Just another one of those days. I guess it shouldn't surprise me. I knew better than to get excited and think things could go better but I went and did it anyway. Hope is a 4 letter word!! Sometimes I wish difficult child would just pick a mood and keep it, even if it's a bad mood. Then I would know how to properly detach/brace myself, you know? If difficult child was always the beast I could find my own routine, could protect myself emotionally. What kills me is the back and forth, the feelings of elation that maybe this time the medications/behavior modifications will work. It's like several months of desperation hanging by a thread for better medications. and the usual 2 to 6 weeks it takes them to get to a therapeutic level. Then the wind is knocked out of your sail and you have to modify the medications. Okay, wait again. Then who knows. Maybe a few weeks of the child you remember having the one you miss and love so much. Then in a flash the darkness consumes them again but not before they bring you a little sunshine mockingly...only to leave you shredded in the wake of their change. Rinse, repeat. I keep being naive and thinking that we got somewhere. I keep falling prey to those moments of peace. I lose the frustration and regain the empathy, tenderness and maternal instincts instead of withdrawl, survival and self preservation instincts. I'm just so road weary and battle fatigued. I'm exhausted from having to micromanage every waking moment of difficult child's day. My 15 year old is harder to care for than a crabby 10 month old. I'm tired of being dumped on for doing my job. I'm actually a pretty cool and understanding Mom but get treated like I am something evil and scornful. I have feelings and needs too, don't I? I can't remember because all I ever dream about is running away from home on a vacation that I know will never come. Even if it did it would take me all of my vacation just to lick my wounds, forget about fun. Then within 5 minutes of being home zoom 100 m.p.h. back to stress-town. Why bother? I'm tired of the guilt. Guilt over wanting to place difficult child outside of the home. Guilt that if I give up that difficult child will never get well. Guilt that if I quit now I may be just one more Dr. visit from REAL success. Guilt that I failed difficult child in some way and that he may never be right again. Guilt over bad life choices I made that impacted difficult child's difficult childhood. Guilt from watching my almost toddler imprinting strongly on difficult child and knowing I may have to split the pair. Guilt that if difficult child stays he may permanently scar the baby's psyche. A poor innocent baby trapped in a hopelessly dysfunctional battleground. Guilt that husband is suffering from stress related health problems due to difficult child who is his stepchild. Guilt from wanting to be far from difficult child and being happy when he isn't home. Everyone can be at peace when he is not home. Guilt over missing him like crazy when he is gone. Danged if I do and danged if I don't. Danged either way. Just danged danged danged. Mostly I am just BURNT out to a crisp. I'm tired of feeling like an emotional hostage in my home under the wrath of an angry teen who hates me for doing my job. I am tired of the abusive emotional games and manipulation. Like this job is easy. Like I enjoy doing it. Like I wouldn't rather be doing anything else in the world besides being despised by one of the people I love most in the world. (and could never possibly please unless I literally dropped dead) My magic chore chart is working fine for chores but the leopard still has it's nasty, rude, self entitled, bully spots.