Some info and advice from the been there done that school of experience:
Look through the sp ed 101 archives of this forum for a boilerplate letter (one where you fill in names, etc....) to request and IEP for your son. Given his problems, do NOT settle for a 504. They can be great IF the school wants to follow them, but you cannot enforce them in court. The request for IEP MUST be sent via certified mail, return receipt to the school. Why? It puts in place a timeline that CAN be enforced in court. It PROVES that they got the letter and on what date, and they have a set number of days (calendar days NOT school days - common school district game but the law is calendar days no matter WHAT they tell you) to do the evaluation and have the IEP date.
Sending the letter also gives your son the protection of an IEP until the date they deny it. He gets the protections right then and they CANNOT suspend him for more than 10 days with-o a meeting to decide if he will be better served in another setting. Your son has the RIGHT to FAPE in LRE. That is free and appropriate public education in the least restrictive environment. If he needs sp ed, it is NOT based on his grades but on his overall needs. PERIOD.
Schools will tell you all sorts of lies and half truths. Some administrators believe them, as do some teachers. But the laws are the laws and you CAN fight them. The sp ed part of this board is a GOLDMINE of info and help, as are the archives. If you post over on that board the moderator and some others who are there a lot will give very specific advice. The wrightslaw website is also a goldmine and their forums are usually extremely helpful.
Get ALL the private evaluations put in writing. School evaluations often do NOT identify things because if they identify them then they have to treat them and it costs $$$ and requires them to remember that your son has rights and you won't let them use his handicaps against him. Also begin a Parent Report. The link in my signature will take you to the thread in the archive about Parent Reports. It is a report that you create that has ALL the info about him in one place. Don't share it all with school because they don't need it all and chances are you will end up regretting it for one or another reason. But they DO need his diagnosis, reports from dr, neuropsychologist, developmental pediatrician, Occupational Therapist (OT), PT, speech pathologist, audiologist, etc..... Yes, it is expensive and sometimes a PITA to get all of these done. It is also worth it. For example, a school Occupational Therapist (OT) will look ONLY at ways Occupational Therapist (OT) issues impact education. Private Occupational Therapist (OT) evaluation sees how it impacts his entire life, and gives a diagnosis based on that. I have very little faith in school evaluations because so many of us have had them say our kids were fine, were just choosing to misbehave but private evaluations then found profound problems that with-o treatment would result in no chance for school success at all.
YOU are part of the IEP meeting with as much say as any other member. There is no IEP meeting with-o you unless you choose to not be there (not likely). They must send you notice of the meeting, and I think it has to arrive 10 days before unless you waive notice to have a meeting sooner. You do NOT have to agree wth the IEP at the meeting. They may push you to sign, saying you can change it later. They may tell you that you have to sign before you leave. They are wrong. You DO have to sign a form that says you are at the meeting and looking at the records, but you can take the IEP home and think about it or discuss it with someone if you want. Learn your rights and don't let them push you or difficult child around.
This school may not be the best placement for him. I would not have watned my 6 yo in a class with 4 yos, personally. Too much difference in maturity, just too big a spectrum for the kids to be on. then the size difference is probably feeding perceptions of your son as a "bad" or "mean" kid. But he is the right age for kdg, and for most kids 4 just isn't ready. If a teacher had to try to handle kids from 4 to 6 yrs, well, it seems like a nightmare to me, from every perspective.
You CAN homeschool him. Google to find the laws on homeschooling for your state. Will it be better? I can't say. How much do you know about homeschooling? What is your work schedule like? Do you have someone to give you a break from him on a regular basis, or will you be with him 24/7? Can you afford to homeschool him? It isn't necessarily expensive, but you do have to have an income to run a household.
I have homeschooled 2 of my 3 kids at different times. Usually only one of them, and for different reasons. My daughter is homeschooling high school because we cannot get a grip on health problems. Wiz was homeschooled because the school staff/teachers drove him to try to kill himself. He went back to school after we moved, and then was in an amazing sp ed program for a year iwth the most awesome staff.
Why not go talk to the sp ed teachers at the schools in your area? Not just your home school because iwth an IEP you won't necessarily be stuck there. You will have OPTIONS. We never found private school to be a real option for our kids. Private schools do NOT have to follow IEPs. They may choose to do so, but you won't have the law to force them if they refuse. Maybe if you have the system Kiesta is in you will, but that is NOT most states.
Read some books on homeschooling if you are serious. I would still try to get an IEP because it can be grueling for mom and child to homeschool, esp if there are a lot of problems. Check out homeschool groups in your area - they can be an amazing help. Be sure to read Lost at School as it may help you find ways for your son to be successful at school.
I am not saying don't homeschool, but think about it and do some research. Also follow your instincts - the times I made the really BIG mistakes iwth my kids all happened when that little voice inside said one thing and I did another. Mommy instinct is there to make sure your child survives to adulthood - don't ignore it!
As for the depakote, chances are that it is NOT working. Dosage must be titrated up to a therpeutic level slowly, which can take weeks or months, and once at that level it takes six weeks for the drug to take full effect. Before the dose is high enough and has been in his system enough, you won't know if it will work. Some of the best medication explanations and advice I ever found were in The Bipolar Child by Papalous - and my child is not bipolar.
I hope this helps some! Schools are not right for every kid, and neither is homeschooling. The trick is to figure out what works for each child!
