I'm still learning to disconnect

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by sweetmama714, Sep 20, 2014.

  1. PennyFromTheBlock

    PennyFromTheBlock Active Member

    So. I have not laid my eyes on difficult child in a month. We mainly communicate via text message (him texting me)

    I need help here- I need to learn to STOP engaging with this boy. I need to learn that when he says ignorant stuff, that nothing I respond back with is going to change how he perceives things.

    so to recap- I got the house key from him a week and a half ago so that the house can be listed.

    So, this is our exchange on Wednesday:

    Him: so do I get my key back?
    Me: For what? No need for a key to the house
    Him: um, becuz that's my texas tech key
    Him: and who said I got all my stuff?
    Me: Ok, you want a key to that house, that we don't live in?
    Him: doesn't matter it's my tech key
    Me: I didn't see any stuff there of yours. I told you to get all your stuff
    Him: my big bag and my tv stand is in there
    Me: That faded tech key is unnecessary to you. Whatever you have I will put on front porch.
    Him: doesn't matter what you think about how it looks, that's still my key
    Me: Once I change the locks I will give you the key for a memento. You don't live there. You have no need to be there.
    Him: doesn't matter all I want is my key, all the rest is irrelevant to me.

    I quit responding after that. I shouldn't have responded at all.

    Yesterday:

    Him: could I possibly make some money?
    Him: like 30 bucks just to pay for my way to stay somewhere i can work it off or something

    I never responded.

    Just now:

    Him: so can I not make or earn some money? or your not talking to me or what?

    Me: 1) there isn't anything you can do to "earn" money from me 2) I have no money, and 3) I told you not to ask me for money anymore

    Him: so you expect me to be able to live somewhere with no help? bet. you and your daughter aint really even gotta *(^& with me if thats the case, I mean yall don't anyway so I guess yall finally got what yall wanted which was for me to move around and not even come around yall or talk to yall or anything but thats a bet. I guess i have no mom or dad, and obviously nobody to turn to when I need help. Appreciate everything you've done for me I guess since I've $%^&ed up I no longer have a family seems like it

    Me: If you need money get a job. I've done more for you than I should have only for you to lie and steal. These are consequences to choices YOU made. Have a nice day.

    Him: trying to, and bet. ur not considered my mother anymore, really just the person who gave birth to me. guess I'm screwed on both sides of the family- don't have grandparents, barely have parents and no siblings. why even make the mistake of having me in the first place? with an idiot at that? you couldn't you have had me with somebody worth something?

    Me: You make the choice on how you choose to live. Regardless of a deadbeat, you were raised to know right from wrong. More often than not, you have chosen wrong. That's on you. You have run off everyone based on YOUR actions. Again, have a nice day.

    Him: Bet. If something ever happens to me don't act like my mother than.


    He makes me crazy. Logically, I want to shake him and ask him if he truly believes doing this all by myself all these years was FUN and I did that on PURPOSE? Yes, what every little girl plans when she grows up.

    And notice, which also makes me crazy, his refusal to acknowledge that this is all due to HIM.

    Nevermind that on facebook, he posts about smoking personals (evidently when you smoke weed alone) and out and about with his girlfriend.

    All these tactics used to work. They no longer do. I'm actually ok- just angry.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi. I am sorry he is still GFGing you :) What I mean by that is, he is doing what most of them do...trying a mixture of guilt and abuse to get us to do what they want. In this case, he wants money. Who knows why? To make us feel really down and dirty, they do say things like we aren't their mother anymore, having complete amnesia over what we have done for them. I don't really think it's amnesia though. I think they remember clearly what we did and are furious that we have stopped so they say whatever they can to trigger guilt in us so that we will give up an d do what they want. It's about control, in my opinion.

    You may want to try just not read his texts or FB for now. You know he is trying to get money and you also know that contact with him won't be pleasant right at this point and that it is not even rational. Why does he need a key that he can't use to a house he doesn't live in? Well, obviously to get into that house and use it, although he won't own up to it.

    It takes us all a while to get fed up, but it is freeing once we understand that we are not helping our adult children by taking care of them when they continuously make antisocial and criminal decisions, and that they need to learn for themselves that their lifestyles make them unhappy and, yes, even chase loved ones away. They aren't very fun to be around. Even though we love them, we may not LIKE them very much.

    I think you did great :) I hope you find peace this weekend. Don't take what difficult child says too personally. difficult children are control freaks and he is only trying to get you to say "how high" when he tells you to jump. Most of them are that way.
     
  3. MyHeartHisLife

    MyHeartHisLife New Member

    I feel your pain. Facebook was always a source of anxiety for me because everyone in the family sees it. Of course, he didn't care. At least in text, only I read it however.... his phone got stolen (or sold!)so we shut it off. Although I worried about him, it was a huge relief...until he started calling from pay phones! You can block his number, even temporarily and he would just think you are not responding. We blocked difficult child number from PCs phones so they wouldn't have to be subject to his begging or guilt trips. No one ever knew and we will never tell them. difficult child used to bug easy child to death for rides and money when he lived with us so we didn't want that happening when he was out on the street.
     
  4. PennyFromTheBlock

    PennyFromTheBlock Active Member

    Thankfully, I'm not able to see his FB- he has both myself and easy child blocked. easy child has a friend who will check his page occasionally then report that information to easy child (who asks for the info) who then tells me. I think for us, it's about knowing he's out there somewhere and seems ok. I guess what's frustrating to me si the fact that the life he's leading on FB is far different then the life he's trying to portray to me (oh, if I don't get any money, I won't have anywhere to live) when that is obviously a lie. At any rate, I'm glad he has me blocked- because I wouldn't be able to trust that I wouldn't check it all the time.
     
  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I dont know about you but if I was homeless, the last thing I would be doing is posting on FB! Oh, I guess that is unless someone gave me one of those new cars with the wifi built in. Then I could have my computer all hooked up. But then again...with the price of those cars wouldnt it behoove me to sell such a car and get myself a place to stay and then find a lower priced car? Hmmm...I must not be thinking like a difficult child.
     
  6. Bennieb

    Bennieb New Member

    Sweetmama, I am in the same boat as you!!
    At this very moment, I'm trying to figure out how to deal with my difficult child who is begging for $, that he supposedly needs to get to and from work.
    I have told him that I do not have any money to give him, as I have easy child's 15th birthday next week, and am paying for other easy child's college tuition (not that I have to justify where and how I spend my hard earned money)
    He told us some BS story that he had a place to move to, so, we went up to his grandparents house yesterday, disassembled his whole room and moved everything out to the garage and then surprisingly, he couldn't get ahold of his buddy that was supposed to come pick up his stuff and move it for him, so it's just a non stop barrage of lies.
    He's been out of the house for about 2 weeks now, and in that time, I have given him $100, because he said he could only stay with his buddy if he had food.
    Well, he showed up at my door asking for more money, stoned out of his tree.
    So that was enough for me to not feel bad about not giving him money, but the calls and texts are relentless!
    And my biggest fear is that he will show up at my house at night, when he knows that his father is at work, and I am on my own with my easy child's.
    It just feels so flippin hopeless!!
     
  7. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Bennieb I can't remember how old your son is, but the behavior you describe is all-difficult child.

    Over time, my son has finally stopped the relentless calling and texting and barrage of neediness.

    Over time, I have finally stopped my relentless trying to fix, manage and control.

    It takes a long time to change. And a lot of hard work. And it starts with baby steps, letting the calls go to voice mail and not responding for at least 24 hours, not answering the texts no matter how many and how much they ramp up. It is very hard.

    We're here for you. You're on the right track in your readiness to detach and have a better life. Hang in there.


    Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
     
  8. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sweet mama, talking with most difficult child's immediately sends us into the world of crazies because the conversations are not what we are used to, they are riddled with circular manipulations which are intended to get us off guard so that they can utilize our feelings for them against us. It's difficult to get that through our own heads because we don't think like that and of course,we love them and want to believe them.

    The best advice I can give you is to limit your contact with him and when you do have contact, learn to recognize how these circular manipulations begin and when you feel that, get off the phone or stop texting. We have to retrain them out of believing these manipulations work by not falling for them and setting strict boundaries around the behavior. Do not respond for a time period. They are looking for instant gratification, which most of us have given them in the past, so if you stop that immediate response, they will ultimately learn to stop harassing us.

    It's work like COM says, it takes time to stop the pattern we've set with them........it takes commitment and it's tough. But it can be done.

    Don't look for logic, you won't find it. Don't look for owning their part in it, you won't get it. We have to let go of the usual expectations we have because they not only will not get met, the mere expectation will make us crazy. Don't look for gratitude for what you did either, what you will likely get is how come you didn't do more.

    You and I are in worlds that are alien to us, we don't know how to live in these worlds, nor what the rules are and that keeps us at a constant disadvantage. So, you have to learn to limit your contact and as someone once told me, "don't engage with crazy people, or you too will become crazy." Since I grew up with a lot of mental illness in my family and have been surrounded by it for much of my life, I considered that sound advice.
     
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