Star*
call 911........call 911
I have canceled Christmas in my home. Due to overwhelming depression caused by this past years events I have no desire to put up a tree, decorations, sing, bake, fa la la or anything.
I finished the letter to Dude today. It was blunt, direct and as non emotional as I could make it. In it I stated the part about no Christmas whatsoever:
I told you earlier I dont feel like celebrating Christmas the traditional way. Id rather sit in that house alone with no decorations, no presents, nothing than to put myself threw another Christmas of feeling like a fool because I ran out excited to get you that ONE special gift only to see it smashed to bits or torn up on your bedroom floor before New Years. Or to hear a day after Christmas you were back to not listening or following rules. This way I dont get disappointed and hurt. Ive always done everything in my power to give you a great Christmas. Ive waited 11 years Dude for you to change. Ive got to move on from being this sad. Its not fair for you to continue to misbehave and then ask me to have a holiday celebrations.
I sent the letter with his caseworker. No Christmas card, not single wrapped package, bag or bow. Just a letter basically telling him to grow up.
I can keep Christmas in my heart for what it is, but I'm not keeping Christmas from him because of his behavior - I'm canceling all further holidays as I just don't see the point. DF is a major holiday killjoy - has been ever since we've been together, difficult child CAN hold his behaviors together to get presents and usually can behave right before any holiday. THEN after he gets- he gives (and not nicely) and in spades. It's makes ME too sad to deal with it.
Thanksgiving was what did it I think -He was supposed to be able to come home if he had good behavior and knowing THAT - he managed to manipulate the system, making me think he had nothing to eat, no where to go and blew his chance to come home at the last minute. I spent the holiday basically in bed for 4 days too depressed to think. Just not going through with giving to give and make my heart happy anymore. And if I'm supposed to ignore the fact that "Well it's Christmas" then in 2 weeks I ignore behaviors because "It's New Years" and ignore it all for the holidays sake so we can be together - yelling, screaming - patching holes in the wall, calling the police - then a month later "IT's valentines day" and after that "It's Easter, His birthday. It just never ends - and so I made it end or hopefully begin. Begin by sending a message that you can only abuse your Mom so long before she stops trying.
If he ever decides to pull himself together than a longer time than it is between holidays for HIS OWN GOOD - and stays that way for a LONG TIME - maybe there will be something to celebrate with him.
i guess I just needed to get that off my chest and go home and cry for a while. Thanks for listening if you made it this far.
God made me the woman of steel and gave me a kid made of Criptonite.
Hugs
Star
I finished the letter to Dude today. It was blunt, direct and as non emotional as I could make it. In it I stated the part about no Christmas whatsoever:
I told you earlier I dont feel like celebrating Christmas the traditional way. Id rather sit in that house alone with no decorations, no presents, nothing than to put myself threw another Christmas of feeling like a fool because I ran out excited to get you that ONE special gift only to see it smashed to bits or torn up on your bedroom floor before New Years. Or to hear a day after Christmas you were back to not listening or following rules. This way I dont get disappointed and hurt. Ive always done everything in my power to give you a great Christmas. Ive waited 11 years Dude for you to change. Ive got to move on from being this sad. Its not fair for you to continue to misbehave and then ask me to have a holiday celebrations.
I sent the letter with his caseworker. No Christmas card, not single wrapped package, bag or bow. Just a letter basically telling him to grow up.
I can keep Christmas in my heart for what it is, but I'm not keeping Christmas from him because of his behavior - I'm canceling all further holidays as I just don't see the point. DF is a major holiday killjoy - has been ever since we've been together, difficult child CAN hold his behaviors together to get presents and usually can behave right before any holiday. THEN after he gets- he gives (and not nicely) and in spades. It's makes ME too sad to deal with it.
Thanksgiving was what did it I think -He was supposed to be able to come home if he had good behavior and knowing THAT - he managed to manipulate the system, making me think he had nothing to eat, no where to go and blew his chance to come home at the last minute. I spent the holiday basically in bed for 4 days too depressed to think. Just not going through with giving to give and make my heart happy anymore. And if I'm supposed to ignore the fact that "Well it's Christmas" then in 2 weeks I ignore behaviors because "It's New Years" and ignore it all for the holidays sake so we can be together - yelling, screaming - patching holes in the wall, calling the police - then a month later "IT's valentines day" and after that "It's Easter, His birthday. It just never ends - and so I made it end or hopefully begin. Begin by sending a message that you can only abuse your Mom so long before she stops trying.
If he ever decides to pull himself together than a longer time than it is between holidays for HIS OWN GOOD - and stays that way for a LONG TIME - maybe there will be something to celebrate with him.
i guess I just needed to get that off my chest and go home and cry for a while. Thanks for listening if you made it this far.
God made me the woman of steel and gave me a kid made of Criptonite.
Hugs
Star