Thoughts: I am awake at 4am, my normal time to get up before I nap before work...haha...for maybe an hour. I"m making fresh Starbucks Blonde coffee, my favorite. And I am contemplating. Cedar, Copa you are both so smart. I would really appreciate it if you could give me feedback, if you have any. Anyone can. Maybe nobody can. But I feel a need to post my thoughts because I'm on the cusp of moving on, yet I'm being held back and I want to get rid of the last string of attachment so I can really, really be free of my past and embrace the present. My latest family of origin experience has made me contemplate...how long does this need to go on? This is not a bad post about my sister. I just need to mention that she was told by her forum she was suspended for trying to hurt me and that, on another site, apparently I am trying to hurt her and that this is not compatible for healing. They suspended her account. Of course, unlike here, there is nothing else to talk about...no helping people with difficult children or joking on a Watercooler so her site is strictly where people talk about their person they believe is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) (or maybe just want to hurt). But I don't want to assume that is her only motive, even if it is. Since others have noticed it, I have had a lack of desire to hurt HER, even if I am doing it to heal myself and to explain my feelings and experiences that involve her. I don't believe she is still reading this, but I don't know for sure. I want to put a stop to my part in this, if she is reading this. I think I have spent enough time talking about how my family has hurt me...my mother (who is dead so is not exempt from more), my brother and my sister. They will think what they think and do not understand my very real challenges and have decided to call them borderline. If only it were that simple. There is help for borderline, you can work in a high level job with borderline; there is therapy for that...my issues are so different and far more complicated from that. It is pointless to argue apples and oranges. And these days I am content and happy and learning to meditate and smell the roses and let go. I have a shirt that reads "Keep Calm and Walk the Dog." Today, after finding out she was suspended, I did just that and thought a lot about why I would fuel her angst, if indeed I have that power. I don't want to have that power. Maybe she does read. Maybe I do hurt her because maybe she hates me but she loves me too. I understand those mixed up feelings. I don't understand her anymore than she understands me. I don't understand my brother and how he can overlook some things and fixate on others. I don't understand my entire FOO. My sister thinks I targeted my mother when she was alive. For abuse. I actually had little to do with her and feel strongly that incidents like t he $5000 were her abusing me and, if I had t he stomach, would perhaps ask for one incident when I abused my mother. No incidents are ever cited. In this I am certain. She was the abuser. And I did not abuse her. We had verbal fights, but she was never hurt by me physically, financially or in any significant way. Maybe her feelings were hurt after a fight, but so were mine. Checkmate. I can't think of one time I ever abused her and my memories of her after my late 30's are almost non-existent except for the $5000 and my calls to her, which were not met with happiness (but they were not mean calls by any means. We did not fight.) She just never called me back or acknowledged my children. Then she died. She has been dead ten years. It's time to let her go and I've been doing that. I don't want to still keep her memory burning within me because our relationship was not good. These postings really helped me kind of let go of her. I got it all out of my system. It is done. I am not the only person on earth who had a mother who didn't love her and I wish to perhaps have a second symbolic funeral for her since I was not much in the present during the first one. I was not mourning her. I was feeling sorry for the people who truly mourned her and giving hugs. I was not focused on her demise because, in my life, although I tried to call and talk to her, she wasn't present there and neither was I. She had really died in my life long before she died. I think that when I have this symbolic funeral, I need to include my entire FOO on my mother's side and I consider my siblings on her side of the family. Everything has been said. I am now old enough that nobody can hurt me anymore unless I let them back into my life and that won't happen. Either on their part or on my part or on both parts, hey will never be back. I need no contact...forever. It's sad, but nothing can change that. I am trying to think of a ceremony I can have that is not degrading to them or to me...or hateful. Just a "good-bye. I know you're gone." I want to do it alone, in nature, maybe by water. I want to have words to say to those who are "deceased" in my life. I'm ok with crying a little. Nobody will be there. I need to find the perfect place. Maybe I will ask husband to go with me, but I'm thinking that he did not know them. I have been married now for twenty years and he barely knows them...that is at least how long they have been out of my life, except for my sister's on again/off again and he doesn't know her either. So I need a perfect, sunny day in a perfect place with perhaps a bench and many trees and water. It has to be healing. I have to be done. I want to let go of the emotional triggers and just let me be me and do what I do best...help people. I will certainly stay on this forum to help other hurting mothers, as so many helped me. I know the reason I am here. I have a clear picture of w hat my real challenges are and they can't be summed up in one word, but they have made me a far more feeling, emotional and compassionate person t han Iwould have been if I had not had them. So I want to thank them for making me a better person. I can combine this into one ceremony. Cedar, you have been here from the first. I would love to read your input. There is nothing you don't know about me between this and our private talks. I want to purge any remaining dislike out of me and turn it into compassion for those who were unkind to me because they truly, truly never understood and without their understanding, they don't know who I am; why I am. It is not anyone's fault except you were willing to listen and believe what I've been told and they were not. Because there will never be acknowledgement there, I would rather say a kind good-bye rather than feel frustrated that they do not understand...and then move on. If I have any further issues I'd prefer to do it in private, if that is ok. I can still give feedback!!! Trust me, I started my journey long ago so I've walked this path for a long time. It is starting to all come together now. Cedar, when you have the time, either here or in PM, I would so greatly appreciate your exceptional wisdom on my ideas and where you feel a ceremony could take place or if you even feel a ceremony will lay the demons to rest. Copa, I value your opinion too. You came here later, but you know enough to give good feedback so I welcome your feedback too. Insane? I always love your feedback..lol. Confused, are you still around? You are all so dear to me. I have learned to accept myself and to reject the opinions of unknowing others by being here with all of you. My kids have grown since I came here. Sonic was nine or so. I came here first becaue he had a wrongful bipolar diagnosis. My wonderful family has grown up under this site's tender loving care. I will have to add a heartfelt thank you to this forum during my ceremony...and all my mentors. Again, I am NOT leaving. I am simply trying to bury my demons, but I am right here for anyone who wants to talk on any of these forums. I would like to put an ending to this part of my life, late though it is in coming, to the ability that I can. To end on a happy note, tomorrow I'm taking off work, as is my awesome husband, and we are driving down to see Buddha Baby and Princess and nothing makes me fill with joy more than seeing the next generation in my arms; my beautiful daughter's little one who looks so like her and is such a happy little girl. My heart soars to see her father and mother w ith her. I watched them both grow up. It is most amazing to me to see how her father loves on her...I am a big believer that having a loving father, a daddy's girl, is so impportant for a little girl and she loves her daddy. I have seen my daughters once contentious relationship with SO grow and bloom these past years and am so happy that SO has a job t hat allows Princess to stay home with her little munchkin. That little girl will never know a daycare.To me, that is a good thhing. She is so sure she is loved. So eager to smile at strangers. So sure s he will be treated well. None of us had that. Even as a little girl, I was shy and expected to be knocked down by my little peers. My BB will not feel she has no backup. Even if she gets teased, and I don't think she has that sort of personality, she will always know her daddy and mommy and grandpa and grandmothers love her. That is such a gift. Unconditional love. Breathe in those words. Many people don't have it. It is a gift from God.