Mourning the loss of innocence

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by vligrl, Apr 5, 2012.

  1. vligrl

    vligrl New Member

    Hello again. Spent part of tonight looking at photos of my son growing up with my heart breaking for him and me. The sweet boy in the picture when he was 10 with his arms wrapped around my neck with so much love in his eyes and now he barely utters a word to me. Blames us for not paying his cell phone bill, not wanting to pay for yet another round of Community College in a state other than ours to live with his best friend that will be going to a University, while he is failing all but one class in his second attempt at his first semester here. No job but has replied to a few places on line, going to court tomorrow for what could be a felony charge but probably reduced to probation. I just wish I knew when the switch went off and lost the love of my life. I barely recognize him anymore. He feels badly that he has failed us and makes me cry. He wished he had never been born and wrote a letter to me saying as much and why didn't I just kill him instead of giving birth.

    He started taking Wellbutrin a few weeks ago but his mood at home seems worse especially when we restricted his car use and sold his car due to not working, failing classes and smoking pot. I found a therapist that he saw for the first time this week. One of many he has seen through the years. I leave a pill for him in the bathroom every morning but have no idea if he is really taking it. The therapist did share with me that she is suggesting he start taking responsibility for his own life and not be so reactive. Start planning what he wants out of life. All I hear is he can't wait to get out of here and move in with his friend, start over and make new friends in a new state. We will not be funding this move and he knows it. It just kills me inside to see what he is NOT doing with his life and why he doesn't seem to care. Why is he still going to Jr. College if he is not willing to do the work that is required all the time, not sometime? He is still so immature for his age which will be 19 in one month. I can't imagine him surviving on his own, keeping a job long enough to pay bills, his friend putting up with his lack of motivation and money. He hasn't worked since Dec. We rarely give him any money and he rarely asks knowing the answer. Just waiting for him to grow up and show some responsibility and wake up, but in the meantime, my heart keeps breaking and I miss my son.
  2. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    I have felt the same way many times about my son. He is 34 in a few months and still is making poor choices, and very immature. He picks the same type as him for relationships and all but 1 has expected us to financially support them. The last one I asked zero questions and didn't meet her for a whole year. He quit his job so they could go to college full time. At first they were working part time jobs. He lies and is manipulative, he knows what I want to hear.

    Then it starts, the emails from her requesting money because he has quit his job and she thinks we should support them. The harrassing phone calls, this one was the worse yet and she tried to get the entire family wrapped up in their drama.

    I had to call the police to stop her. She has harrassed all of his friends too so no one wants anything to do with him. That may be a good thing lol!!!

    He had been telling me for about 4 months that he was homeless but trying to stay in school. He was on the Dean's List so I was helping him finish the semester and then I was going to tell him he had to go part time, I am retired and can not support him.

    It was all a lie! They had a fight and she kicked him out for 2 weeks then he went back. After I called the police I called the mother (she works for the police and the officer gave me the nunber to contact her) she told me the truth. He is making good grades, but they party a lot, fight a lot, he cuts himself and threatens suicide. The girl (37yo) was put in detox and he Baker Acted himself.

    He really is living on the streets now. I offered to pay for a hotel until he found a place to stay but he never called back. He wanted the money, not a hotel room. He emailed me after a few weeks, one line asking for money and I ignored it. He just emailed last week saying he was in another town, I have no clue who or what he is with. I just reponded good to hear from you.

    I am so tired of him and his drama! But I have finally realized my dream for my gifted son may not ever happen. I am ashamed of him and embarrassed by his actions. The mother had cancer and the 2 of them were not working. I just can't wrap my head around his thinking, or lack of. I hide it from my family and some of them would be very upset about my not rescuing him. His sister and my husband know, that's all. He is so much like his worthless father that it is scary! The father deserted us and I raised them myself. My guilt for working so much to support us was used against me for a long time. No more!!

    This book has helped me a great deal. I am trying very hard to let him go with love. Some days are easier than others and I am weepy. It is his life and I am so thankful there are no children involved. My son was clean and sober for one year and the difference was amazing. Part of it is him, but add the drugs and alcohol to the mixture and it is a disaster.

    It's my only son too, so I understand your heartbreak. You can't go back so don't play 'what if' I played that game far too long. You are allowed to grieve for what you lost, but I'm afraid we have to accept them as they are and move forward. As painful as that is, sadly, it is the only way. We can not control their lives, only they can.
    (((blessings and peace for us all)))
  3. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I am so sorry you are hurting. I am also surprized that a doctor would perscribe Welbutrin to someone using pot. Both of these drugs raise the dopimine levels in the brain. Too much dopamine can cause many different side effects including:

    suspicious personality
    withdrawal from social situations
    increased impulsive behavior
    prolactin inhibition, which can lead to reproductive issues. delayed development, and decreased immunity
    skin irritation
    rapid heart beat

    Extremely high levels of dopimine can lead to gangrene of the fingers and toes (especially in diabetics) and anaphalyxis