Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Nancy, Oct 25, 2011.
Please give us an update.
I'm thinking of them this afternoon, too. DDD
Hi Nancy and DDD,
difficult child got out Monday morning and took another patient to her halfway house and then went to boyfriend's house for the night. She called and was her usual demanding and entitled self. I ended up hanging up on her when she demanded that we go to family counseling since this wasn't all her fault. Yada, yada, yada.
I went to bed upset because I felt like we wasted our money. However, the next day she called and apologized and actually talked to me like an adult. She said that she knew that she needed to change and what she needed to do but change was hard and it was going to take time and work. difficult child said that she was trying, though, and that she needed to stop blaming others for her problems.
During the day, she is staying at her friend's mom's house and she is going to the boyfriend's house at night. The boyfriend's family won't let her stay when they are not there (smart move on their part).
I questioned her going to boyfriend's and reminded her that part of the program was to stay away from temptation. She said that boyfriend is totally supportive of her recovery and would do nothing to harm it. To his credit, he did call me a year ago (not an easy thing for him since he knows we don't like him) when he was concerned about difficult child's Xanax habit. He even told her that he would break up with her if she didn't stop taking Xanax so I do know that he doesn't want her abusing prescriptions pills. The problem is that he is also a drinker.
difficult child has found a halfway house that will take her next Wednesday. It is not the one that the counselor suggested. difficult child said they wouldn't take her at that one because she wouldn't commit to 6 months and they said that they didn't think she was serious about recovery. Gee . . . just what I wanted to hear.
The one she found has much looser rules than I would like but she will be drug/alcohol tested 2 - 3 times a week with immediate dismissal if she is not clean. They also have 5 meetings a week. The first two weeks she has to go everywhere with a buddy but after that she gets to come and go with curfews. The are expected to be working, actively seeking work, or volunteering while they are there.
It is the same cost as the other one. One thing that I think she really liked is that it is a women's only facility in a very nice part of town.
One day at a time . . . one step at a time.
Kathy the fact that she called you back today to apologize is huge and yes it takes time to change but the mere fact that she recognized she needed to change is all very positive. I like the rules at this sober house. The drug testing, meetings, curfew and two week restriction is all good. And the fact that she is still willing to go is very very positive.
I think you are doing all the right things. We paid for difficult child's sober house too until she got a job. We always told her we would help as long as she was following the program. By withdrawing our support it would only force her onto the streets or to some guy. You will have good and bad days. Some days you will think it's not worth it, but other days will be encouraging. Remember that she will be having a lot of bad days too. This is a difficult time for her. You have been clear about what you will and will not tolerate. She knows that. Give her the time and space she needs to change.
I am really hoping next Wednesday comes quickly.
Amen to Nancy's post. Hugs. DDD
Kathy, this sounds only half-way promising to me. I must have a skewed view of a lot of things so take my opinion for what it's worth. But to me, as a person who went to a treatment center in my early 20's, the part about wanting family to participate in family therapy was entirely appropriate. (Sorry, but my mom refused it too and everyone knew this was a family problem.) The part about her staying with a boyfriend who is actively drinking and choosing the "less stringent, shorter" halfway house is bad news. I hope this works out for her but it doesn't sound as hopeful to me as it does to some others here and I'm only throwing that opinion out so you can maybe keep one small portion of your heart protected and not letting your hopes get built up too much.
I think that's why we are all holding our breaths until Wednesday and she gets into a more protective environment klmno. If I have learned one thing through all of this our hopes get built up and dashed many many times, but with each time it gets a little easier.
Kathy, I hope that once she gets there she realizes that sober living is a good thing. Some people do well in the less restricted settings. The thing is it really doesn't matter as much where you are living. It is more important that you are committed to your recovery. I hope she is. Yes be happy she is going but be careful of your heart also. -RM
I can relate to that even though my difficult child's challenges are a tad different- at least so far.
RM makes some very good points, too. It's having the boyfriend that is still drinking around her that bothers me the most. It's one thing if she had 6-12mos or more of recovery behind her already but just coming out of treatment and being young and all, whether he just 'doesn't get it' or not, this is very high-risk.
hoping this decision keeps her moving. Also hoping her sober peers will have a good influence on her. All my best to you and difficult child.
I so agree klmno. They really can't be around their old drinking friends. It's one of the hardest changes they have to make. They have to surround themselves with sober people, which is why a sober house is critical. I was terrified difficult child would go right back to the old friends and she actually told them she would be back several times. It took a long time for them to realize this won't work. It's a process, they have to accept the program and make a break with their past but rarely do they come out of a treatment center ready to do this.
I must have been extremely lucky- but then, in a way, I knew I was all along.
Having never had an issue with addiction to drugs or alcohol (I know STOP laughing at me! I was not addicted, it was the 70s!) the only thing that I can compare this to is when I stopped smoking back in 1990. I could not be around anyone who smoked at all for an awful long time. I couldnt go near them, I couldnt go out with people who smoked on their smoking breaks to stand with them outside, I wouldnt eat with them at the tables when they smoked. I couldnt even look at cigarettes because I wanted to smoke. It took me about 5 years before I stopped that longing...and then...what the heck did I do? I went out to stand with my friends. Yep. Then I held one of their cigs for them while they went to answer the phone. Then I ate lunch at the table. Then...oh my gosh...it is just soooooo stressful at work right now..do you mind if I borrow one of your cigarettes? I just wanna see if they are as good as I remember them as being? And now ..... why in the heck did I ever hold one again because just one started it all over again. I am completely and totally addicted to nicotine.
Don't worry everybody. . . I have learned the hard way to hope for the best but to expect the worst.
difficult child claims that boyfriend drinks when he goes out with his buddies but not when she is over there (he lives with his parents). I really do think he wants her to be sober. I'm not sure, though, that they are even together right now. She has been spending nights at the friend's mom's house and the boyfriend dropped off two collages full of pictures at our garage door. You would think that he would have just given them to her rather than drop them off here. I don't know if they are fighting but she doesn't sound upset when I talk to her and I am not going to ask.
She seems to be spending a lot of time with a girl (23 years old) that was in the in-patient treatment center with her. They go to AA meetings together and the other girl's family took difficult child out to dinner with them before one of the meetings.
I don't know if that is good or bad . . . I guess they are supporting each other and encouraging each other but I also see the downside of two newly sober people spending a lot of time together. If one slips . . . will the other follow?
Anyway, I appreciate all of your advice and support.
It all sounds good Kathy. I was worried too about difficult child spending so much time with other addicts but quickly realized those are the people who are their support team. Yes some of them will relapse but hopefully she will not and the idea is that they are suppose to help get each other back on track. I had to face the fact that all the people at the AA/NA meetings are addicts. Some have been sober for a long time and others are just starting their journey. Some are serious about recovery and some are just biding their time until the court is off their backs. I now am glad to see her hanging with other addicts that are in the program and worry if she is spending time with non addicts. It's a strange world this world of addiction.
I have all the faith in the world in you.
Your last post sdounds a lot more promising to me. They say it's less risky to hang out with outhers who are in recovery than to hang with someone who's never been, whether the other person is an alcoholic/addict or not.
difficult child called last night really excited. She said she had gone to an AA meeting not too far from here (about halfway from here and her soon-to-be halfway house) and that she really liked it. She said that she had shared with the group and felt very comfortable with them. She said that she thinks it will be her "home" group but she wants to try a few more before she decides.
I guess she hasn't broken up with the boyfriend as she called from there last night. difficult child even said that she was hoping that the boyfriend would go to an AA meeting with her but that she wasn't sure "he was there yet." Not sure what that meant . . .
She also asked if I would go to a meeting with her. I told her that I would be happy to go with her. She warned me that some meetings can be rough with a lot of bad language. I told her that I was a big girl.
This all still seems so unreal to me. I'm actually talking to my daughter about AA meetings?? I have to say, though, just a little over a month ago, difficult child was going to rehab to "show us that she doesn't have a problem." Now she readily admits to a substance abuse problem and is attending meetings daily and going to a halfway house.
Hopefully, things are moving in the right direction.
Where's the 'like' button over here in PE?
Kathy, This all sounds very promising! hoping that this time it 'takes' and your difficult child will stay on track!
Kathy, this sounds very good. I have also heard that people in AA/NA are supposed to or encouraged to hang out with others in recovery. This would make sense to me logically.
Separate names with a comma.