Good Morning and welcome Nella,
I must tell you that, while I don't have a mental illness, I did feel some of the same guilt and disappointment. You are early in this game of raising a difficult child. I absolutley promise you that an acceptance of his diagnosis and treatment and a realization of his strengths and joys will be there.
Let's get off the medical side of this dicussion for a molment. I could ask you who diagnosis'd your son with odd, or what you've tried, or what you've noticed, etc., etc.
But is sounds like it's your heart that feels the pressure right now and I will share a personal history with you.
When my son began having "real" issues (I say real meaning not just some of his adhd stuff but some real dark stuff) I was at first shocked and saddened. It didn't stop me for pursuing the help I believed he needed. But in the quiet molments, the times I layed in bed at night I cried. I cried for the lost dream of soccor trophies, acadeic acolades, theatre camp, baseball games, birthday parties, sleep overs with buddies, and on and on.
The things I knew my son would not have. When I went to my easy child's school to pick her up (about an hour before my difficult child got out of school) I would look with longing at the little boys happily running out of school with their friends - wishing that were my son.
But then I came back to myself. I accepted my son for who he was. Life is what it is. Acceptance is the only way to move forward.
I took the joy in the small things. His laughter with his sister or a tv program (his laughter was few and far between in the dark time), on the mornings he ran out of the car and called "loved you mom", my heart burst with pride. I saw his joy when jumping over a wave or running in the yard with the dog. Coming home with a note from one of his teachers about what a great day he had or his smile when he brought home and art project for me were all the things I found joy in.
I realized my son is who is was and it was my responsibility to give him the best chance I could. Docs, medications, therapies, meeting with teachers, IEPs, and on. Folks who allowed themselves to see my son knew how great he was, what a kind heart he had, how smart he was.
That's all that mattered. That I did my best to give him a chance and celebrated the joy he found in life.
Things are much, much, much better now (5.5 years later).
I tell you all this so that you know it's kinda like the death of a loved one for some of us. The process of grief is different for everyone.
Acceptance of the loss of a dream is that way as well. Guilt needs to be shoved away forever. It will get you nowhere fast. It will block the path you and your son need to move forward.
Forget the dreams of the perfect child - they don't exist. Ask any of us that have both difficult children and pcs. The line is very grey sometimes. Who the heck wants perfection anyway? I will take my son's wierd sense of humor, quirky personality, genuine smile, honest friendship, unabashed love for family any day.
I could not conceive my life without my son. He's a challenge - he's a handful - he can exasperate and frustrate, he can cause a casual situation to become stressful in no time at all. It takes more time, more thought, more energy, more everything to parent this son of mine.
But life is what it is. What is done is done.
Today is a new day for both you and your son. You have found a place here of great support. You will become stronger for having been given this challenge in your life.
Your son is very young. You are fortunate that you have begun the diagnosis process now. Early intervention is really important. Research, research, research. Things have changed since you were a young child struggling with your issues. Docs know more about childhood mental illness than they did even 6 or 7 years ago. New medications have provided help for thousands of young children. New therapy interventions are being used. Schools are becomming more aware of the mods and accoms needed to provide equal and fair education to all children.
Hang in there.
Sharon