I need some advice please!!!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by scared, Jul 8, 2010.

  1. scared

    scared Guest

    I just found this board and really need some advice. If you can bear with me through some of the murky backround details, ( I will try to be brief) I would be forever grateful for any input and help anyone can offfer!

    I married my husband a litle over 3 years ago. He had 3 kids from his first marriage. He has custody of them because his ex-wife walked out on him and the kids for another man. When I met them, the kids had a few problems, but they seemed to be normal problems that most kids being raised by a single father and dealing with a divorce would have.

    We got married, and I became a stay at home mom mom in order to eliminate a HUGE daycare bill. The kids at the time were 9 (girl), 5(boy), and 4(girl).

    Fast forward to March of 2008. My husband and I had a baby girl together and I couldnt be happier. She is everything I could have ever dreamed of. His kids love her and think of her as their sister. We never refer to anyone as half or step...unless we legally have to.

    The Two middle kids problems were continuing to get worse and worse. In July of 2009, My husbands youngest daughter was admitted to a residentail facility to deal with ADD and ODD issues. She came home in October and seemed to be making some progress. While she was gone, her brother went sliding down hill in a BIG way. He has been on all kinds of medications, and as of today, there are no other medications we can turn to, and no higher doses. He has severe ADHD and conduct disorder. While on the medicine for ADHD, is is still 94% from standard deviation. That is a lot of loose ends for being on medicine. His daughter is on Conccerta 54mg and Respiradal.

    I myself have medical problems and am at my wits ends trying to help these children. My marriage (even without the strains of special needs kids) is rocky at best. My husband dosent like to admit that his kids problems are as severe as the doctors have told us they are.

    My question is this.... I am scared for my daughter. She is my main concern. My stepkids have a mother. They do see her, and she wants to be more active in their lives. My daughter only has a 50% chance of inheriting the genitics that cause some of these problems, but enviornment can play a factor too. I am also worried for her safety. She has not 1 but 2 people to worrry about in her home.

    If you were in my situation, would you take your child and leave, or would you stay and do all you could and hope for the best.

    I hope I do not sound like a horrible person. I truly love these kids, but as a mother, I have to put my own daughters well being and happiness in the forefront of my mind above that of all others. I just really need some guidance from others in the same kind of situation as me I guess.

    Thank you so much for bearing with me, and for any help you might have to offer!
    Lasted edited by : Jul 8, 2010
  2. Mom2oddson

    Mom2oddson Active Member

    Unfortunately, this is a question only you can answer.

    As far as being a horrible person - You are NOT! You are in a horrible situation. There is a difference.

    I have three kids that I love with every fiber of my being, one I gave birth to, the others were born of my heart. And there were many times that I had the same question of stay or leave. For me, the bond that husband and I share is very special and worth the struggles. As for my easy child, it worked out for the best. He had a lot to deal with, but it made him stronger. And now, he's in college studying to be a psycholoist to help others.

    I know this isn't much help. Wish I had more to offer.
  3. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Welcome. Glad you found us. Sorry you had to seek us out. That welcome tells you that all of us understand alot about life that is less than perfect. You've found alot of caring ears. For most of us just knowing we are not all alone with our problems provides a little bit of comfort.

    I won't suggest what I think you should do. Really you are the only one who can decide your future path. I've raised my children, my step children and two grandchildren....three difficult child's in the mix. Even after fifty years of parenting I'm still not positive I would make the same choices if I could revisit the circumstances that shaped my life.

    You are no longer alone. Others will be along to welcome you. Meanwhile, I'm sending caring thoughts your way. DDD
  4. Farmwife

    Farmwife Member

    Nice to meet you. I am sorry you are going through so much right now.

    My ex has serious mental health issues and our parting was bitter.

    My current husband has been around difficult child and I for about 4 years. We recently had a baby and are expecting again so I can sort of relate. In our situation there were some ongoing issues:

    *difficult child (gift from god, problem child) had some serious emotional damage from my ex and had his own version of dealing with it which presented itself as serious anger. It took a couple years for him to sort it all out and it took counseling for him to get there. medications took the edge off but he needed to learn some coping skills too.

    *difficult child had to learn to accept the new man and husband in my life. There was a lot of jealousy issues and then the typical new parent "I don't like him telling me what to do" stuff to muddle through. A kid who has ODD is not too happy about a new authority figure in the house.

    *difficult child and his various issues have been a nightmare, no way to sugar coat it. After 3 years of total insanity we are now just getting stable and *gasp* almost normal. It was a long hard road with a lotof tears and work but we are getting there. slowly...

    *There was a lot of chaos after my easy child (perfect child) was born, I'm talking violent outbursts. difficult child had sibling jealousy and assumed he was being replaced or some other such nonsense. I too was at the end of my rope and wondering if I had to place my difficult child elsewhere. It was a heartbreaking thought but I knew I had to protect my easy child infant. Thankfully as we came to the final moments of difficult child living here we had some breakthroughs and life eased up. We still have ups and downs but the dysfunction has faded to just normal family junk when dealing with a teen.

    The difference in my situation is that both children are my bio children. While I am sure you love your steps I can see how in this situation that bio baby takes priority. All I can say for steps is that my husband has been a trooper and difficult child has really put him through heck, so that is common. I think bio and step parents get dumped on equally. It just gets hard when the bio parent isn't cooperative with step. If you guys can't agree on something it makes it harder.

    I highly suggest counseling couples and family. Reason being is that even if you do choose to leave this man is the bio parent of your child and you will have to work with him. Seeing dad is important for a kid which will probably include seeing the half siblings. So, until his bio kids are under control you may not get as far as you like away from it all. It hoovers but you will legally and morally have a connection to this man for life. Indirectly your baby is stuck with those kiddos now. If Dad is a nice guy who is just trapped doing the right thing it would be so harsh to maybe not let him see his baby whom he probably loves very much just because of the siblings. (if that were an option) Obviously he is a decent guy for taking care of difficult child kids when the ex was absent for a time. Parents rarely agree 100% on parenting styles. You two may never have a meeting of the minds as a couple or not.

    Do you still love your husband? Is it something counseling may help sort out? Can bio Mom be more involved so you guys get breaks? I can vouch for how much damage my difficult child did to my marriage and how much better husband and I get along now that difficult child is acting better. My marriage improved after my difficult child improved.

    Can you take a break and move out temporarily for safety if you need to? Do you have a safety plan?

    Ultimately you must protect your baby but preserving family is importnat too if it can be done.
  5. Doddlin

    Doddlin Guest

    I wouldn't suggest what you should do but consider what the impact of a divorce will have on your daughter if you leave. That can cause emotional problems with the kids that sometimes takes a lifetime to work through.
  6. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Is there any chance the kids don't have ADHD, and the stimulants for ADHD are making them worse? Sometimes misdiagnoses occur, and when the kids are properly diagnosed and properly medicated, things improve a great deal. Perhaps before making any decisions about your future, you might want to have these children evaluated by a neuropsychologist who can rule in or out many childhood disorders.
  7. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I'm also going to refrain from offering a suggestion wrt your marriage.

    But wrt the difficult children...I got a little confused with your story. I think the boy is now 8 and diagnosis with ADHD and conduct disorders and you have tried multiple medications with no success. Could you be more specific with which medications, what other services (Occupational Therapist (OT), pt, counseling, etc) have been tried, what is he like at school?

    The 2nd girl would be...7??? And has already been at an Residential Treatment Center (RTC)? What led to that placement? What is her diagnosis?
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I can't tell you what to do about your marriage, but I'm there with smallmom. I'm thinking that these kids have not seen good diagnosticians and have probably been misdiagnosed. Stimulants should help their impulse control if they have ADHD. The fact that no ADHD medications help tells me to explore further, maybe remove those medications. Have they been to a neuropsychologist? Also the vast majority of good psychiatrists and NeuroPsychs know better than to diagnose Conduct Disorder is such a young child...I would not trust the treatment they are getting.

    Although there is a lot of chaos in your daughter's life, there is really no way to stop that now. My daughter's friends are mostly from divorced homes, a few who never saw their parents together. It's still a world of going from house to house and back again and the kids really hate it especially as they get older. Then they have to deal with new stepparents, usually from both parents, and new stepsiblings, and it gets very complicated and unsettling. There is no way to totally spare your daughter...she will see her father. She will see her stepsiblings. Whether or not you want to leave the marriage, the child is still going to have a lot to deal with in her life. That doesn't mean she can't overcome either option, but if you still love your husband, leaving him will not eliminate her time with him completely nor can you keep her away from her stepsiblings when she is with him.

    Sadly, there are no simple solutions.

    Welcome to the board. We get it!

    Good luck, whatever you decide to do.