I hate to whine and vent but I dont have anyone else

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by DammitJanet, Nov 4, 2011.

  1. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Im concerned. I think I am having issues with Tony. Ok, that isnt true, I know I am. We are at each others throats constantly.

    All I hear everyday is how he goes to work everyday but that isnt something I would know about. I "get" to stay home all day every day and do "nothing" and sleep as long as I want. I could do more than I am doing. If you dont use it you lose it. Im just not trying hard enough. If anyone stayed in bed as long as I do they would be miserable and sick. Or even better...if HE stayed in bed as much as I did, HE would be miserable too.

    He simply doesnt think I am as bad as I am. Oh he will talk the talk. He claims he believes that I am disabled and will tell everyone that he knows that I am and in front of everyone he acts like he is so caring of me and in some ways he can be. But then when this stuff goes on, it drives me insane. I cannot do more than I can. I simply cant work or stand or drive myself into having to end up in bed for 3 or 4 days in bed just so I can try to stand up and wash dishes or cook a meal on one day that takes more than 10 minutes.

    He has announced to me that he has invited his youngest brother and his wife for Thanksgiving. I was appalled. My house is in no condition for anyone to visit. The kitchen is a mess, my living room looks like a storage area because that is where everyone dumps everything coming in or leaving the house. It doesnt even have real furniture in it. My family room does but not the living room. It just has a bunch of junk and trash that needs to go somewhere. I cant move it. Even the crib I bought is still leaning against boxes there. I cant see how "we" who will end up being me because no one else is going to do it, is supposed to get this house in shape for company can do it before Thanksgiving. I know I cant. When I said I didnt want to do this, I got yelled at and told I was selfish and that it would happen. Hmmm. I wonder if he even remembers that right after Thanksgiving is a very difficult date for me. Actually dates. My mom died on the 29th and my dad died on 12/2. It will be 1 year for my dad and 6 years for my mom. I am so resentful.

    Then just two days ago Tony had a small job that he could take Cory with him to work with him. Now he always makes this a big deal like he is doing him this huge favor and he is...I guess but its the attitude I could do without. That smugness. Well on Wednesday all was well. Cory now lives about 10 miles from us out in the country. Of course, Tony would NEVER do Cory a favor of going to get him. Never, even though he does sometimes go get other people if they dont have rides. Gag me. Well on Thursday Cory had a flat tire on his way to our house. He got a neighbor to drive him to our house but he got here 15 minutes too late. Tony had already left. Corys phone also had a dead battery. I didnt actually hear Cory come in but Billy did, woke up and went to the bathroom and saw Cory. He thought Cory was here with Tony so he didnt think anything about it and went back to bed. If he had realized what was going on he would have let Cory use the phone to call Tony but neither Billy or Cory thought about it. By the time Cory got here and saw Tony gone, Cory assumed Tony was already on the interstate and wouldnt have waited for him.

    Well...Tony is acting like a brat over it. He claims Cory turned off his phone and never came to the house yesterday. BS. He was here all morning. Both Billy and I have told him so but he isnt believing us. Tony is convinced Cory turned off the phone on purpose. I say he didnt. Why would he when he wanted to work? Batteries die. I cant tell you how many times Tony's phone doesnt work when I call him. Oh he says...that is only when he shuts it off so I cant call! Oh really? Hmmm. Guess Im shutting off his phone then. Cell phones are in my name. Hell everything is in my name except the lot my trailer is on.

    Im seriously considering "selling" my mobile home to Tony if he wants this place. Then I can move out and get an apartment in a low income apartment for the disabled. I dont need anything but a one bedroom with a walk in shower.

    Tony actually didnt tell me he didnt let Cory know they werent working today. If he had told me to call him last night I would have done it. Instead at 4 am Cory called my phone because Tony's phone wasnt answering. Tony wakes me up to tell me my phone was ringing. I called Cory back to tell him they werent working today because it was raining. Because no one told them last night they had to wake the baby up at 4 to get her dressed to get in the car. Im ticked. That was childish. Tony's answer was...well he should have called me yesterday morning.

    Batteries. Or signal issues. Anything can happen with a cell phone. Its not rocket science.
  2. buddy

    buddy New Member

    How frustrating. Go ahead and vent. More than anything, I wish he would be your friend. You have been through so much. Can you ask Tony what he is making for dinner on Thanksgiving?
  3. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    They're Tony's guests, he can worry about it all.
  4. Josie

    Josie Active Member

    I don't have any good ideas. Just sending sympathy.

    I will say as the parent of a child with an invisible illness, like yours, I sometimes lose my patience with the whole thing. I *know* she is doing the very best she can but there are times I am frustrated with her. When I am not in the moment, I know it is her illness and not her that I am frustrated with. husband is prone to thinking she isn't working as hard as she could be and I have to remind him *again* that she is doing the best she can do.

    I am able to talk with my daughter and I think make amends after one of my own outbursts. I hope she knows I am sincere when I say I know she is doing the best she can do. Are you and Tony ever able to talk about it in a calmer time?

    My daughter's worst issue right now is bursts of anxiety. That is when I am prone to lose it myself. She bring me back to reality by saying mostly calmly "do you think I want to live like this?"

    Is it just an impossible dream to get Cory and Billy and/or their SO's to help you get the house ready for Thanksgiving? It seems like you do a lot for them and it would be reasonable to ask them. I know we're not always dealing with reasonable people though. LOL
  5. keista

    keista New Member

    ((((HUGS)))) Sounds like a very classic dilemma between men and women. Also, it sounds as if Tony is frustrated and scared of your disability, so is hiding in denial. more ((((HUGS))))

    I see only one solution. Is it at all possible to hire some ppl to help clean up the house? Even Cory and Billy. One weekend, X dollars and 'lets get it all done.' After the big stuff is done, can you get a 'health aide' in to help you do take care of the daily chores? Or even hire a cleaning service once a week. No, you shouldn't have to. You have two other able bodied adults in the house, but if they're not going to help, it's time to get outside help. Maybe THAT will drive the message home to Tony that you REALLY are not physically able to do this stuff.

    by the way I'm NOT saying to get this done by Thanksgiving. He should absolutely not have extended the invitation without checking with you first. (by the way, my Dad does that to his wife ALL the time)

    We had a mini discussion about this on another thread. I 100% get that you can't do it yourself. The men don't. But the current problem is that the state of your house has deteriorated and become the status quo. You can't change it physically yourself, but you can bring in ppl to do so, and hopefully "shame" Tony and Billy into helping out more.

  6. keista

    keista New Member

    Oh, and a great big giant DITTO to Buddy and Haozi!

    It's his problem. IF he doesn't know "how" to get things cleaned up, you can always be the Foreman and tell him and billy exactly what needs to get done, step by excruciating step - just like we all recommend is done with "our" kids with executive function problems. Realistically, that *could* be why they don't do anything to help out - they don't have the mental mechanics to organize and plan it all.
  7. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry, Janet. This is all just so unfair to you, and you don't need the stress. I would agree that some of Tony's attitude may be fear of your disability, but of course that doesn't excuse his behavior one bit. But, it also could be just plain ignorance and denial. What about inviting him to come to your next doctor's appointment, so he can get an earful from the doctor first-hand about how you're doing? I think he needs a reality check on your condition.

    I also agree with asking him how he plans to handle Thanksgiving on his own...

  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    He knows how. He grew up without a mother from the time he was 15 and before that she taught all her kids because she had 6 kids and she was overloaded herself. Ohhhh...now that may be a part of it. His mother weighed 403 pounds when she died and I think she was able to do more than I am. Well its not a contest, I have seen people who weigh more than me now and are not considered disabled. I dont think he understands I would so gladly have a job instead of being like this. I had a job I loved...really loved. Now I stay home making a third of what I made with no contact with anyone. Not fun.

    I tried to get a housekeeper one time before and you would have thought I suggested we move into the Hilton. He accused me of wasting money even though I found a woman who was quite reasonable I thought on Craigslist. Now I did have to end up letting the woman go after a few times because she started to spend full days just washing dishes which was milking me but the first few days she did really well. She was willing to be paid $5 an hour. I figured two 5 hour days a week for a couple of weeks would help. Lord help me, I should have just shot myself.
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    He has been to some of my appointments, like when I had my knees scoped. He was there to hear Dr A come out and tell him that he was so shocked to see what he had assumed from the Xrays as being just a mild case of arthritis ending up being actually pretty awful inside my knees and that Tony should always be there to advocate for me with doctors because I dont film well. Dr A was almost in tears because he said he almost didnt believe I was in as much pain as I said I was in. Now there is a big note on the front of my chart to see surgery notes.

    Tony has also gone to therapy with me and he talks the talk but my therapist (or ex) has about had it with him because he rolls his eyes and gives they "but yeah she could" things. He also does this whole thing of blaming the doctors for having me on too many medications. Im sorry, I didnt know he had a medical degree. Trust me, I do everything under the sun to stay on the lowest doses of medicine I can be on. Most people would be perfectly satisfied to just let the docs keep upping their pain medications instead of getting painful shots into their joints. He has seen me get shots into my knees just days after I had surgery, without complaining. My therapist is so mad she is threatening to call APS.

    Literally, my family didnt even clean up my house when I was in the hospital with the meningitis and it has been bad since then. I have not been well since then. I certainly havent gotten better since I had to relearn how to walk. If they had come to the house to make sure it was safe, I would not have been allowed to come home. I came home and was so shocked and upset.
  10. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I totally get your frustration. Totally.

    You love Tony and he loves you. Problem is, you've been together so long. I know that sounds silly but it's true. I know because that's the way husband and I were the past couple of years, not all the time, but much of it. Mostly it's because he took me for granted and I was tired of it, especially when a lot of stuff I couldn't do anymore for various reasons. What I didn't realize is I was taking him for granted too, in the areas he did help...........which were much more than I realized until he was gone. No, he didn't do a lot of the things that I wanted him to do, but he still did a lot more than I gave him credit for or properly appreciated him for. It goes both ways with you've been with someone most of your life. You don't even think about it.

    If he wants company for thanksgiving, see if you can get that reasonable maid to come back out and help. I'm sure she could use the money for the holidays. Use this as an excuse for extra help with the house, both the maid and others helping out. If Tony gets mad, and he probably will, remind him it's gotta be done or his family is going to see his home the way it is when you get no help at all. He may grumble, but he'll probably be like my husband and pitch in as well as zip his lip over the maid. And it might help you to be able to keep the maid after the dinner is over too cuz he'll like that things are cleaned up finally.

    You need the help. He's given you a good excuse to hire and recruit it.

    But like I said, I soooooo totally get it.

  11. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Aw Janet I agree with Lisa, you too love each other, you're just going thorugh a rough patch and he isn't being very helpful. If I lived closer I'd come over there and help get that place in shape, I've had a lot of practice with my girls moving in and out over the past several years.

    You have twenty days, can you break it into chunks and do a little each day? Maybe the goal should be if you get it in shape he does the cooking.

  12. buddy

    buddy New Member

    you know what Janet, not sure what you have around you , but we went to Old Country Buffet for about 3 years up until the last two. OUr families were all just overwhelmed and so we all met there, the kids got tons of treats and loved it. No prep, no cooking, no clean up. Is there any reasonable place like that you guys could go to. It for sure was not as expensive as buying everything for us...
  13. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member


    Tony is probably going through as much as you are. Its just that guys don't show it the same way.
    I'm guessing that he's always believed that you were going to "get over this"... that it wasn't going to become "permanent". And he's now having a panic attack... because he wants you WELL (at least, on some "reasonable" definition...). He wants a wife and a housekeeper and a buddy... he didn't plan on "disabled". Its a major mental shift for him, and he doesn't want to go there. So he's trying to force you to become well. If he were really stopping to think this through, he would realize that 3 + 2 doesn't = 10. But... he is NOT thinking rationally.

    Which is part of what is driving YOU crazy.


    If it wasn't so far, I'd ship husband down there, and he'd have your place cleaned out in less than 2 days. I'm serious... But I can't do without him (need help with difficult child and other stuff) so... its just a nice thought.
  14. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Similar things are happening here, on a smaller scale. I work a day and then need two to rest up. Hubby was out of town for four days, and I heard about everything I "should" have done while he was gone. I've worked three days this week, which is about all I can take without the additional hosuhold things to deal with.

    I totally understand where you're coming from, and I ditto the hiring a maid to clean up. Hugs.
  15. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    No advice on this one...I have a few fleeting thoughts: the guy is being a jerk- the guy does really want a 'typical' household where he can have a couple of people over to share T-day dinner- you need some help and why can't a person come in to clean once a mo if a few times a week isn't doable- and so on- none of that matters because you two need to find the solution that is comfortable for both of you- you will work it out- you love each other- nuff said....except, in the meantime,

  16. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    If he were female he'd be accused of PMS. He is having an emotional reaction that isn't jiving with the facts.

  17. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Save the kitchen for last. How about you and Tony make a plan to do your living room together? You will sit there and say "trash" or "save". Since there isn't furniture in there, it may be the easiest to clean out. Tony will just keeping hauling out the stuff you don't need to the trash. A good rule is, if you haven't used it or worn it in a year, it's trash. Don't save anything you think someone may want later, your objective is to get it cleaned up. You may waste some things, but the end result will be worth it. Empty the whole room. I realize that you may have to make a mess of another room while you do this. On Day 1, empty the room. On Day 2, put things away.

    I didn't mean you would "just" be sitting there. You can take a windex bottle and some paper towels and start cleaning things that you can hold. Nothing big, just to have the little things clean. This job seems like nobody wants to do it because there are many things and nobody knows where to put them. But you do! You need to be there to give direction. Tony needs to be there as well. Your house will be cluttered up until you get this room put back, it won't take as long as you think, nor will it be as daunting once you start and have at least some of it done. Throw away anything that is junk, your goal is to have a nice house.

    Great that his relatives are coming, now he has an excuse to help you! Don't worry about what they are going to eat, Boston Market and get take out (who even cares, I think your supermarket can even make it for you), your goal is a clean house. That's Tony's goal, now he has an reason to help clean. Billy can move the big things or take out trash, this way nobody is overwhelmed.
  18. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Dear Janet,

    I just reread your post and I think the best solution would be to just burn the house down. With or without Tony in it " that's up to you. You can hide out here. LOL (That's the Italian in me…wanted to give you a smile) :)

    I am sorry I didn't respond yesterday, I was out all day and I couldn't type a heartfelt response on my phone without bungling it. And you have been so open; I really wanted to return the same type of warm and earnest response you've written to me and so many others.

    So, go ahead and whine. We've all been there. IIRC, both you and Tony are in pain this week " his tooth and your knee. Pain makes people stabby, myself included. Plus you guys have a whole lot on your plate. The new baby is a WONDERFUL blessing but even blessed life events create stress. Add the uncertainty regarding K, the cluttered living space, the upcoming holidays, kids your worry about and KABOOM.

    You have 3 sons and so do I. My dad was the youngest of 4 boys and the most important thing he advised me (when they were very little) was to resist the urge to become their referee. He said " once you go there " you will become the referee forever and it's a place you don't want to go. He was right. Except now it's the urge to referee between them and my H that's become a stumbling block. H will bristle at something one of them does (or doesn't do) and my internal mama bear will wake up from hibernation.

    From reading your post, it sounds like you have become the mediator and communicator between Tony and Corey. Tony's acting like a brat, Corey's annoyed at the lack of communication " seems they both have valid annoyances " BUT THEY ARE MAKING IT YOUR PROBLEM. That's not fair. Do yourself a favor, and step out. Let them know it's between them and don't offer an opinion, a solution, or your $.02. They are big boys, Corey has kids of his own " they need to stop acting like little boys vying for mom's attention. I am sorry if I sound harsh, but if you don't step out " you will be their referee forever. And who wants that? Men have a way of understanding each other, you've get to let them find their own relationship especially if they will be working together. Women tend to stew over things; guys tend to say their piece and moved on. IME (family biz, 2 brothers) you will end up immersed in their bothers with each other " but they will leave you out of their good interaction. All of the agony and none of the fun… NO FAIR!

    You've gotten lots of good advice regarding solving the Thanksgiving and decluttering dilemma, so I will leave that alone.

    As for your inclination to look into a new apartment with better accessibility " I think it's a wonderful idea. I know you've posted that it's very difficult for you to get around and that you've had to give up things you enjoy because your home isn't accessible. I think you've handled the burden it's put on you with grace and dignity. At this point, it sounds as though it's your home that is holding you back from building a new lifestyle that will accommodate loss of mobility. I really think that you should seriously consider a fresh apartment that will be functional plus have other people around. You come across as very friendly and I am sure you must feel isolated at times. I know that having to rely on others for everyday needs must be trying and probably adds to your anxiety. Look into it for curiosity's sake. Get the facts, see some and see where it leads. Every journey starts with a first step. Maybe you can have two homes " or maybe you can get a 2 bedroom with plenty of space for you and Tony and Billy. Or maybe you will decide to stay put.

    I hope you woke up to a new day and things are looking brighter. We all have off days. I am having one myself today. I am isolating myself in my office until I can play nice.
  19. keista

    keista New Member

    Upallnight explained the process very clearly. I say print it out and show it to Tony because ultimately it was his invite, so his responsibility.

    Also, most supermarkets do prepare Thanksgiving feasts with all the fixings (including dessert) that you just have to warm up. I've priced them out and really not all that much more expensive than if you did it yourself.

    Hmmmmmmmm "reason for editing" is missing
  20. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Signorina...You have hit it pretty much on the head.

    I do stick my nose in with Tony and Cory. There is the "baby boy syndrome" going on badly there. Now that I have managed to get him mostly out of difficult child status in my book, he has become my baby boy. And boy does he use it...lol. All I have to hear is "Mama" and my heart melts.

    I did ask about the hiring of help and tony flipped and said we have two / make that three including Mandy kids living here that could help us since stuff of theirs is here helping to make the mess so why shouldnt they help get rid of it. I said to him well why are you kvetching to me about it all the time? That isnt getting it done. I came home and made a phone call and Cory agreed to come to the house in the next week or so and help me out. Now whether or not Billy helps is a whole nother story. Tony tends not to even approach him because he is much easier on Billy. That ticks me off. But Tony hadnt even asked he only assumed that Cory wouldnt come help...sigh.

    Of course, I am dangling a cell phone for Xmas as a carrot over his head too...lol.