In the end it is still.....

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by timer lady, Jun 27, 2007.

  1. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    mom's fault.

    wm has been acting up all over the place; everyone is frustrated to the core with him.

    I rec'd 2 phone calls regarding young master wm this morning. I wasn't visiting enough; I canceled a therapist appointment; wm needs to know that I care & love him.

    This because there are 2 in home therapists working with him & they still cannot control him. Foster mum is angry beyond belief; day treatment has had it with him whining that kt is home & he isn't.

    After a 45 minute lecture from one in home therapist I cut him off; asked him if I needed to visit wm daily - did he expect that to change wm's choices? What if I said something or made demands that wm didn't agree with - was I supposed to back off on visits?

    It seems to me everyone is frustrated & now the decision is that wm needs to work on acceptance. What if that doesn't work? What next?

    In the meantime, I rec'd a call from day treatment regarding kt; she feels that she's not allowed to see wm enough - can I arrange a visit? Ahh, no. Neither is stable enough with-o a great deal of planning & therapist's able to attend.

    This is beyond my realm today. I'm tired, spent the morning on & off in tears for whatever reason. Whatever I decide to do it isn't going to be acceptable for one therapist or the other.

    I'm running away for the rest of the day - the phones are off & staying that way.
     
  2. mum2JK&TH

    mum2JK&TH New Member

    I am always at a loss for words with all that you go through. I cannot imagine what life must be like for you and the fact that kt and wm will never understand what a blessing you are to their lives.

    You always seem to know what is best for both your kids so you need to follow your instincts and the docs need to get on the same page for both kids.

    I'm so sorry I'm not much help but I can offer (((HUGS))).
     
  3. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    Linda, what a frustrating time for you right now. It must be so difficult to not know how ANYONE is going to behave at any given time. Ya like to think at least the therapists are your rocks. HA!
     
  4. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    I get so sick of people who do not understand and use compassion. you do not need blame you need help and encouragement.
     
  5. guest3

    guest3 Guest

    <<<<HUGS>>>>
     
  6. On_Call

    On_Call New Member

    Gosh, Linda - I really have no words of wisdom - just sending additional {{{hugs}}} your way.

    Sorry that kt and wm's respective staffs don't "get" it.
     
  7. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Yes, it is... even when it isn't. Sending you a massively huge and gentle hug my friend.

    You have been at this far too long to put up with- a 45-min lecture. therapist has lost his/her mind. There's a limit to what a visit will accomplish, the message it will convey to wm (or that he will be able to interpret), the therapeutic use, or even it's effectiveness, really, at keeping the family "united". I know that of course you and husband are going to continue to visit, will continue to be a constant, but... it cannot replace in wm's mind living at home and it will never be enough. As in your other post, with you and husband struggling on how to not *have* to be Disneyland parents during visits... there are some very real and very difficult obstacles to even touching a sense of normalcy with a visit when your kid doesn't live at home, hasn't for a while, and won't for who knows how long. Visits are *not* going to change his blame game nor will it realistically change his behavior. You know this. therapist *should*. It's all smoke and mirrors and deflection and misdirection. Wm will change if and when he's ready to, and not a second before. therapist is doing a huge misservice to wm (to say nothing of you and husband) by buying into this crock. In my very strongly opinionated opinion.

    Wm needs to work on acceptance? I don't know... you'd have thought he'd have figured it out by now. How many times have you all discussed that his behavior dictates his placement, his quality of life, yada yada yada? Again just my opinion, what Wm *really* needs to work on is accountability and responsibility for his choices. Acceptance is fluid because the situation has the potential to change in terms of placement, according to Wm's choices. At some point, the adults in his life, besides you and husband, need to buck up and get tough with- him. He's whining at day treatment because day treatment is permitting it. It's time for people to start asking him what *he* is going to do to improve his lot in life. He is not powerless in this; in fact, he has a *huge* amount of power.

    Ditto for kt and her desires for a visit, though with- a gentler hand. The last visit, if I recall correctly, triggered a pretty impressive episode for her. She needs to get stronger and healthier.

    I'm so sorry, Linda, this stuff is getting dumped at your and husband's feet. Perhaps it's something along the lines of the kids aren't responding, so let's hit the parents because they will. Not intentionally or consciously, but... path of lesser resistence?

    I hope you're eating sinful amounts of ice cream with- all kinds of topping, having finished 18 holes and several concertos. Again, many gentle hugs to you.
     
  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Dang Sue...how did you get to be so smart?

    Linda, Sue is so right. She nailed it. I can only send you supportive hugs. Listen to Sue. LOL.
     
  9. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ditto with the addition of an extra hug and instructions to keep the phone off a while longer. Sorry your judgement regarding the tweedles continues to be questioned.

    Sharon
     
  10. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Just many hugs!
     
  11. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Linda,
    Wow-no way do you deserve that lecture from the t-docs. I'm sorry for your tears today. I'm glad you turned off the phones. Like Sue said, I hope you are eating huge amounts of ice cream. Of course, for me it would have to be hot buttered (real butter not fake) popcorn! Gentle hugs to you my friend. :angel:
     
  12. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member

    Linda,

    As Janet said, listen to Sue!!! Unfortunately, I don't have any great advice to add. I just want you to know I'm thinking about you and hoping tomorrow will be a better day...

    Sending lots of cyber hugs and a cyber shoulder to lean on... :flower: WFEN
     
  13. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Thanks for the cyber shoulder. I agree 100% with Sue. In fact, the last 2 staffings for wm I've brought up the reality - wm needs to start "investing" in himself. All the blood, sweat & tears in the world aren't going to change squat if wm sits back & waits for someone else to fix his ills.

    My frustration was that I was being lectured - wm wouldn't change maybe I would jump. It would be something to write in the quarterly report.

    I'm taking my therapist's suggestions & writing up the hx of life in wonderland with tweedles dee & dum from a mother's prospective. Including decisions made because of dangerous, sick behaviors not because we love one child more than the other.

    The reality is that kt functions much better (not saying much) in this setting. I'll not split this family any further to play into wm's idea of fairness.

    Ooops - another rant. Sorry.

    Thanks again.
     
  14. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Linda

    therapist should've known better.

    (((hugs)))
     
  15. TrishaBC

    TrishaBC New Member

    More hugs for you!
     
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