Heather, you said, "Marg, I think you're misunderstanding. I know I was depressed when I went to see this therapist - it's why I went. I wasn't comfortable with him during the appointment, but I was willing to work on that. Then at the end of the appointment when he hit my trigger, I was so incredibly upset. But, I had decided that I needed to go back and address this and see if I was comfortable with him. I'm not blaming him for my current state of depression. It's the nature of the beast."
If you can explain it as well as you have (definitely much clearer than mud!) then you have a better handle on your depression than a lot of people do.
And that is really valuable - to have a good enough understanding, a 'feel' for your mood, to already have some idea of what could have contributed (if anything) and therefore how best to respond to it.
You're the one on the spot. It's your head you're in, I can only look on from the outside. Therefore, all I can do is double-check from a distance that you're aware of all possibilities and implications, so I don't have to worry too much about you.
Apart from the degree of your depression, I do think you have a good handle on this. In other words - yes, you've reassured me, I WAS worried that you had lost your focus on why you had chosen to see this bloke. For me, being asked to allow my therapist to access info on drug and alcohol rehab wouldn't have upset me as much as it did you. But I am not you; I also was not in the room to hear his tone of voice or to pick up on any other 'vibes' you were getting from him. Who knows? If I had been, I might be just as upset.
You've kicked this around a fair bit over the last week. A number of us have said that you should go back - and here you are, you've made your own decision and it's to NOT go back. By spreading it all out in front of us all like this, you HAVE to have considered everything carefully and you've had all arguments presented. But you have access to things we have not - those 'vibes'. And your own feelings about it all.
So your decision has to be valid. You're not making a snap, rash decision here. We've all helped you consider all sides of this.
This is your decision, but it definitely is an informed one. That is all I was concerned about really. And because you are the one on the spot, of course I support your decision (not that you need me to). I also applaud your courage in exposing your feelings and emotions to us all the way you did. It is a big step towards reaching out and getting help, to acknowledge the need to begin with.
Keep us posted on how you get on, I hope you find someone who will give you a fair hearing and who will help you.
Marg
