Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by luane, Sep 13, 2014.

  1. luane

    luane New Member

    Thank you for your reply, Midwest. I know you are right, he is exaggerating his distress to manipulate me.( My son, who is living in his car, came by today saying he was going to get heat stroke, etc. during our 104 degree heatwave) It was his decision not to get a better job to pay for a decent place, it was his decision not to go to a sober living (which we offered to help him pay for). It just feels kind of brutal knowing he's out there so miserable. I guess I need to remind myself that, perhaps, if he's so dang miserable, he will decide to DO something smart for himself to give himself a better life, instead of expect us to solve his problems. These difficult children really do a great job making us think they are helpless.I just want it to stop.
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  2. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I complained to my therapist about the roller coaster ride life had become when dealing with my difficult child son. His $150 per hour advice was this, " Do you like the ups and downs of the ride? If the answer is no, then get off the roller coaster and stay off." That was it.

    When my son was younger, I was financially responsible for any damage he caused, and I had to provide a place for him to live. He is no longer a kid. I owe him nothing. I can choose to gift him with food, clothing, money, and whatever else I feel comfortable with. It is a choice not an obligation and only if I want to.

    The manipulation stops when you decide you have had enough.
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  3. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Pas I love what your therapist said.

    What does getting off the merry go round actually look like, is my next thought and question?

    Is it letting the calls go to voice mail?
    Is it setting a time to see difficult child two weeks from now and keeping my distance between now and then?
    Is it working on myself during that time with the idea of getting stronger and stronger in my own recovery?
    Is it realizing that loving someone from a distance is sometimes the only way you can love that someone?
    Is it ignoring any voice mails that ask for help? Or finding the strength to just say no without explanation or further discussion?

    For me, today, this is what it means. This is what I need to do and want to do.

    Thanks Pas.

    Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
  4. luane

    luane New Member

    I have had enough of this roller coaster. I just wish my son would get the message. I like your specific ideas, COM. I like the idea of setting up a two week period with no contact, to let him know he is not alone, but we are not here to save him from his poor choices.
  5. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    I think it's this, a bit of emotional distance and a bit of physical distance, just far enough to be too far for the apron strings to reach, but close enough for the love and goodwill to still flow.
  6. luane

    luane New Member

    At this point, I am still the angry mother, who is putting up boundaries. He said some really cruel things last time he was here, and had no respect for our wishes for him to leave. It always seems to take a call to the police before he will leave. Once they come he is all reasonable and leaves calmly. Now we've said we will get a restraining order if necessary, and he has come to respect that. He called me after about a month the other day(before heat wave) and just said hi like nothing was wrong . I told him I didnt want to talk to him, that he hadn't even appologized. I said I loved him , but couldn't talk to him.He then said he didnt know what to appologize for. Amazing! Then after I said , "If you dont know then I'm hanging up". He said he guessed he should never have moved back in with us. I said yes. He then said he guessed he didnt know how to control himself around us. Yes, again!I hung up. I do have to wait to contact him, to even set up a further meeting with him, as he is now trying to get us to take him in out of the heat. The heat he is enduring, I have to keep reminding myself , from his poor choices. If I give him and inch right now , he will be all over us. I'm probably wrong, but I am hoping this is the worst we will have to endure for worry about him..
  7. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Child, It is whatever Gifts you feel comfortable giving. The gift can be answering the phone, providing rides, giving help, money, or whatever you feel is right. The Gift can be for yourself. No one else can determine those. A gift is given without expectations of anything in return.

    My GIFT to my son is that I will talk to him twice a week. That is enough for now.
  8. luane

    luane New Member

    I will think about all these wise responses, and try to be strong. I am hoping for a change of any kind for the better...we shall see..thanks everyone
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Luana, Im so sorry you are going through this with your son. It sure isnt what we expected when we held those tiny little babies in our arms all those years ago is it? We had such hopes and dreams for them.

    My son is now 2 years older than yours and he has basically screwed up any chance he had at fulfilling any of those hopes and dreams. One thing I think may be important from my perch looking back is that those were my hopes and dreams not his. I never really worked with him to set goals for himself because he was so disabled from such a very early age - both mentally and physically. I shouldnt have let that stop me. His brother who is 2 years older had a goal from the time he was 8 that he was going to be a Marine and once he set his eyes on that goal, he never wavered. He is my most average kid but also my most successful kid in life. I am working hard with my grandchildren to think ahead to what they want to do with their lives. Not just play video games and have

    Now though, that is all in the past and we have to deal with these adult kids who are troubled.

    You have to find what works for you and what you can live with. None of us on here knows your exact situation so all we can tell you is what has worked for us or even somewhat worked for us. Sometimes we can tell you what has not worked for We are not experts or we wouldnt need to be here. Also remember that no two people are alike so you have to remember to apply your knowledge and experience with your son when considering whether to implement something you read on here.

    Also remember different places in our wonderful country have different services for the homeless. I am envious of what I read on here for some places. We have next to nothing here. We just got our first soup kitchen which is only open 3 days a week. No shelters and no place for showers and such. There are no case managers to help them. And if you want to get into public housing or section 8, you cant have a record no matter what it is. I can understand not allowing murderer's, rapists, or child molesters in but my kid forged checks on me 7 years ago. Nothing violent ever. He has no place to go and he is the main caregiver for an almost 3 year old little girl. I could feel much better putting him out if he had a place to go that would take him and his child but there isnt any place like that so he is basically a tenant in a home I dont live in. I dont help him with anything else other than letting him rent our house.

    Anyway, what I am saying is that you have to decide what to do. What to take from the advice offered here.
  10. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    I firmly believe that until you have tried everything you can think of under the sun, you (we) will keep trying, hoping one day something will sink in. I know I did, after all these are the people we love most in the world.

    My day that I cut the apron string and threw away the apron came after a 3 to 4 month conn where he was trying to finish a semester in college and was homeless. I was jumping through hoops trying to get him money and listening to him tell me he was hungry most of the time, but was studying in the streets to finish this semester.

    All of it was a lie, he was back with girlie, had dropped out of school and they were partying with MY money. This made me step back and take a very good long look at myself. I thought I had stopped enabling, but I sure fell for that 'I'm hungry and your the only person I have that loves me' manipulation. AGAIN!!!

    My difficult child has gotten worse after a relationship with another difficult child. She I controlling and he is a follower. Both think the world owes them big time!

    As I experienced, and I have read over and over from others, once you reach a point of putting you first, they know it, and it can be a very stressful dramatic time. Mine posted death threats on FB, threatened suicide to me, and went no contact for about a year.

    Now, he still lies about everything, and I only hear from him infrequently with emails. He says he has a job BUT deep down I know him and girlie are panhandling and spending their money on drugs and groupies following their fav band.

    I lie to most of my family and never discuss it with most. The only people that know the truth are his sister and my husband of 15 years. Close relatives have 40yo difficult child living on their sofa and a 30yo still at home, girlie has moved in with 3 kids and is not working. I'm not doing it, they feel they have to and complain about it none stop!

    My son was difficult from birth and school was a nightmare from day one. He is gifted and can manipulate and conn the best lol! I can't blame it on girlie BUT together they are much worse than apart. She has convinced him that if I loved him I would be sending him money etc.

    I do not send gifts any more for Christmas or his birthday. It is really out of my hands as he will not give me an address. I'm positive my son has some mental issues, also positive that the drugs make them worse. We can't help someone that doesn't want help! My 36yo and is 40yo girlie would be very happy living on my sofa with me supporting them. They were living with her mother, but it appears she got tired of it too!

    This is a sad situation that for some strange reason is affecting more and more parents! Take it one day at a time, and continue to take care of YOU. I think the guilt and the 'what ifs' are the hardest to overcome. The sad days still come, but overall I am MUCH happier and my health issues are under control!
    (((hugs and blessings)))
    Last edited: Sep 15, 2014
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think it is happening more and more. Has anyone seen the US Cellular commercial where these two grown kids...maybe early to mid 30's go into the store with their parents who appear to be about early 60's and the salesman tells the younger two adults that the plan is $130 a month for 4 lines and 10 gigs of shared data. The "kids" say to their parents something like "see Mom and Dad, we can save you money with this plan!" The father pipes up saying "You could save me MORE money if you and your sister would just move out!" The brother and sister look at each other and stammer "but we wont be doing that! Lets get this plan."

    I always think of our kids when I see that commercial.
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  12. luane

    luane New Member

    Thank you, Tired and DJ. Well last night he was calling and we didn't answer after a couple of short calls. He called his brother, who lives out of the area, and was very angry at my husband and me. He then threatened suicide, and was sounding mentally off. His brother got very upset and was able to talk him into going to the emergency room. So, all day long I was trying to "Let go and let God", not to terribly successfully. Again, I suffered all day thinking about him, trying to do my job but very miserable. The heat is the most worrying. I know Midwest Mom gave me some very smart thoughts about him getting himself out of the heat, but I knew he was probably, and did admit to his brother , that he drink two enormous beers-lets get dehydrated, and crazier! Anyway he went to emergency and they gave him some Xanex and let him go. So, my son talked to him a few mins ago and difficult child told my son he'd been looking for a better job (problem just online)today. He said he called his boss and asked for a higher paying post and his boss said he'd check around. (Sorry this is so wordy, I just feel the need to spell it out - so forgive me, please). So, he survived the day and night in the 104 degree heat in his car, or somewhere-who knows. I guess maybe this was a good step????He screwed up last night , but today tried, however lamely, to improve his situation himself. Maybe I am so tortured by all this that I see hope in the lamest things, but I feel slightly better. I also found they do have Alanon on nearby and will try to change my class schedule to get to a meeting. Thanks for listening. Take care all of you, may we all find peace.