It made me cry...Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) son's journal entries

[BusynMember]

He can express himself so much better on paper. Usually none of us know what is really going on inside of him. He proudly held out his journal and told me to read it. Here is an entry I'd like to share. My son is almost seventeen. He said many times how important it was for him to try in school and once he mentioned that making fun of people is bad and that although he is black nobody makes fun of him (but maybe they do behind his back). I almost never know what is going on in that head of his and there was a lot more, but the journal at least reassured me that he is a sensitive, good person who is a deep thinker, although not much of a talker:

"My first wish I woud wish for alot of money to help pay for my family, my second wish, I woud try to help the world with all its problems, I would wish for all of the video games I can play. I think if I had every game I woud get bored and stop playing for a while."

In another post he said he didn't like the color red because it reminded him of death. He liked blue because it calmed him. He also said he didn't want to grow up that much, but he did look forward to his driver's license...lol. Often he talks of the love of his family, which made me cry because he doesn't express it out loud (although it's easy to tell he loves us).

He is a sweet young man who defintely is on the spectrum, bless him.

Not sure why I posted, but...I wanted to sh are with other Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) moms. Writing is his hardest subject in school.

 

[Wiped Out]

What a truly sweet boy you have, MWM-thank you so much for sharing this-you must be one proud warrior mom right now

 

[trinityroyal]

Thank you for sharing MWM. The writing does really bring out their inner lives, doesn't it.
How wonderful that your son's words confirmed and expanded what you already knew of his good heart.

 

[BusynMember]

Also scared me too though. He doesn't want to grow up...I know he's afraid of trying to make it alone because it's hard for him. And his spelling is not up to par, but we knew that. He is a very sweet young man, but life is not going to be an easy road for him. And he's on the high functioning Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) side...they either refer to him as High-Functioning Autism (HFA) or Aspie...I love him to death and worry about him more than any of my other four kids. I know they'll be fine...it's hard to know that one day you will leave a disabled child into the care of others...at least it is to me...

 

[ML]

That is beautiful Because I have a kiddo with some similarities it doesn't surprise me. The depth of emotions are felt even when they aren't expressed (though mine seems to express his to the opposite extreme lol). Thank you for sharing this MWmom

 

[1 Day At a Time]

Thanks for sharing MWM,

I know exactly what you mean. difficult child seems like a sweet guy. I'm sure that he would never make fun of anyone. Our difficult child wouldn't. Our difficult child also has great difficulty with writing. He had to write a personal reflection in an English class last semester. He really struggled with it, and he finally he asked me for assistance. That was the first time ever that he had done so. He wrote an amazing reflection about his pet bird that our neighbor gave him when he was released from the hospital some years back. We really need to send her a copy, the thoughts within it are so beautiful. Who knew?

I think that folks on the spectrum have many good qualities - although our culture often only seems to note the difficult ones. They are generally extremely loyal and faithful to those that they love. They really are incapable of artifice, and they define the word dependable. We worry very much about our difficult child's future as well, but day by day he seems to mature in small steps. We're trying very hard to point him in the right direction without overwhelming him. I have a feeling that our difficult child will surprise us in the future with his growing capabilities, and I'm sure yours will as well.

Valerie

 

[Marguerite]

On the "I never want to grow up" issue - I made a secret deal with myself when I was a kid, to never forget what it felt like to be a kid. I was surrounded by adults who kept telling me things like, "You will understand when you're older," and who I felt treated me in a cavalier way, as if my thoughts and feelings were of no consequence. I couldn't understand how people could be so dismissive of my feelings, I felt it had to be because they were so out of touch with their own memories of childhood. I kept hearing my mother's friends saying things like, "Youth is wasted on the young," and hearing them explain it as "Children these days don't appreciate what they have. Oh, I wish I could go back to the carefree days of childhood!"

My childhood never felt carefree at all, I didn't understand what they were talking about. But when I tried to say so, I was laughed at by the adults around me. "You will learn one day," they said.
I felt tat if life were to get more difficult rather than less, I didn't want to live it. But I thought about it and figured, surely others feel that way too? So why do people put up with adulthood, if their memories of childhood are so much sweeter? I figured it had to be because their minds self-censored all the unpleasant things tey had experienced. So I vowed to never forget.

I think I made a good decision. Because although adulthood brought with it responsibilities and the need to put others first a great deal more than we ever would have thought possible in some ways as kids, in other ways as adults we have the right to say no, I don't want to do that. Of course there are consequences, but it is easier as an adult to see those consequences and therefore make an informed decision.

A child who feels miserable - never pat them on the head and say, "It's not really that bad, you know. One day you will look back on all this and realise you had it good, really."
No, be honest. Validate those feelings. Because then the child can stop trying to prove how miserable he or she is, and begin to find the things that still can be enjoyed.

I remember a Peanuts cartoon I read when I was a kid. Linus is asking Charlie Brown, "What if you could go back and live your live over?"
Charlie Brown replies, "You mean - do exactly the same things I've been doing, but knowing what will happen?"
Linus nods.
Charlie Brown screams and runs off.
I always felt I could really understand Charlie Brown and could never get why the adults around me didn't understand that cartoon the way I did.

It's miserable being a kid. We often forget just how miserable. It's even more miserable being a kid who is different in any way. I would share with L that it's OK to grow up, but to always keep a part of him in touch with the child he is now, so he can always identify with the children in his world and know how they are likely to be feeling.

Poor darling - I do get it.

Marg

 

[TerryJ2]

Beautiful. I am so glad he shared that with you, and you shared it with us. These kids are human. Sigh.