Just Got Here
New Member
Hi, my name is Denise and I'm not a parent, but I think my family definitely has a conduct disorder I basically just need a place to vent and let it all out, as for the most part everything that happens stays in between us. So if you don't mind reading a mini-novel, I'd love to explain a little...
The reason I'm posting here is because of my Mom (50s) and Sister (21). Here's a little bit about them: Mom is very caring, expressing it in little things like doing you favors, thinking of something you forgot for you, taking some of your chores if you're really busy with finals, etc. She's been a stay-at-home mom for the past 25 years and isn't a social butterfly, so we're basically her only company. She can worry too much about things, and can feel that reminding someone of something is a sign of caring for them. She is not very expressive with her feelings, and partly to go a long with that neither our we.
Sister is a very smart and curious person who dreams big but has a hard time getting started. She was home schooled and is now going to college, learning to drive, and looking for a job this summer so she can save up to get an apartment. She can do it, but the drive to do it is the hardest part. She self-diagnosed herself as having aspergers, possible adhd (worse when she was young), depressive tendencies, and asexual or at least demi. She can be very vocal and loud, and is the opposite of meek and mild She can be very critical and has to work hard on thinking positively of others. She also has a really hard time expressing her feelings, doing it better through writing, but she's embarrassed to have it read.
While both are fine when you get to know them on their own, when combined, aka living together in one small house, their relationship is best explained as a big bowl of soured milk. One left out for several years. By my reckoning their not getting along has been happening for at least 5-6 years.
Their personalities do not mesh well, at all, and we're basically lucky if they somehow make it through one day without a yelling match, normally with Sis doing the yelling, but Mom can eventually get worked up enough to yell too. Sis takes it as an insult when she's reminded of something, calls reminders 'Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) nagging', or 'trying to get a rise out of her'. Mom doesn't understand why she can't say anything 'without getting her head bitten off', and has said Sis can be like 'a rabid dog that you don't know if it will suddenly attack'. Things get worse when Sis is rude (saying anything while yelling sounds rude in my opinion) and Mom tells her she 'should be more respectful', then it just escalates from there until Sis slams the door to her room to get away and the yelling match continues through the door.
We've gotten to the point where Sis, when told she wasn't being nice, says "I have no reason to be nice". She scoffs at the thought Mom cares about her, and doesn't believe if Mom says she wants things to be different. She sees the conflict resolution being this: She moves away, calls occasionally to tell the news, and has no real relationship for the rest of Mom's life. Mom wants a good relationship, but feels that it is only Sis's fault, and though she did read one book about family conflict resolution, she doesn't show much interest in reading anything else, getting outside help, or really implementing any changes. Both feel victimized and hurt. Mom occasionally uses the 'be respectful or don't live in this house' line, but doesn't mean it since she would then worry constantly about Sis not being ready to live by herself and what would happen to her.
As far as the rest of the family, Dad is busy with working fulltime, going to school, and studying when he isn't asleep, so he basically isn't involved except to say he needs a house in the backyard to live in all by himself. I tend to get along well with Mom and Sis with no problem, chatting and doing stuff with either one. I admit I can get snappy too though, I just do it at longer intervals and with less intensity. I also go for the headphones and bedroom route to better avoid the fights, but that doesn't work well when they start at the dinner table.
Currently I feel like the constant fights are unpreventable. I've talked to them individually and together over and over for the past few years and have had zero results. They've both assured me that they're not the problem, it's the other one. Getting outside help is out of the question, since both say 'NO' to the very idea. They've tried talking about their problems, why they fight, and that also had zilch results. I think after so many straight years of fighting it's just the new normal at this point. Physical distance is starting to sound like a great resolution tactic about now
The reason I'm posting here is because of my Mom (50s) and Sister (21). Here's a little bit about them: Mom is very caring, expressing it in little things like doing you favors, thinking of something you forgot for you, taking some of your chores if you're really busy with finals, etc. She's been a stay-at-home mom for the past 25 years and isn't a social butterfly, so we're basically her only company. She can worry too much about things, and can feel that reminding someone of something is a sign of caring for them. She is not very expressive with her feelings, and partly to go a long with that neither our we.
Sister is a very smart and curious person who dreams big but has a hard time getting started. She was home schooled and is now going to college, learning to drive, and looking for a job this summer so she can save up to get an apartment. She can do it, but the drive to do it is the hardest part. She self-diagnosed herself as having aspergers, possible adhd (worse when she was young), depressive tendencies, and asexual or at least demi. She can be very vocal and loud, and is the opposite of meek and mild She can be very critical and has to work hard on thinking positively of others. She also has a really hard time expressing her feelings, doing it better through writing, but she's embarrassed to have it read.
While both are fine when you get to know them on their own, when combined, aka living together in one small house, their relationship is best explained as a big bowl of soured milk. One left out for several years. By my reckoning their not getting along has been happening for at least 5-6 years.
Their personalities do not mesh well, at all, and we're basically lucky if they somehow make it through one day without a yelling match, normally with Sis doing the yelling, but Mom can eventually get worked up enough to yell too. Sis takes it as an insult when she's reminded of something, calls reminders 'Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) nagging', or 'trying to get a rise out of her'. Mom doesn't understand why she can't say anything 'without getting her head bitten off', and has said Sis can be like 'a rabid dog that you don't know if it will suddenly attack'. Things get worse when Sis is rude (saying anything while yelling sounds rude in my opinion) and Mom tells her she 'should be more respectful', then it just escalates from there until Sis slams the door to her room to get away and the yelling match continues through the door.
We've gotten to the point where Sis, when told she wasn't being nice, says "I have no reason to be nice". She scoffs at the thought Mom cares about her, and doesn't believe if Mom says she wants things to be different. She sees the conflict resolution being this: She moves away, calls occasionally to tell the news, and has no real relationship for the rest of Mom's life. Mom wants a good relationship, but feels that it is only Sis's fault, and though she did read one book about family conflict resolution, she doesn't show much interest in reading anything else, getting outside help, or really implementing any changes. Both feel victimized and hurt. Mom occasionally uses the 'be respectful or don't live in this house' line, but doesn't mean it since she would then worry constantly about Sis not being ready to live by herself and what would happen to her.
As far as the rest of the family, Dad is busy with working fulltime, going to school, and studying when he isn't asleep, so he basically isn't involved except to say he needs a house in the backyard to live in all by himself. I tend to get along well with Mom and Sis with no problem, chatting and doing stuff with either one. I admit I can get snappy too though, I just do it at longer intervals and with less intensity. I also go for the headphones and bedroom route to better avoid the fights, but that doesn't work well when they start at the dinner table.
Currently I feel like the constant fights are unpreventable. I've talked to them individually and together over and over for the past few years and have had zero results. They've both assured me that they're not the problem, it's the other one. Getting outside help is out of the question, since both say 'NO' to the very idea. They've tried talking about their problems, why they fight, and that also had zilch results. I think after so many straight years of fighting it's just the new normal at this point. Physical distance is starting to sound like a great resolution tactic about now