just feel blah (whine warning)

[crazymama30]

So after all that has gone on in my life lately,especially husband being in psychiatric hospital, I feel blah, like the world is just cloudy. Not oh I want to die depressed, but just like I am just existing. Went and met with difficult child's therapist today, difficult child is really doing well at home and at school, therapist had nothing but positive stuff to say about how I have handled events lately, including how I deal with difficult child, but I left just feeling horrible. Why? I have not clue.

Today was also my last day at my caregiving job for an elderly lady. I have worked for her for the last 3 years. Due to my schedule changing at the hospital I work at I cannot work both places, but will end up saving about $600 per month on health insurance not to mention how much more I will make by working more hours there. Really is going to be better for us. Don't know how much this factors into how I am feeling, but I am sure it contributes.

I have not had my supplements for about 3 weeks. No 5 HTP, flax, b complex. Just could not afford them. Got a bonus today and went to costco and now have enough for a month or two. I am sure this is factoring into this.

husband is doing ok. Still has some mood swings, but minor ones in comparison to before. He has been picking up the kids from school, not too much help around the house, but oh well. Now he is developing more side effects, they could go away with time but I am so tired of always watching and waiting for what will come next. He complains about his pills, but always takes them. I remind him and he complains about that, but that is mainly in the morning--he is really NOT a morning person at all--if I did not give him his morning pills he would never take them. He has been taking his noon, evening and bedtime with minimal reminders.

I guess I am wondering if I need to go to real medications, not just the supplements. Guess I should give the supplements a while to work. I have been seing my therapist weekly, and I will bring this up with her, but today I just feel so drained. I sit here typing and just feel so pointless. Then I feel stupid, as the crisis is over, has been over for a month, so why can't I get back to normal?

I worked Saturday, my first 12hr shift since husband got d/c'd, and then he got sick. I came home and husband had vomitted 2x and that included his night medications. husband's psychiatrist filled out the family medical leave of absence form for me on an intermittent basis, so I called in on Sunday. I just could not go to work not knowing if he was going to get better or worse. Of course since I stayed home he got better. Was like nothing happened. So then I felt bad for missing more work. I have missed so much work in the last month, thankfully I have lots of Earned time off and extended illness bank, so it does not hurt financially, but I just hate to miss work.

I think part of it is that reality has hit, and it just does not look rosey. Nothing looks rosey. It is all grey.

 

[Wiped Out]

Aww Sweetie,
With all you have been dealing with I think it is normal for you to be feeling this way. I'm hoping having the supplements back will help but if need be, do find a good therapist to talk to and a psychiatrist for medications. Sending prayers and hugs your way

 

[flutterby]

Honestly, with everything you have been dealing with, I would be surprised if you didn't feel this way. We seem to hold up during crisis because we *have* to, but once the crisis is averted or calmed, the wall seems to come down. I guess you could call it survival mode.

I would definitely talk about medications. I know how it feels like to "just exist". I lived that way for many years with my depression. It can be so much better and if it takes medications for it to happen, then so be it. I was incredibly reluctant to take medications - and I have major depressive disorder - but once I did, I kicked myself for not doing sooner. I kept thinking about how much of my life I spent "just existing". All that wasted time...

Take care of you. You're in my thoughts.

(((hugs)))

 

[Hound dog]

I have to agree with the others. You've had more than your fair share on your plate here lately. I would be surprised if you were all grins and smiles and perky.

I dunno about depression. Sounds more to me like you're tired.....emotionally, mentally, and physically. Sometimes a crisis takes a while to bounce back from.....and it doesn't necessary mean you're depressed.

Try extra hard to make time for yourself, make sure you're getting plenty of rest, and do something just for yourself (something that makes you smile) every once in a while.

(((hugs)))

 

[gcvmom]

Your coping skills have been under constant strain for a long time. And just because everything around you starts getting better doesn't mean you immediately bounce back. The rubber band has been stretched beyond it's limits -- and although it hasn't snapped (thankfully) it takes much longer to go back to it's normal shape.

You might benefit from medications to help you get back to that "normal" state quicker. But whatever you decide, it will still take time.

Go easy on yourself, and take time for yourself. And keep seeing your therapist until you feel like you are truly back on your feet.

 

[busywend]

It is my personal opinion that events such as this in our lives, or extra stressful times can cause hormonal swings. I think this contributes more to the 'blahs' than people know.

I think your supplements will help. Get you back to what your body is used to daily.

I don't have any answers to the hormonal suggestion, but I can tell you I have been there about 3 times in the last 6 years. It really can be difficult to get out of. But, the first step is recognizing it.

 

[crazymama30]

Tired is a good description. Finding things to smile about, easier said than done. I usually am a pretty optimistic person, a glass half full type of person.

Not so much now. Thank you for caring, it does help to know that people care.

Not sure if I need medications, not sure what I need. Sometimes figuring out what you need is not so easy.

 

[hearts and roses]

{{Hugs CM}} I think we all know how you feel. That feeling that there is no black or white, no colors, just grey.

I suggest giving the supplements a wee bit longer to see if they help. Try sitting in the bright sunshine at least 10-15 minutes per day, reading or knitting or just meditating on the warmth of the sun going directly into your body, warming you from the inside out, brightening your soul and uplifting your spirits - not sure if you're into that sort of meditation, but I have found just sitting quietly and soaking up the sun rays helps me. Yesterday, for instance.

Give yourself a break. Much as I love optimistic people, I find it a bit disconcerting to always see the same person with a sunny smile on their face...I mean, don't they ever have a bad day? Hugs to you - I sure hope you feel better soon.

 

[crazymama30]

Ok, so one of the few real world friends who knows all about what has been going on told me tonight that maybe I should go see Dr. Xyx (difficult child's psychiatrist). Huh, so guess I do need to do something. My tentative plan is to wait another week or so and if the supplements do not kick in I will see someone. Don't know who, will figure that out when I get there. Thank you all so much for your support and pm's. If it were not for this board, I would be more of a mess than I am, and that would be really scary.

 

[Star*]

My feelings on this subject were pretty black and white....but this is what popped into my head for you.....

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hGxHGS_mGT4"]YouTube- VIKKI CARR - PUT ON A HAPPY FACE[/ame]

 

[crazymama30]

Wow. Thank you Star.

If I had her figure, there would be other happy faces around, that is for sure!