So Matt, for now, is in phosph, escorted there by the sheriff dept. Nice. It is the third time he was escorted by the police to this same phosph in Idaho in a year. I believe that is his own new personal record. I guess the good news, is that his Dr does want him back in the program, however, Matt is apathetic and despondent to that idea. In fact he is completely apathetic to life at this point. He knows he can never live with me, again - and I think he knows deep inside that he has no clue how to lead his own life, solo - but yet he certainly does not want to live in his program either. I really have no idea what is going to happen when he gets back out of the phosph. Will he try and run again, because he is just fed up with his life - and this time will he try and kill himself - or do something so outrageous they will not let him back in the program? Or will he finally get his act together? I don't know. And I guess I cannot worry about something that is so out of my control. Yet internally this is eating at me. My dilemma in true detachment - is that the doctors and treatment team keep pulling me into Matt's world. I mean how can I truly detach, when the Dr phones to dump on me all the crummy stuff Matt is doing. What the heck am I supposed to say or do with that info? "Thanks for sharing - but frankly I don't give a d@mn?" I really don't want to hear if he was a bear to the staff, and the staff don't like him. Or that he ripped up the car interior on the ride to phosph and so now the car is in the shop, blah, blah. "That blows Dr U, send me the bill." I feel like they are telling me this stuff to somehow make me feel guilty and responsible for his actions - and yet - I am not. These statements do not help me be a better mom to Matt - they only make me feel horrible and helpless and embarrassed. Yes, I suppose I could tell the treatment team to not tell me these things - but I don't think they will listen to me. The other part is that the treatment team has decided that I am part of the problem - which I probably am. I know I tend to enable Matt, and try to fix his problems. I know I am overly mama bear-ish, and want to knock the stuffing out people who wrong my kid. And I know that is not what is helpful to Matt. However, the doctors also put things on me that are not my fault. For instance the Dr told me that they could not help Matt until I trusted every member of their team. And until I could do that, things were not going to work. Well, they say that because I have communicated my disappointment in them not listening to me, and taking action on some of my concerns. They say that because I communicated my disappointment in the fact that his counselors do not return my phone calls, or forget to call when scheduled, or forget to schedule family therapy, etc. How is it exactly that I am supposed to trust a team that is irresponsible? Just accept the fact they are irresponsible? Just not care if they return my phone calls or take actions about my concerns? Just not have concerns, and try to be perfectly Zen about every single thing that comes my way? I don't know. I think I also feel super despondent and apathetic at this point. I had a trip planned and a plane ticket purchased for Matt to come visit for his birthday next week - and now he cannot come because the doctors think it will too destabilizing. However, this is the second birthday in a row I have not been able to see him, and that he has been in an institution. That stinks. I am sure it will be the second Thanksgiving and Christmas as well that I won't be able to see him. That makes me super sad. I had to try and fed ex some last minute presents to him and hope they get there in time. And truthfully, I don't think Matt even cares about his birthday, which makes me even more sad. He told me last night he doesn't want to come home anymore because it was too depressing. Wow. Truthfully, all I can think of that statement is what the doctors keep telling me - I truly am part of the problem. I make everything worse. I am so sick of this. I am so sick of treatment teams, and hospitals and doctors. I just want Matt to be out on his own trying to make things work on his own (not that that is realistic). No really - I am SUPER sick of doctors and treatment teams. I think they are all stupid, taxing, accusatory, defensive, pompous, and lack empathy. Grrrr. And truly how do you detach when you have these ding dongs so involved in every aspect of your kids life, pulling you in, wanting you to do XYZ? OMG. So sick of them. Anyway. Thanks for listening to my long rambling post. And thanks for your prayers and good thoughts for Matt and me.