Echolette
Well-Known Member
We have a lot of themes on this forum that I can really embrace..detachment, self care, radical acceptance. My problem is with acceptance itself. Radical acceptance I understand to mean accepting my place in the world, the moment as it is. That works often for me, and I work to embrace it even more.
Sometimes we talk about acceptance in a different way. Child talks about accepting her difficult child as he really as, not judging, not expecting change. Recovering, as I understand her, says the same...acceptance, non-judging, is part of the key. Cedar says to make the message clear that we expect better of them...we raised them to be better than this...and I wobble in the land between.
difficult child is 20. He has lived, for the better part of 2 years, on the street. For the last few months he has been living under a bridge. He has a job as a bike food delivery guy, part time. He has lost his disability and his foodstamps through failure to follow up. He has lost his case worker, and lost touch with any therapists or psychiatrist. He uses the emergency room for health care, the train station for a bathroom, and charges his phone wherever he can. In the camp under the bridge (which looks like garbage dump) they have wired in electricity and have music, and a space heater (that is a disaster waiting to happen). He is hep C positive.
I try and mostly succeed not to criticize, judge, or ask questions. When he tells me that he has a goal of getting a shower every day, and that he visits various shelters to do that, I say 'good'. When he says he uses the toilets at the train station, I say "that is resourceful'. When he points out that he has had the same job for two months now, I say "thats great" (instead of...you call that a job????)
RIght now he is in the hospital being treated for an abscess. On Sunday he called to tell me he wanted to be admitted to a psychiatric ward for a few days, that he didn't feel good (he hasn't taken his medications in months..he is better but far from perfect when he does take them). Yestarday the ER folks tried to get him a psychiatric bed...today he says he doesn't want to go, wants to be outside.
Fine. His choice.
But Cedar...I raised him better than this. If I don't set expectations for him, who will?
I already knew he wouldn't stay. A new young woman (also homeless) on the scene was posting pictures of him in the ER and calling him lilbaby, and commenting on sleeping in his bed in the ER, and how they have a tv and she got to take a shower. He will want to be with her, not in the psychiatric ward.
When he called to yawm on the phone and tell me he is bored and he doesn't think he wants to stay after all...I said of course it is totally in your control, but on Sunday you told me you weren't feeling well and needed to be admitted. I said you should get care before you find yourself carrying an ax around lower Manhatten again, as happened two years ago (resulting in acute hospitalizaion at the much-storied Bellevue). He said (correctly) those aren't my only choices, mom. And I acknowledged that but also said...you have not taken action. You have told me of plans. You have told me for months you were going to start medications, but not actually done anything to make that happen.
And then I escalated to...I want to be clear that what you are doing is not OK. Living under a bridge is like being a troll. You offer nothing to society. It is morally and ethically wrong. It is your obligation to take care of yourself, to contribute, to have a roof over your head and to take the medications you need to think clearly. I raised you better than this.
He was annoyed.
I was agitated.
I don't feel better.
But at least I'm not engaging in a farce.
Where is the role of acceptance?
Can anyone talk this through with me?
Echo
Sometimes we talk about acceptance in a different way. Child talks about accepting her difficult child as he really as, not judging, not expecting change. Recovering, as I understand her, says the same...acceptance, non-judging, is part of the key. Cedar says to make the message clear that we expect better of them...we raised them to be better than this...and I wobble in the land between.
difficult child is 20. He has lived, for the better part of 2 years, on the street. For the last few months he has been living under a bridge. He has a job as a bike food delivery guy, part time. He has lost his disability and his foodstamps through failure to follow up. He has lost his case worker, and lost touch with any therapists or psychiatrist. He uses the emergency room for health care, the train station for a bathroom, and charges his phone wherever he can. In the camp under the bridge (which looks like garbage dump) they have wired in electricity and have music, and a space heater (that is a disaster waiting to happen). He is hep C positive.
I try and mostly succeed not to criticize, judge, or ask questions. When he tells me that he has a goal of getting a shower every day, and that he visits various shelters to do that, I say 'good'. When he says he uses the toilets at the train station, I say "that is resourceful'. When he points out that he has had the same job for two months now, I say "thats great" (instead of...you call that a job????)
RIght now he is in the hospital being treated for an abscess. On Sunday he called to tell me he wanted to be admitted to a psychiatric ward for a few days, that he didn't feel good (he hasn't taken his medications in months..he is better but far from perfect when he does take them). Yestarday the ER folks tried to get him a psychiatric bed...today he says he doesn't want to go, wants to be outside.
Fine. His choice.
But Cedar...I raised him better than this. If I don't set expectations for him, who will?
I already knew he wouldn't stay. A new young woman (also homeless) on the scene was posting pictures of him in the ER and calling him lilbaby, and commenting on sleeping in his bed in the ER, and how they have a tv and she got to take a shower. He will want to be with her, not in the psychiatric ward.
When he called to yawm on the phone and tell me he is bored and he doesn't think he wants to stay after all...I said of course it is totally in your control, but on Sunday you told me you weren't feeling well and needed to be admitted. I said you should get care before you find yourself carrying an ax around lower Manhatten again, as happened two years ago (resulting in acute hospitalizaion at the much-storied Bellevue). He said (correctly) those aren't my only choices, mom. And I acknowledged that but also said...you have not taken action. You have told me of plans. You have told me for months you were going to start medications, but not actually done anything to make that happen.
And then I escalated to...I want to be clear that what you are doing is not OK. Living under a bridge is like being a troll. You offer nothing to society. It is morally and ethically wrong. It is your obligation to take care of yourself, to contribute, to have a roof over your head and to take the medications you need to think clearly. I raised you better than this.
He was annoyed.
I was agitated.
I don't feel better.
But at least I'm not engaging in a farce.
Where is the role of acceptance?
Can anyone talk this through with me?
Echo