I'm sorry

[AmericanGirl]

I'm sorry I haven't been here to keep up and support all of you. It's just that everything is hitting me, the severity and scope, etc. and I have been fighting major depression. If I could live in my room in the dark, I would.

difficult child is in partial hospitalization and appears to be making good progress. He wants to go to a halfway house next. I doubt he will ever come back home.

I have realized (and difficult child has told me) the full extent of the problems and it knocked me to my knees. I'm having a hard time trusting anyone about anything. If he could have fooled me with all this for so long right under my nose, then....is anyone as they say they are? I get these mental images of times in my son's life and I am horrified.

At the same time, I am angry --- deeply angry -- at all the people and systems who knew a lot of this and chose not to get him help or tell me.

I have a history of people abandoning me and deceiving me. It runs decades...this is bringing up all of that as well. I don't feel safe anywhere and with almost anyone. I hate hate hate this is the result. I want to be naive again. But you cannot go back.

Thanks for listening. Please know that whether I am here or not....that I truly do care about all of you and your families.

 

[AnnieO]

You're one of us, you know. And like any family member, we have our ups and downs, sometimes we post more, sometimes less, sometimes it's all about us and sometimes we support each other.

So - hon - you do what you gotta do. Come back and check in when you can/feel like it/want to.

 

[Signorina]

I am so sorry to hear of your troubles and so very glad that you came back to let us know that you care and are trying to power thru. Please do try to stay in touch - no judgment here if you can't - but WE DO CARE. And I am so glad yo know you are OK and so sorry to learn you are hurting.

And I know that feeling of not being safe and being trod upon.

And I can only speak for myself - but I know how hard I worked (and I suspect you worked) at raising your son differently and more openly and to surround him with security and safety...and how much it's like a kick to the gut when it doesn't make a difference.

Love you AG, stay strong. XXOO

 

[PatriotsGirl]

Honey I know exactly how that feels. We have all been there... (((HUGS)))

 

[exhausted]

Oh AG I am so sorry and I understand. I was bowled over when I found out what my difficult child had gone through and what she had done. Killed me. Cried, wanted to send hit men out. Could not look at difficult child the same ever again. Heart break. This will ease. The anger is progress in this grieving. Take care of yourself, we care about you. Share when you can, we understand.(((Hugs)))


i




i

 

[Nancy]

AG you are not alone, we are all here for you and we understand. Most of us are completely blown away when we learn the extent of our difficult child's abuse. I too wondered how I could have been so blind, I always thought I knew everything that was going on. But our difficult child's are experts at lying and covering up and we do our best but we can't be expected to know what they work so hard at hiding from us. I became very bitter at those who enabled my difficult child, other difficult child's and most disturbing, other adults who contributed to her use. I was fighting a losing battle. So even when we do find out what's going on we get no help from anyone. Every adult out there who allows their teen to drink or use drugs under the guise that they did it too and turned out ok is a scumbag in my book.

If you need to go ito protective mode go ahead, we are here for you when you need us. Your difficult child is getting help and that is what matters right now.

Hugs,
Nancy

 

[Calamity Jane]

AG,
Take your time, and take care of yourself. difficult child is accepting help now, and I guess part of that process is to reveal the extent of the debauchery. I know it feels like he betrayed you, but he mostly betrayed himself. God willing, he will pull himself together, make amends, and move forward. You need to take care of you right now. You can always catch up with everyone here when you're good and ready. Stay strong.

 

[toughlovin]

AG - glad you posted and I hope you keep coming back. I know sometimes it is hard to even do that. I so understand.

I have found that maybe I just don't want to know all my difficult child has done.... I am probably better off not knowing!!!! He doesn't tell me and as much as that bothers me that he is so closed with me, it might be a good thing.

TL

 

[buddy]

HUGS, AG....glad you came back to check in. Sorry things are so dark for you right now. I hope he does well going to the sober living situation.

 

[susiestar]

(((((hugs)))))

I am so sorry that things are so rough right now. Regardless of what is going on, we are here for you. This forum will totally understand when you can't give for a while and even will keep you in our hearts and prayers if/when you need a break from us for a while. When the time is right for you to come back, we will be here. No recriminations, no judgements, just our love and support. So take time now to tend to your broken heart, and we won't abandon you. I promise.

 

[DDD]

Genuine caring support is always here for you. Alot of us understand what it is like to discover really dark things about our difficult child's. It just doesn't seem possible. Hugs. DDD

 

[Tiredof33]

I've been there too, please take care of yourself. I have also had a bunch of crappy men in my life in the past and it does cause trust issues.

I was so p***** that after I was the one working my a** off when his dad walked out that he could treat me that way. My trying to give him a better life than I had only entitled him.

This last stunt he pulled with girlie was the final straw for me. It hurt that he would conn me and it hurt that I fell for it AGAIN! But this time was the last. I will never go through that again.

Wishing you the best.

And on a funnier note - I always see the stressed women take the huge container of ice cream and a huge spoon to stuff their pain - I don't eat ice cream but suddenly got the urge and I was eating a half gallon in 2 days - I had to quit that lol!!! but in some weird way it did make me feel better?????

 

[InsaneCdn]

Tired? High stress plus lack of sleep = extreme carb cravings. When those hit? I put the spoon down and go find a pillow and a blanket. IF I can... and it works.

 

[AmericanGirl]

Thank you all so much for your understanding.

This is much an awful roller coaster ride to be on. While I am grateful difficult child has 60+ days of sobriety, he has far to go. Everyone keeps telling me how young he is (like I don't know how old he is....<eyeroll>)...their point being to steady myself for the long haul.

I thought he'd go to 28 days and then return here. Live at home a short while, go back to school, get a part-time job. Then, I hear he needs 8 weeks of partial hospitalzation. Okay, I arrange temporary housing and allow him (and the car) to live alone in a city. But, then he will return. Now, I hear sober living facility. I haven't asked how long cause I know there isn't an answer. He won't discuss when he thinks he might return to school. He talks about going to school there. Well, he gets free tuition here...not there. Am I expected to pay for a college degree there when one is free here simply because you cannot be here without drinking? He only has 3 months of work experience. He says he is getting a job. We'll see..

He is going to multiple meetings, for example, two on Monday after being in partial hospitalization until 3pm. It appears he has made a number of friends in the recovery community, some who have 10+ years of sobriety.

The last straw yesterday was seeing an old girlfriend of his online. She's barely 18. Arrested for running a meth lab.

I've decided substance abuse is...by far...the biggest issue our country is facing.

 

[Calamity Jane]

AG,
Everything I'm hearing about maintaining sobriety, esp. in the early stages, is that you just don't come home to people, locations or emotions that trigger relapses, no matter how strong you may think you are. As far as school is concerned, if he comes home to go to school and then relapses, he won't be able to handle school anyway. He has a lot of decisions coming up, and will probably seek counselors' suggestions. I'm sure he could get a loan or just take a few classes at a community college and work while in school. The great thing is he's going to lots of meetings and making sober friends - so he's trying so hard, he must want to get well. He's sober but fragile, so you are fragile, too. Take care of yourself as best as you can in the meantime.

 

[AmericanGirl]

Calamity Jane, thank you for your post. It really helps me see it differently. Sobriety is critical...everything else is just details. I get it.

Just miss him. I finally found the son I lost. The other one is gone...thank God. Just miss him.

Thank you again. Your words really help.

 

[Calamity Jane]

AG,
Don't thank me...thank Dr. Phil! What I wrote is almost word-for-word what he said on last week's episode regarding a girl named Alexandra and her family. Alexandra (24 y/o) had been in rehab in Texas for 5 months, and her mom was sort of encouraging her to come back to her hometown in FL for sober living and to gradually parent her 3 young kids. Dr. Phil said that was a bad idea, because there were so many triggers in her hometown, he didn't think she should go back soon, if ever (cue the dramatic music and shocked faces)! She will have to build a sober life with sober mentors in an entirely different state, and have coordinated visits with her kids in the meantime.
I'm glad if those words helped, but I can't take the credit. Stay strong.