Male who beat difficult child released to treatment facility...

[Childofmine]

A lot of the time I think that writing here and saying things out loud is what many of us do. We aren't sure if we even really think, really believe what we are writing or saying or not. But we need to write it out loud and say it out loud and then we can examine it, turn it around and look at it from all sides, and then sit it back down.

Maybe we do agree with all of what we just wrote or said.
Maybe not.
Maybe some of it. More or less of it.

Maybe we are writing it and saying it so we can work it out in our own minds and hearts.

I see anger as a reaction as somebody working something out for themselves. They are struggling with their own beliefs and ideas. Like Tom the other day. Who knows who he really is or what he really thinks? It doesn't matter.

I was really okay with hearing him and bearing witness to his anger, his rage and his pain.

This Stuff we deal with folks, is some of the hardest stuff in life. In fact, what is really harder than this? More fundamental, more soul wrenching, more scraping the bottom of the barrel of who we are, what we believe, how we live??? I think nothing is.

We need to hear and consider all of these perspectives. Sometimes we are not strong enough to hear it, and we strike back. That's okay. I think this forum can handle it.

Sometimes we are stronger, today, and we can take it in.

We have a common purpose: surviving.

We have looked into the face of hell, we have lived in hell, and we are surviving, each our own way. That is good and we can all learn from each other.

And then, we can take what we like, and leave the rest.

 

[ConcernedSC]

I feel bad that you are second guessing your decisions to have detached from your daughter and that you are feeling guilty. This is the reason my husband keeps thinking he must never stop helping his daughter, because what if something horrible happens, like ultimately she dies. But this locks people into a cycle where they are controlled by someone else and have no life of their own- it feels like being held hostage. I am the one who looks out for me before I look out for her- I had to start because it was my own survival instinct kicking in. I am the stepmother, not the biological parent. She sucks all the air out of a room, and I need to breath, too. I can sense it when someone is suffocating me. I have endured enough trauma already and I just can't be christ on a cross for her anymore, dying myself so she can live. Because that *is* what it feels like because they are so extreme.

Interestingly, I was reading some material recently about "The Secret", which is the Law of Attraction. Whether you believe that is real or not, I have taken some interesting tidbits away from it. One tidbit was- we should not interpret things as good or bad, it says. For example, running late. Is running late bad? We think so, but- if you would have been on time and going through the intersection right when that truck ran the light, maybe you would be dead and that would not be good. My husband's friend worked in the world trade centers and once a month they had a meeting in the twin towers. Well, he was late on 9/11 and as he came down the street in the taxi, he saw the building fall. Every one of his coworkers was killed. He was the only survivor.

So if your daughter had gone with you- how do you know that it would not have led to something horrific happening at your house, like the disgruntled boyfriend burning down your home, or who knows what.

My husband likes to bring up all the times we didn't go rescue her. That if ONLY we had rescued her maybe by a miracle she would be normal now. I don't think so. I think maybe she would have stabbed me and killed me, or maybe organized a home invasion for her thug friends so they could torture us and then sell our stuff and split the profits, or maybe it just would have been her lunging at me and me punching her in the face and then being arrested like a criminal and having her press assault charges on me for self defense, since she is an OUTSTANDING actress who really puts on a show. My husband always reverts to thinking all would be fine if we just would have done this, or that... but I can only envision far more turmoil and much deeper trouble from interacting with her.

And what is it with them losing their I.D.? My husband has replaced it so many times.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Cedar, your last post here made me sad that there is so much deep pain for us in loving our children. I am so sorry for this new development in your life. I am so deeply sorry.

Here is my unsolicited advice to you my friend, from the grandmother of a teenager whose lived with me since she was 11............going on 7 years now. She will be 18 in a few days. I also raised my sister, who came to me at 11 and left at 17 for college.

Twice I made that choice.

Cedar, as much as you love your granddaughter and want the best for her, as much as you want to help, just remember that your daughter, your granddaughter's own mother, has already made the choice of where she wants her daughter to go. You would be interfering with your daughter's choice.

Equally as important to consider is this: When your granddaughter arrives in another place, there is a very good likelihood that whomever she lives with will receive her unbridled rage at what has happened to her. I have been the recipient of that rage twice now, and all the therapists we went to, told us that it was a fairly common reaction for the kids to take out their sense of abandonment, betrayal and rage on the safest character around, which would be YOU. And, let me tell you, there is nothing quite as mind bending as seeing a teenage girl staring at you through hate filled eyes and blaming you for all the misfortune in her life. I went through YEARS of therapy, police, running away, horrific fights and continual upheaval with my sister so that it effectively ruined the entire decade of my 20's. I then repeated that cycle when I was 57, it was a tad better, but 8th grade to 10th grade were pretty dicey.

SO and I are just starting to leave town without worrying about a keg party at our house because with social media, kids find out about parties in minutes and not just 20 show up, 100 show up. A friend of my granddaughter's who is also being raised by her grandparents (who always look so worn out it's not even funny) decided to have a party when the grandparents were trying to get out of town for one night. That was when the kids were in the 10th grade. It went out on FaceBook and alcohol was purchased, it all started heating up and one of the mothers saw it on FB and called the police. The grandparents were called and had to come home to their property which had been invaded by half of the High School. They have never gone away since. Their granddaughter brought weed onto the HS campus, is a 'cutter', is a bit of a wild child, has no plans after HS, you get the picture................hence the fast aging of the grandparents.............

I made those choices because I felt as if I was the only one left standing and there was no one else who could step up to the plate and help my sister and my granddaughter. In your case, there is someone else, the half brother. They are younger. Let them deal with it. Perhaps she can come to you for a bit in the summer or spring break, but please, give this A LOT of thought.

Of course, you have to do what feels right to you, I understand that. I am just sharing my thoughts about how it has been for me.

And, Cedar, it doesn't just end when they are 18, they are still on our radar for a long time after that. You will be in your 70's and responsible for a young woman who comes with "issues." God bless her.

I am very tired of parenting Cedar, I have been at this for decades and decades now. I want to be done. You have been at this for decades and decades too, with your own kids.............let it be done now. Let the younger ones take it on.

You and I deserve to live out the rest of our lives in peace and with our own lives being the focus. I don't have any more parenting in me. I feel like I'm crawling to home base, just trying to get around the diamond so I can make that run, but man, it's hard sometimes with a child at home at my age. You just have no idea how tired you can get until you get to be our age. I go to sports events at the HS and everyone there is half my age, their energy and vitality is fantastic, but I just don't have that youthful vitality anymore................I have enough for my own life, but I barely have enough for what a child requires..............and I'm really at the tail end now, you would be starting in what? The ninth grade? Yikes. Middle School. I want to run right out the door now for you! Middle School for teenage girls is a NIGHTMARE for the mother.........................oh my.................sorry..................I slipped into some old memories about Middle school and flipped out.

Anyway, that is my long winded appraisal of your life!!! So much easier for me to look into a window of your life and give you advice! But, Cedar, really, give this a lot of thought before you make any decisions. A lot of thought.

And, by the way, easy for your daughter to look back on all that you did and judge it and say you should have done what she is doing................what she is doing is selfish and self serving, she is not acting like a loving mother, she is acting like a party girl who wants to stay out late. Geez. My daughter left her 11 year old daughter home ALONE ALL NIGHT so she could party. And, then told my granddaughter never to tell ME. Good Lord.

Sending you truckloads of good thoughts and hugs my friend...............and prayers for guidance for you................

 

[recoveringenabler]

I was just thinking about how your daughter continues to "lose" her I.D.'s.......is it possible that in losing your I.D., in some real and practical ways, you cannot be a real grown up, you can't cash a check, rent a car, check in to a hotel, in other words, you are a child, you get to depend on others to continue to help you. It happens so often to many of the difficult child's here that it is starting to sound as if it is a ploy. It must have some kind of attraction or it wouldn't continue happening, I am not a believer in coincidence, I believe things happen for a reason.

And, with your daughter's recent decision to ship her remaining child off, she is now "free" to do what she wants. Freedom. That's what our daughter's want, freedom...... and yet, there is always someone paying for that freedom.........and it ain't them. It's their children and US.

 

[Childofmine]

RE, I think your words make sense. I am sorry, Cedar, that there is another "something" happening where you have to make a decision. That is so hard. What to do, what not to do? I don't know the answer. I do know you sound very tired. I get that.
What does taking care of yourself look like in this situation? Whatever that is, I hope you do that.

I wish we could save all of these people from themselves, and then save the others who are also hurting because of their behavior. I wonder if you can try the half-brother and see how that goes. Maybe she can visit you some and him some---summer is coming up.

Just a thought. Regardless of what you do, I can imagine that you are hurting. When you aren't numb. Please feel our hugs and our care and our empathy for you. You know we get it. And it just keeps on and on, and things happen we can't anticipate (thankfully). Focus on you, Cedar. Do nice things for YOU.

Yes, the ever-elusive IDs. I don't know about you but my driver's license has been in my wallet for about 10 years now. Never have lost it. But I don't live the kind of life they live. Right now my son also doesn't have his driver's license (again). He has a passport and a birth certificate, but no DL. It was stolen while he was on the street time before last. He said he hid his backpack but someone found it and got his ID. who knows?

So today he has been homeless for 40 days. I saw him today, took him his coat that I had washed. It was snowing here today---he called and asked if I could bring it by the day shelter. He said he slept in the abandoned house again last night and was tired. Tonight the SA has coldest nights so he is staying there.

I am working hard to just accept what is in front of my face. He is doing what he does. He is going to do it in the time frame that he does it in. If he decides that homeless is the way to go, then that is what he decides. It's hard to fathom, but there it is. It is what it is. I can't change it. He is surviving. And, I am slowing figuring out how to have a relationship with him, like this. He seems fine, balanced, calm, present. That is good. We say we love each other. That is good.

This weekend I am going away with two friends to a river house. We are going to hike, get massages, go to dinner, watch movies, talk, drink wine, sit on the deck over the river, sleep in our own bedrooms, read books. What could be better?

Life is good. It is what we make of it.

I am working hard on my blog--more than halfway there now. It is a really good thing and it's clearing my mind as well as my house.

I am grateful for all of the good things in my life today. I am grateful for the deep thoughts and counsel and listening on this site. What better respect and care can we give each other than to be present?

 

[in a daze]

I get it, that I am judged by those who managed to raise their children well, and are reaping the rewards of close and healthy families. Know how I know that, know how I know the taste of that?
Because there was a time when I was a judger, too. I was smug, sanctimonious, self righteous.
Then, the bottom fell out of the world.

Guilty of the above, Cedar. I blamed my brother and his wife and their dysfunctional marriage for the way their son, my nephew was acting. Violence, arrests, multiple psychiatric hospitalizations, drugs. But now the shoe is on the other foot, since said nephew has a good job and is engaged to be married, while his cousin, my son, struggles to be mentally stable and sober and to hold down a part time, minimum wage job.

I would not ever have predicted this outcome in a thousand years. He had depression and social withdrawl in high school which seemed to get better in college. No evidence, strangely, of substance abuse, and no drinking in high school, until age 21. He used to come back from college with funny stories about people who got drunk. He made fun of them. He was very anti drinking and did remark that his friends were always trying to get him to drink. Unbelieveable, right?

We have less control than we think.

 

[Echolette]

And what is it with them losing their I.D.? My husband has replaced it so many times.

What DOES happen to their ID's? our city must be littered my difficult child's IDs. At least now he replaces them himself.

And Cedar...I don't know the right answer for your granddaugher and you and husband, but I think you will feel your way to it. I read Recoverings post about raising teenagers again and it made me ...want to puke! and your comments about the money...we basically spent the equivalent of private high school and private college on our difficult child by the time he was 17 and then....we just stopped. His psychiatrist warned us early on that he had seen families bankrupt themselves and hurt their other kids. I saw my own sister ignore her neurotypical older son to try to save her very severely autisitic (read nonverbal not toilet trained) younger one...the older is 24 now, working part time in a warehouse, the younger is 22, 7 feet tall, no aides will work with him, and my sister is divorced and manages him alone. Lotta lives sacrificed to that young man. Those lessons have been very, very clear to me. Somehow cutting off the financial investment was easy. I thought...everyone else will go to college...so this much is fair.

The judging? That has been an amazing journey. All I can say is...I am kinder now, and I try to pass it forward. I know what it is to be shunned by neighbors, to have school districts turn their back. I try to step in to support families and parents and even the difficult child's of others (one was in my house just this evening) because I can be strong when they are weak because...I've been there.

And ya'll are my rocks along the way.

But Cedar...I am so so sorry you even have to think about these things. I am sorry you have to know this stuff about your daugher, and that you have to worry about your granddaughter. Read what all of us have to say. Take some walks and breathe deep. Keep posting...you may have resolved this already, I am just trying to catch up.

With strong hugs,

Echo