Is this reasonable?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by dstc_99, Dec 10, 2012.

  1. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    OK so in planning for our therapy appointment on the 18th I want to put together something like a presentation. I'm not sure if it is appropriate considering this will be our 1st family appointment but I feel like it is the only safe place to present it. I wont be putting together a slide show or anything just a little document that states the following:

    Her costs upon graduation from high school to include: cell phone, housing, college, car, car insurance, food, gas, and etc.

    I think I can put it together in a way that shows what her life will look like with support and what it will look like without. I am sure she will see it as a "you are planning to cut me off" way, so I am hoping by being with the therapist he will be able to keep her reasonable. I want her to see in black and white how much of a difference there will be in her life. No emotions just simple facts. Facts that can go one way or the other depending on how she continues to treat family.

    At this point she doesn't have the ability to work a full time job due to school obligations and sports. The sports keep her out of my hair and off her sisters butt for several hours a week so I am hesitant to cut them. Plus it would hurt the other kids on the team and that isnt fair to them. She has good grades and is fine with everyone else it is just me that pays. Anyway I wouldn't be able to impose anything until after graduation but it could easily be done at that point.
     
  2. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Yes - I think it is reasonable...

    but, there might be a better alternative. Since she is 17, it is reasonable to begin "transitioning" to adulthood. Rather than making a big, black line (the proverbial "cut-off")...why not start handing over some of that responsibility now?

    If she has a part-time job - she can contribute to her own cell phone, gasoline, and car insurance. You decide an amount that is reasonable...or even whether she should take over an entire bill on her own. (My daughter, for example, is 100% responsible for her own cell phone. She has a pay-as-you-go plan. When she is out of minutes, that is on her...not me.)

    Another point that I continue to stress with my own daughter: relationships. Does she expect to be able to call Mom and Dad when she needs something? Does she expect to come over for Sunday dinners? Does she expect us to be involved and supportive? If so, that means she needs to actively work on maintaining a positive relationship with her family.

    Maybe part of the plan you present to the therapist is what kind of "adult relationship" you want to develop with your difficult child?
     
  3. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    This is your first therapist appointment?

    Just me, but... I'd be thinking it's more important to be presenting something like a "parent report" to the therapist - what are the problems you are dealing with? what are the patterns, the trends...

    This is not about getting the therapist to change difficult child. Or to take your side against difficult child.
    It's about finding solutions that work. therapist needs info - not a war.
    But... that's my approach. Others may feel differently.
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I have a sixteen year old easy child, and even she is going to get all that responsibility at eighteen, because we simply don't have the money to support her beyond that. I mean, we will help, but she will be in college, sports, and still have to work part-time to pay for some of her stuff. I think transitioning is a good idea for your daughter. And I don't think there is anything wrong with cutting off a child who does not appreciate her advantages. Doesn't matter what she says or if she pouts or says you hate her or she hates you etc. She will learn responsibility and see how much you do for her and learn to be nicer or she won't and she will grow up fast.

    Many, many teens have to help support not only their own bills but the family needs. It's not abuse. I think it gives kids a really strong work ethic. All of my kids had to pay for some of the car insurance (and NONE got their own car), cell bills, clothing bills, etc. and ALL of my grown kids are very productive and hardworking as adults. This includes one daughter who got into drugs in high school and that we cut off. We are now very close and she is doing great. Not so su re she'd be doing as well if she hadn't had to learn how to survive on her own. All of my kids, except my youngest easy child (who is also really involved in sports) had no choice but to go to work at sixteen. I was a single mom at the time and it wasn't even up for discussion. It was that or doing without and buying clothing at Walmart.
     
  5. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    This is not the first therapist appointment. We had an initial meeting to discuss the issues and then difficult child/easy child have been going since then. This will be the first meeting when we are all in a room together.

    difficult child has a part time job but she only works 2.5-3 hours a week. I do give her a certain amount of money and then her gas after that is her responsibility.

    Daisy Face,
    I do think the following are things I will add to the information. Thanks for the insight.
    Another point that I continue to stress with my own daughter: relationships. Does she expect to be able to call Mom and Dad when she needs something? Does she expect to come over for Sunday dinners? Does she expect us to be involved and supportive? If so, that means she needs to actively work on maintaining a positive relationship with her family.
     
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