem.

    As for not feeling like you have anything to offer, sometimes just knowing people are listening and that they really 'get it' means more than all the advice in the world. Just because you are new doesn't mean you have nothing to offer. We all go through times when we just can't give, and that is okay here also.
  12. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    I would also be concerned about the history on his grandparents computer. Very illegal. I am so, so sorry you are going through this. I have no experience in this area....just wanted to offer support....
  13. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Okay, something I have some experience with though not with my kids.

    I helped a former member here with her son who had actually taken his fascination to the next step. He molested his younger step-sister for quite sometime and he was finally caught. When everything came out and the poo hit the fan, well it was messy. She had to move out of the marital house with her two older sons and leave her girls and her step children with her husband. She was living in a motel that they could barely afford. They were doing everything they could do to attempt to not prosecute him though I thought that wasnt a good idea (and still dont) I agreed to take the boy into my care here in NC while they located a Residential Treatment Center (RTC) that specialized in sexual predators. They let him come to me because I had no girls in my family and my boys were all older than him. Eventually he got in the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and was there about a year. Last I heard he was in the army but I dont know what else happened with him.
  14. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Many hugs. I am so glad that at least we can provide some kind of support. You must be exhausted after having stayed up all night! I hope you can get someone to help out and take turns with you.
  15. Hi. I am so sorry that you are all going through this. I cannot believe that the therapy program for sexually deviant behavior that your son graduated from is not helping you! Do they not have resources to help families? Surely others who have participated in their program have struggles after "graduating." No matter how great their program is I am sure that they don't "cure" anyone. I mean this has got to be a lifelong concern once the behavior is identified.

    Have you gotten any help since your post?

    Dealing with my young difficult child's hypersexuality is troubling enough. I can only imagine how hard this is for you! Please don't be concerned about not being here more to help others. I have had similar thoughts. I seem to only show up when I am am having a problem. But we are not all in a place where we can give back to others at the current place in our lives. Do not beat yourself up over that and do not feel guilty about it. You have enough on your plate.

  16. Thank you all again. So far, I can say that I called back his sexual deviance program and we are trying to get back in with them. My son did so well with the doctor we were assigned. She moved away, but I think we have a shot of at least getting someone to understand where we are at, because they deal with this regularly. HOW CAN THEY GRADUATE HIM???

    I also called our CARD center to get hooked in there, but I don't generally find them helpful. I don't really know why.

    I called the treatment center our doctor recommended and found that they don't take our insurance; in fact, I found that our insurance has no residential treatment at all, unless it is short-term psychiatric. So, I don't even know how to deal with this. I can't even imagine that this child will survive one of those high-level criminal juvenile places. He is such a target and so unsophisticated, and so physically weak.

    We have STRICT computer rules in our house. He has a phone now, but no smart phone. He bought himself an iPod touch, and an iPad from money he saved, but has had had both of them taken away because he abused the internet. It is not enough to just turn the internet off on those devices. For the past year everything has been password protected and he can't access internet on the home computer (in public place) unless I log him in, and he has to be supervised at all times while on computer. The problem is that he takes any opportunity he can to take advantage of other people who have computers. I have documented his texts with me from the day he got caught, where he volunteered what he was doing, in case I need to protect his grandfather.

    I refuse to allow him to hurt someone, while I have the capability to stop something. It is horrifying to think that the only way we can get intensive treatment is by him hurting someone. Not happening on my watch. I want to scream with the paradoxical nature of it.
    He also is not sophisticated. He does not even know about porn sites, believe it or not. He has never gone to a site, to my knowledge, nor has he sought out anything classified as porn. He has looked up "naked children" and "animals having sex" (on youtube), but never targeted a porn site. I know it's the beginning of terrible things, but at least he hasn't gone there yet. Once that porn stuff is in your brain, it stains you in a way that you can never make go away.

    What we need is for someone to say, "Okay. I got this. Here's what you do. First....." and just give us a plan. But we don't have anyone in our life who can do that. I can't even tell how bright my son is. Some days he seems like he could make it in some sort of job someday, and some days he really seems like he is one point away from intellectual disability, like his testing indicates. I cannot access his true thinking process to know if he premeditates his activities or if he is just impulsive. How can you have all of this layered on top of each other? Animal killing, autism, borderline intellectual disability, public masturbation, a strange non-tantrum version of conduct disorder, and now pedophilia? He is only 14. It's just not fair. There. I said it once.

    One other thing, he is still human, and still largely confused and disappointed with the way his life is working out. His quality of life is poor. He cannot do anything really that is not supervised by us. He has lied to us as recently as 48 hours ago, and his behavior relates to stuff he gets to do for fun. When he is screwing up, he gets reduced or no access to television or video games, which is his favorite reward. Things he can do (read, do puzzles, crafts, take walks, go out in the boat listen to music in his room or with me) he does not want to do. So he does nothing. Has no initiative to do anything except watch tv or go on computer.

    He also wants to take the Catholic High School entrance exam, so he is going through a practice book, but he can't sustain anything past ten minutes. So, if his quality of life is not good, and I don't have it in me to schedule every fifteen minutes of his life around the clock, perhaps a residential place will actually help him. He seems to need extreme, therapeutic structure. I can't do that. I've been trying for 14 years, and the only thing that keeps me going when the next horrific thing comes up is, "Well, at least it's not ____________. I can handle this." We are getting to the end of the list of behaviors and I am afraid there will be nothing left.
  17. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    It is frustrating, confusing and extremely unfair. To your entire family including difficult child. In spite of your determination to keep him from harming someone, you are only human and can only do so much. I don't think there really is anyone or any program to tell you how to handle everything. I know we sure never found any program or plan that had much of a realistic way to handle things and help our son. Heck, I am impressed that you found the program you did find.

    All you can do is keep working to find help and to help him learn.
  18. So, the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) our doctor suggested does not take our insurance, as I mentioned before. So, I called insurance and asked to be given a nurse case manager, which they wouldn't do, because I guess that would involve work or perhaps money on their part. They gave me some "nurse problem solver." I told her she couldn't help me, and she said, "Try me," so I told her that I was about to tell her all sorts of things that she has never dealt with before, after which she would be horrified, expresses condolences, and then tell me that she would be unable to help and would turf me out to someone else. She said she doubted it.
    I told her and she did exactly what I said she would, basically saying that I needed to call providers and to Baker Act him. I told him there is no emergency, and then she we have to wait until he does something to somebody and then go in as an offender.

    I will be damned if I would sacrifice some kid so he could get a record and then get help. ANY providers I talk with tell me to call my insurance company. My insurance company says to call providers. This is a form of HELL ON EARTH.

    The Sexual deviance program just refused him, until they see neuro results. We are assuming that I can get a neuro to look at him. I have gotten bounced out of THREE neurologists' offices. They tell me that it would be pointless to test him because they "can't cure autism."

    I just want to crawl in a hole right about now. And I have cramps. I feel like there is no hope.
  19. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    My input is minimal but I have been keeping your family in my thoughts. I keep thinking about your diligence in monitoring him...evidently by not sleeping. Frankly that picture keeps running thru my mind. I have tried to stay awake to monitor my difficult child so he could neither let drug friends inside our homr nor go out to join them. Although my intentions were based on the concept that I would/could protect my teen no matter what the cost to my health...I found that I was not able to sustain alertness as needed. I had tried that same system when I was in my 20's and had a difficult child child who loved to go outside during the night..even in my 20's I could not do it.

    Have you explored window and door monitors? Although I never used them that is how foster homes are set up to protect healthier children from those with a history or tendency toward sexual deviance. As a volunteer I monitored foster homes for awhile and the alarms evidently were quite effective...loud and effective.

    Hugs. DDD
  20. buddy

    buddy New Member

    I wish so desperately we could fix this. I can't remember ...have you tried county mental health case managers?