I hate to even think this, but I think the "drop and disappear" parents are the norm. Partly because many of the kids who have these problems maybe didn't have them before they were exposed to drugs pre or post birth, and because their parents have similar problems. But even when the parents are not sub abusers, or don 't have the problems the child does, many parents just don't seem to be there for any child who has problems. I have heard parents tell second and third graders that if they keep "being bad" that the parents won't come to school anymore and will stop talking to the teachers and just let the child deal with it all alone. It is unbelievable, but I have seen it happen.
When Wiz was in the psychiatric hospital for 4 months the doctor had been working there for at least 5 yrs. He spent about 12 hrs a week there and was paid like it was a full time job. Saw each kid for maybe 5 min, approved whatever medication changes the nurses and therapist wanted, and one morning a week had "staffing" where he and the staff would sit and talk about each kid for a max of 10 min. He NEVER saw parents and did NOT want to see them. Actually told me that parents were a real nuisance and shouldn't be involved in the process. I told him that I disagreed because I know my child and he hasn't even spent an hour with him, so I WOULD be consulted on ALL decisions or I would file so many complaints and lawsuits that he would be spending the rest of his life fighting them. This was about 4 weeks in when he had made NO progress with Wiz and tried to tell me that I either imagined the problems or caused them because my son had no problems as long as I was gone. He had the cajones to suggest that my child would be better off if the family, esp husband and I, were not part of his life anymore. I told him that he had no business working with kids if he believed that. He also hated that I brought reference books like The Bipolar Chld when he wanted to rx medications for that. I had the NERVE to pull the book open to the page where it outlines the medical board's medication protocol and tell him that IF we were going to diagnosis that we were going to follow this and NOT put him on two SSRI medications, a stimulant and an atypical antipsychotic all at once, because the first 3 medications would make him cycle if he was truly bipolar.
There was one other family who was there for weekend visits, and one dad who's child was in the little kid wing (kids age 4-11). That was all of the parents I ever saw there. The dad and I had group on the same morning so we would pass info about whatever the diagnosis of the week his kid had. I also let him know about the early morning "staffing" where the psychiatrist was present. This place had the policy that parents NEVER EVER met with the psychiatrist. You told the therapist your concerns and they were passed on if they were remembered. I gave our therapist lists which she really appreciated. I even gave her a special pad of paper that was pretty to put notes from her talks with other parents on. She had been trying to make and keep notes as she talked to parents, but the only paper supplied to her was already printed on one side and was cut into corners. She literally had to buy her own notebooks and pens and she had a tight budget of her own.
One of us was there for every therapy meeting, usually me because husband was in school and teaching 2 classes, on the weekends we were there for at least one of the visiting days (3-4 hours on both Sat and Sun). Once he could have visitors on one night during the week we made sure that if he was told someone would be there that someone was. My parents kept promising to go and then not going, it was a major problem with the mid-week visits. He really saw how my parents promised a lot and didn't come through on his own, something we had been trying to deal with for a long time. they tried but had a lot going on with my gfgbro and his then wife and my mom was starting a nervous breakdown. Dad just has serious social anxiety and it was winning with him at that point - and of course he refuses to even discuss it with anyone, ever - then and now.
I was floored at the "games" and activities the psychiatric hospital provided. They never had all the pieces. None of the tape recorders worked although we were told they provided "music therapy" with calming music, often classical, that was provided via old walkmans with headphones that didn't work. My dad had a dozen walkmans that he had either taken from students over the years or that he had been given because they were broken and he had repaired them. He paid for a couple dozen pairs of the cheap $1 headphones at walmart and donated those with a couple of big packs of batteries from Sams. The hospital was ecstatic to get these. Then I came in with three big boxes of books to share with both wings - they hadn't gotten new books there in over 5 years and the ones they had were all missing pages or whole chapters. These were mostly things I weeded out of my kids' shelves because yes, my kids had/have that many books. they just always did because we are all insane bibliophiles. Heck, Wiz had 1000 books on his shelves, most that he had actually read or had read to him, by age 2.
I didn't do anything that I thought was over the top or majorly out of line. I did what we did for all the kids' teachers. I even took a cake to the staff several times when I knew they had been having a rougher week than usual. Apparently no parent had EVER done this, or donated books or games. I even got a couple of businesses here to give me games that were on clearance (board, not video) as a donation to the palce - something that brought the therapist to tears because she kept trying to play games iwth the kids to help with ideas like tkaing turns, being a good winner and loser, etc... but no game had enough pieces to paly with even 2 people.
I don't know why these things are not normal for all parents to do. I know my parents did similar things for my teachers when I was a kid. heck, my dad did a carpentry project with my class every year in elem school. One year he and 2 other dads built a reading loft in a classroom. In first grade we built a beautiful cabinet to hold the headphones for one of our centers. That year the principal gave our grade the brand new headphones that were ordered because we had a place to take good care of them. Other years we built a picnic table, benches, just any project that the teacher thought would be nice to have. By "we" I mean my dad had every single student in the class (usually in the entire grade) work on helping to sand, assemble, stain and finish the item.
What is up with the world that parents are willing and able to just walk away? What is going on that parents who walk away have kids that get the help when those of us who literally bust our tails and spend lots of $$ we don't have cannot even get an hour a week respite care??? Something is really WRONG with this situation, in my opinion.
I really think that as a nation, the US needs to start paying parents to be professional parents. Give a monthly amount that can support a parent and child and then have the parent be responsible for actually raising the child. For getting the well checks, the medical care that is needed, taking the kid to the park, getting them to school, supporting the teachers, coaches, etc... and generally just be a responsible, present parent. I doubt it will happen in the near future, but I can dream.