i'm having a hard time with-this child

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Jena, Dec 2, 2010.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member

    i gotta admit.

    beyond the not eating thing. she's super irritable because well she has no life. no friends. been contained for like 5 mos. now. so i get that.

    yet it's a fight all the time. i'm trying to do the smart thing and pick and chose my battles with-her yet that doesnt' always work.

    i have to sit down when i get a quiet minute and write up a rule thing just for me, what behavioral changes to make etc. a guideline. because i'm confused at different points in handling her as of late.

    she is going to be 12 in feb. yet she wets bed each night not intentionally and next day i have to stand there and argue with-her to takea shower or else she'll smell like pee. that to me should not be happening. yet she's sooo immature.

    than we have at night she can't sleep. we're working on solutions. yet if my door isnt' left open she gets anxiety ridden. literally her room is across from our's super small ranch house. so past 3 nites i've been closing it just to adjust her to your ok if i close my door kinda thing. yet she sits up all night long.

    she just is such a mess on so many levels. it's hard to even comprehend. we sit there talking, husband doesnt' feel it like i do let's face it hasnt' known her her entire life is the step dad he cares yet it's different.

    she's tried to reach out to two friends here, none are getting back to her. i talked to her new therapist about moving. giving her the chance to reinvent herself almost. she was pegged as the odd kid already here yet now with-being gone all these mos. i think honestly these kids will eat her alive and i do not think she will be able to function in that school again.

    i know i'm all over the map on this . reason for post i'm not sure. i just know besides getting her to eat alot has to change. i have to be stronger than i've been, draw my boundaries stronger for her own good and stop compensating for her mental illness. parenting with-guilt is bad or even just feeling bad for them.

    so, cart before horse i know that.gotta get her eating again, find medications or natural supplements that get her sleeping and stable yet than what?

    we cant' afford to buy. so if we rent we'r are the mercy of the owners. if we move into new neighborhood and she actually makes a friend what if the lease is up in 2 years and they wont' renew? see my point?

    it's a hard decision that i am pondering while going thru this.yet difficult child does state she doesnt' like this neighborhood always did to some extent. i get you can't run away from yourself. her problems will be her problems regardless where she goes. yet as she said she feels like she used up the area here. these kids here are rough, will indidate her with questions, probe her, etc. if she was ever to go back.

    any thoughts? also she's had alot of moves too. we left our hometown in queens to head to long island. than we were in a diff part of long island when husband and i met, we got engaged and moved in with him into this town. thing is it's the same everywhere for her.
  2. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    Yes, I did my worst parenting when I was parenting with guilt and/or feeling sorry for difficult child. I did the best parenting when I had firm boundaries and acted "tough." I am a soft person so this was really difficult for me, did not come naturally (unless I was feeling angry). I did feel a lot better about myself and more confident though when I acted like a strong parent. Just wanted to let you know I get it!

  3. Jena

    Jena New Member

    thanks!! I do appreciate it. I've done fairly well yet i know where i lack. What if any thoughts do you have regarding a move? sounds silly yet honestly i need thoughts from parents who "get it" just like you said and parent kids like ours. I'm on the fence right now. Just want to make sure I do what's best for her, husband and I did a pro's and con's list. clearly the pro's won out. Yet i want to teach her strength, resiliency, not run and flee. yet we arent' sure if this is a run and flee or just a highly thought out good choice due to the situation at hand.
  4. Josie

    Josie Active Member

    At this point, I don't think moving is the answer. She is homebound right now, so she won't know anyone in the new neighborhood to reach out to. If it has been a problem for her all along, moving to a different place would just be the same, and at a cost to you, husband, and easy child. When she goes back to school, there will be issues no matter where she goes, either as a new kid or as the kid who was out for a while. I mean that, not as a difficult child, but for anyone. (My older daughter's private school only went up to 8th Grade so she and all of her friends are new in different schools this year. They all seem to be sticking with their middle school friends and haven't found good friends at their new schools yet.)

    She may have a harder time making friends, but the friends she finds will be real friends that are understanding.

    My daughter is on her 4th year of homeschooling for medical reasons, so I have thought about her transition at times. She had friends before, but hasn't stayed in touch with them. Those girls have moved on with their lives. When she goes back, it won't be easy for her, either. Even though she had an easy enough time making friends before, she's been out of the loop for so long, it won't be the same.

    Just my thoughts based on my daughter's situation.
  5. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    I'm not sure if moving to a new town is the answer. If she is one of those kids that does not make friends easily that won't change simply by changing your address. It's just how she is. That does not make it easier, I'm sure.

    Have you talked about her getting stronger so that she can go back to school? Is that something that she wants, or does the thought of it fill her with even more anxiety? Are there any clubs in school that she might be interested in? Maybe the school will allow her to participate in them while she is recovering and learning from home.

  6. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    "But when he has done that, and between times, and when the moon gets up and night comes, he is the Cat that walks by himself, and all places are alike to him."
  7. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    I'm not sure about moving. It sounds to me like you don't really like where you are living so I can see moving for that reason. I wish I knew the right answer--I just don't know!

  8. Jena

    Jena New Member

    hi guys

    thanks i know confusing. i'm hoping once the therapist gets to know her and gets into her head a bit she can direct me better into what she thinks is the right thing to do.

    we'll c. all points made are valid. school, hmmm alot less anxiety for her with-o it to be honest. she craves friends yet school i'm not so sure. our block's bad too. it's an odd story we took this house because we had to to stay in the school district so difficult child could go to the middle school. which is funny because than she didn't wind up going anyway. we didnt' love the block, there were no kids her age here, it's a small house, yet it is on a col de sac and we wanted to do what was right for her.

    do i think home tutoring is way to go for her? yes i do academically. her anxiety level is almost non existant, she's thriving so far her brain's soaking it all up. its' amazing. clearly socially it isnt' the way to go though. i know that stability is key for her or any child. yet at the same time if a kid clearly hates where they live and has not really liked it for 4 years is it the right place to be? and yes her behaviors are the same everywhere. yet now 12 is here almost, it's time for her to find that friend she'll have thru her teen years. opportunity here for that now has dwindled down to not a whole lotta prospects out there. prior to her eating disorder we enrolled her in cheerleading. well guess what nasty girls from school were in it, and she faltered and walked off the field. gave up, anxiety thru roof. felt outta place.

    i'll give her credit she is a very smart girl and knows how to manuver i taught her to be social, que's she misses etc. so initially she tried hanging with the cooler bunch of kids in school. well that didnt' last long. they'd ask why dont you go in reg. door at school, than they found her pull up at a sleepover, needless to say she got super clingy and they stopped calling. she also didnt' like how mean they were to other kids. good for her i thought.

    than she tried thru kids she met in anxiety group in school past few years. yet those kids were too much the other way. one had asperger's and well played next to difficult child not with-her. so that friendship tanked. the other's were too anxiety ridden for her. where does the happy medium lie when you dont' have alot of options? it's hard to say.

    i feel very strongly she needs a clean shot at the life she wants. she's told me her hopes and dreams for now and the future. i have explained cart before horse scenario. yet i know what she wants to shoot for.

    a new neighborhood, on a new block that we would highly investigate to ensure kids lived on it (whether or not friendships would form, who knows; yet potential would be there), the opportunity to begin anew without kids knowing about her pull ups, or anxiety issues or lack of sleep. my thought was clean her up for once and for all, get her stable on either a medication or natural whatever works. i def. have my supports in place now like never before. than plop her in there and keep fingers crossed.

    see my thought process?? also if we did move we'd go closer to husband's job, less time on road for him, closer to the store, and more of a chance to have a family life because he'd be closer. easy child isnt' a concern because she'll have a car for college in september and her closest friend around corner is heading to college in summer.
  9. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I think if you move for her that you would be doing more of the exact thing you are saying you need to change. From previous threads (not that I've read all), it sounds like everything in this house is already revolving around her but so far, that hasn't made her better. I go back to what Dr. P said one day- when it gets to that point, remember that the whole family going down the tubes with the difficult child doesn't help stop the difficult child from going down the tubes- not that she necessarily will but the point is that sacraficing everyone so difficult child doesn't have to be a difficult child alone when it obviously isn't helping her doesn't make good sense. I understand how it's gotten to this point- look at the shambles my life was in for nearly 2 years. But did sacraficing everything in my life prevent my difficult child from continuing to be a difficult child? No. I don't think I could ever let things get to that point again- even if his leaned more toward health problems than typical difficult child trouble.
  10. Castle Queen

    Castle Queen Guest

    I am new here but have been following your threads about your difficult child. in my humble opinion the last thing you need in your family's life at the moment, is the stress of a move. I am speaking as someone who was forced to move to a smaller house in a different neighborhood this summer due to my divorce, but at the time I thought it would benefit my difficult child Knight as well since there were no kids in our old neighborhood. I *thought* I had done my homework scoping out the new neighborhood, kids around aplenty, etc but guess what? Knight's problems weren't left at the old place! and he hasn't made a friend in our new neighborhood- wherever you go, there you are.

    I think you are on the right track with the home tutoring aspect. How about a martial arts class for socialization? Something that might give her confidence and allow her to meet some peers. I don't know how big your town is, but one outside activity that she enjoys would give her something to look forward to each week. Maybe lessen her dependence on you just a tad. Thoughts, and will keep thinking.
  11. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Jena, I'd put moving at the bottom of my list; gives difficult child a bit too much power. She's very aware of the time, energy & emotional drain she's causing .... sometimes our little wonders thrive in that.

    Saying that, I cannot remember do you have any services in your county. I'm thinking a girls group supervised by a therapist or a couple of SWs. I don't mean a touchy feely talk group ~ I'm talking a group where activities are planned & carried out. A movie night, a night of putting together a basket for an adopted family in need. Doing hair & nails & just talking as young women will do but in a somewhat controlled setting. One week a night is planning the next months activities.

    I ask this because kt is in the same type of group & she's having a gas. The girls self monitor themselves & are learning social skills, reading cues & most of all how to make & keep a friend beyond the issues each of these girls have. They have fun & that's all. It's nothing about their diagnosis, illness or problems ~ it's about being young women together & having fun. The staff of this organization fight over who gets to work late Monday nights because of this group.

    The showering thing is a natural consequence. If your difficult child goes to school with-o showering her peers will let her know about it. It's a hard lesson however it may be the only way your difficult child will comply with showering in the morning. Is she washing her own sheets each morning & making her bed when she returns. Is she monitoring her liquid intake before bedtime. At difficult children age these are skills she can & should learn.

    Just throwing out some ideas for you. I've lived this times 2 with kt & wm. husband & I muddled through until we got help in the form of services in our home; at that point we were able to have a basic plan of safety. Now that things have settled a bit after here I'm seeing growth & use of life skills that it's taken years to teach. I've stepped back & let kt & wm muddle their way through basic life issues ~ I stepped in for the big stuff & will continue to do so when possible.

    Keep us updated on all this stuff. It will get better - really will.

  12. Jena

    Jena New Member

    thanks for taking the time and yes i remember your posts well you've been there done that.......... you dont' have a pink donkey yet your wisdom pourith over LOL. :)

    I agree with-you 100% as far as leaving them to their own devices for daily life functioning, and this is going to sound wrong so prepare yourself when she leaves the house smelling like pee umm ppl look @ me the Mom, you know the deal. it's grose but I do see your point. The hospital let it go for 5 days till i finally said ok i saw her and she smells. so they forced her in the shower. I think there's more at play here with-her sensory issues. She's getting an evaluation if we can swing it financially which i'm sure husband will find the money for, next week. She'll avoid showers, the water hitting her initially she doesnt' like it. she'll leave smelling like pee yet she'll fix her hair clothes etc. the dirty clothes i think maybe an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) thing. she likes to wear certain outfits that feel right to her. make sense??

    i've been at this since birth, yet i guess in some small way ive gained a few steps up on the ladder. the sleep thing well let me just say is herendous to say the least. she cannot self soothe since birth this kid. same as an infant, if i could tell you since she came out she's been this way. nothing but nothing works ever long term. medications, natural approaches, supplements, basic routines before bed. NOTHING. i am truly hoping this sensory evaluation sheds some light onto everything. that would be cool.

    something has been happening past 3 days i didnt' wanna say anything about it. because i also know everyone here is getting frustrated as am i with the eating disorder. yet i think it's time to share. i didnt' wanna jump the gun. going to do yet another post. hey, thanks for taking the time i do hope you and yours are well ((Hugs))