I'm home - barely

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Steely, Mar 4, 2008.

  1. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I left Oregon yesterday......with many tears...........most of which not expressed due to the external stress of travel, life, reality. I left, feeling as if I was leaving my sister behind. I guess in a way, I was.

    I waited for my delayed flight, starting to feel achey, flu-ish.

    Finally I got on the plane, 2 hours later, and was seated. The pilot came on the intercom, and the flight had been canceled due to a cracked windshield. (Seriously?)

    I got off the flight, feeling more flu-ish, and stood in line with 100 people, literally, trying to find a new flight.

    I found one - and was able to take off to Dallas. However, I felt close to wrapping a few aberrant toddlers in my arms ever so tightly :sheepish:

    I land, and it is snowing - like another Northern hemisphere kinda snow - not it is Dallas in March. Somehow in my flu-ish, grieving, disembodied state, I had missed the fact that Dallas was expecting snow. First time in 15 months. I thought, to myself, somewhat fondly, "I love snow". (I really did - until last night.)

    difficult child's Dad picks me up from the airport - because he had my car - because he had to take care of difficult child while I was gone - and because he is such a loser that he does not have a car. Don't even get me started.

    We get in the car - and it snows as if I am in the Antarctic. Remember - Dallas. We never have snow. I am literally blinded by the snow, cars are turned the wrong way on the freeway, I have a fever, I miss my sister, and I rip into bio-dad about everything under the sun...........as we are driving on snow encrusted, and ice covered bridges.

    The weather was so bad I ended up having to stay at his apt last night. Really............there are no words. Except I could now have emphezema from just one night in his smoke filled dwelling.

    I finally made it way home this morning. I stopped by my therapist, but the whole hour seemed surreal, distant - as if was simply rehearsing an episode of 48 hours instead of the death of my sister. The details really are soap opera worthy - but yet - they are my life. I am sick of talking about them.

    I just discovered difficult child had skipped taking all of his morning doses of medications while I was gone. Mistake, laziness, who knows - except he will be a flipping mess. Oddly, he also has the flu. How could we both get the flu, simultaneously, 2000 miles apart. We were both in Oregon for the memorial, but that was 4 days ago. Again, really.

    I am so stressed that I am scared how the repercussions will present themselves. I know myself, and stress always turns into depression, even with a therapist, and medications. And I know difficult child, and with-out his medications on track, and with this amount of stress, he always becomes manic.

    OMG - I pray, that by some miracle I am able to not sink into that deep, dark hole of despair - and that I am able to skirt around this grief, and difficult children drama, without it pulling me under. My sister was always the one I would call when I felt so down I did not know what else to do. Always, she was there. If she is not there, and I have no husband, or boyfriend - what happens? Where do I go? She was my compass - my map of internal fortitude.

    Thank you for listening, just like she would. I just cannot believe she is not here. Period. I just, still, cannot believe it.
  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    You're sister is still there. She'll always be with you, forever. If you want or need to talk to her, just talk. She's listening.

    I'm glad you made it home safely. Sorry you and difficult child have the flu. Hopefully once difficult child is back on his normal medication schedule he'll level out.

    And you know we're always here.

    Many warm ((((hugs))))
  3. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Dear Steel Magnolia,

    Sorry to hear you have the flu. I would have wrapped my arms around the toddlers and breathed my revenge - seriously I hate children on a plane. Like em on the ground - can't stand them on a plane - 5 and up and well behaved - okay. Other than that - I think there should be Sponge Bob flights for parents traveling with kids - and you know that altitude will make them cry. They cry - I cry - I think that Sponge Bob flights are right on - they could have Chuck E Cheese serve in flight menu, all organic drinks and snacks - in flight PG movies. Chickens running up and down the aisle - a toy room who knows.

    So you had the gift of snow when you got home huh? You KNOW it was a gift. Just for you. LIttle blessings and presents will find you from time to time to help with your depression. Just take them for what they are worth. Remember my sunsets? And it never snows in Dallas - but it does in Oregon? Yeah....you got a gift.

    So difficult child hasn't taken his medications huh? AND he has the flu. Well - not much you can do about that so don't. Just LETITGOOOOOOoooo.

    And your bioworm getting the 411 on what you think.....BRAVO - looser...I hate that you have to think so low/small about the things that they do like he picked you up from the airport in your car. I mean - argh. So I get ya - always settling to keep the peace. Maybe this is the time in your life you let everyone know what you think and then formulate a plan for WILLOW. Maybe this is the wake up call for you to change and move forward and do for you. Not that emphysema giving, hack of a turd. Oxygen should not be optional when spending the night. Really!

    I'm sending you huge hugs......did you know that BBK is now dating Bret Favre? Yup - I'll tell you all about it later. Witz is seeing Raoul. Abbey got a new job. Toto got a new puppy -clementine. Dude moved in with a foster family....JJJ is trying to get Kanga some help, Marg knows movie stars, David quit drinking, Jo is sending her easy child daughter a care package to NY- apparently she's got homesick, Daisy is trying to figure out if Nicole is preggers again, And just tons of other stuff here with the family - I know I have probably forgotten a ton of stuff from other board members - forgive me - I have missing brain disease. It's intermittent - and FYI do not listen to my Avatar - it shuts your computer down. =-really really.

  4. dreamer

    dreamer New Member

    Steely- incubation for flu does take a couple/few days......
    I do not know about other people, but I lost my best friend, and then my aunt who was my next best friend and my mom all withing a couple months of each other- left me with noone to talk to in person- so- I simply continued to talk to them anyway.......while I am in the car, when I am in the bath, when I cook..I just chatter away. I am sure they listen.

    I am sorry you had to deal with being sick AND with snow etc all right now.
    Please, sit down, have some nice fresh fruit.....or a nice glass of juice, (a big one or maybe a smoothie) and then take a nice bubble bath.
  5. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Snow in Dallas-wow-I bet that rarely happens. I'm sorry you have the flu-no fun and especially with what you have been through. You are in my daily prayers. Always remember we are here for you.
  6. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Hiya sweetie

    A cracked windshield? Seriously? What, did the luggage cart flip up a pebble?

    OK, seriously. I get how you are feeling. Everything feels like overload; like you are on the outside looking in. Like you are numb. It's normal. It takes time. It will not always be like this.

    Grief has 5 stages. Denial (I can't believe this really happened; you seem to be in it now), sadness (real, true pain; emotional and sometimes giving way to physical), anger (literally, "I can't believe she left me), bargaining (if only I had done this, maybe she'd have still been here) and acceptance (this is how it is, and I cannot change it).

    We all go need to go through all 5 stages in order to heal. Maybe not in that order. Some stages last more than others. It depends. I see my DEX as a very angry, vindictive person, and I know for a fact that he never dealt with the loss of his brother properly. His brother died 8 1/2 years ago, in an accident, at the age of 23, and DEX has not been the same since.

    Anyways, I use him as a comparison. I would hate for anyone to become like that. He has so much hurt in him, and it is because he is afraid of feeling. You know you have us to help you get through this.

    Love, hugs, and prayers.
  7. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    So glad you're back home. Talk to sis when it feels right. I'm sure she's listening.

  8. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm glad you're home and it sounds like you are doing all the right things. Give yourself time Occupational Therapist (OT) grieve and take one day at a time. Your sister is still with you, you can still talk to her, and I'm sure you know what she would tell you.

    We are here to listen and to support you.

  9. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?


    So glad to see you back. As others have said, your sis is there. And we are, too.

    I, too, beleive the snow was a gift. And I beleive you'll find more. My g'ma was my best friend, and one really horrible, awful, terrible day I had gone to the hobby store for some supplies for work - people were in the way, I had to walk down aisles that I didn't need in order to get where I was going cause these dumb slow people were in my way, and lo and behold in the center of the aisle I was forced to walk down was a quilling kit, something g'ma and I did when I was little and I had been searching the net for the tools and supplies to no avail. The date on the price sticker was 5 years prior. Someone had returned it that morning, and here it was lying in the middle of the aisle I was walking down while mad at the world... I don't think it was a coincidence at all. And I was reminded my beloved g'ma was right there with me.

    Bet you'll find sis is, too.

    Love and hugs.
  10. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    ...who do you think sent the snow to Dallas?...

    she's there...

    open yourself up to feeling her and you'll see her with all of the different ironies that show up over the next few weeks...

    she's there...

    allow yourself to grieve, we're with you. If you need to strike out, cry, laugh, we're here with you and we'll point out...

    she's there...

    trust in the relationship that the two of you had (have). She wouldn't abandon you...

    she's there.

    Thinking of you,

  11. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Oh yuck... well MY kids are wonderful on the plane!!! Didn't I tell you all about the last flight? Something happened... I don't know what it was was but they have been angels the last 2 flights!!! And I am not letting the board jinx me!!! NO WAY!
    BBK and Brett look so cute together by the way...

    Just send difficult child to what's his name if he starts acting up... Tell work you don't want to hear it either!!!
    It will get better. Don't let yourself sink to far... I am here... you can call me!!! I always have dumb stories... you should see the size of the piles of Moose poop in our front yard!!! HUGE! and the size of the hoof prints, like a sauce pan...
    There are more of those... lots!

    I am thinking of you...
  12. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Hang in there. You're not alone, she is there with you.

    You and difficult child probably shared the same bugs when you met up for the memorial. It doesn't take much, especially when you're as down as you are.

    All you can do from here is put one foot in front of the other. One after the other. And the next. Don't worry about anything more than that.

  13. DavidH

    DavidH Guest


    I just want to lend my arms for a Hug, I have never been there done that but have been following your last few weeks and I am so sorry.

    If I may tell you about a place that helps me I visit it often as I lost my G-Mom in 2000 and I have created a memorial for her. I do not think I can link the site here?? If you would like a place you can go to and just (what I call) "Be with my Grandma" online let me know via PM. I will give you the link to my g-ma so you see what I mean.

    I hope things begin to look up, remember lots of hugs..
  14. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    Wow, you certainly have so much on your plate right now. I really hope you feel better soon. The flu stinks! difficult children with the flu stink even worse. Hopefully, he'll understand that you are grieving and not be so gfgish. Kids seem to realize when you are just not in a good state sometimes and back off.

    Just keep checking in with us. Hopefully, with all the supports in place, you will not go into a deep depression. Get out in the sun, do exercise (even if it's a walk around the block), get plenty of rest and eat well. You will get through this.

    Hugs and prayers.
  15. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    Just sending more gentle (((hugs))) and strong prayers to you.

    I lost my mom in 2004, but I continue to have a relationship with her. It's just not a physical one. I still feel close to her emotionally. But oh, that physical ache, to hear her voice, to hold her. I would give anything for just 5 minutes with her. Sometimes that used to eat me alive.

    I'm sorry, Steely. You are not alone. It will get better. It will take time. I still feel the loss and sadness today, but I also feel the acceptance. My love for my mom is a shield against the hopelessness.

  16. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    {{{Steely}}} It's so hard, but like Marg said, right now it's okay to be on autopilot, just put one foot in front of the other, one day at a time. First things first, take care of that flu, be good to yourself and eat healthy so you gain some strength, lots of water to flush out the toxins. If difficult child gets to be too much, get biodad to take him for a bit.

    When the moment is right for you to 'speak' with your sister, do it, don't be ashamed or embarrassed - she will be there to listen to. As is everyone here, waiting with open arms to hold you and keep you warm, and support you. Continue to reach out in whatever ways you can. hugs~
  17. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Steely, all of the stressful things you mentioned - are not within your control. You will deal with them as you can, but meantime - find something each day to make you smile. Whether it is a memory of your sister or the sun shining - just find one thing. It helps, I swear!
  18. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    Sending many, many hugs.

  19. tammyjh

    tammyjh New Member

    I'm glad you made it home ok and am sending you more (((((hugs)))))
  20. Coookie

    Coookie Active Member

    Sending hugs and love from Minnesota. :( I have been in Dallas when it snows...what a mess.

    My heart hurts for you. :(

    We are here.