moving on!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by standswithcourage, Jan 13, 2008.

  1. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Well I tried to come up with a catchy topic but this is all I came up with! I guess I am moving on. I am trying to move past the chaos and drama that happens when I put myself back into the mess and try to fix everything. It is easier when I dont try and jump back in. I am getting better at saying I dont know that I have ever been. I know it is out of my hands and that God will open a door somewhere if my difficult child is willing to accept it. God cant make us do things - we have to be willing to be open to it. My daughter and I had a good time today walking her dog around my neighborhood. I really enjoy being with her. I miss fun times. I will let things run their course. Thanks for everyones posts. :flower:
  2. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Great post, Susan!
  3. Scent of Cedar II

    Scent of Cedar II New Member

  4. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member


    I'm so glad to hear you sounding so strong, Susan.

    All the best,
  5. Star*

    Star* call 911


    Nice to see when hearts are lifted! :you_go_girl:

  6. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Yes I hope I can live up to it!!! Today I talked to the PD. It takes forever to get through to him. He said he would leave him in jail and not bond out. He said if we had a place for him to go that wouldnt release him that would be different but if a place doesnt take any stuff it could be bad for him. Also he said that addiction to prescription drugs is hard. He is pushing for Drug Court. The ministry man c alled me today and said he talked to the PO and the PO said if we wanted to take him to a rehab - so be it. That makes it hard for me but I know I dont have the money and I cant trust what he says. It would be nice if it were the first go around but it isnt. See I am already talking about it but I wont anymore today! I am going to Alanon tonight. I am not really sure Drug Court is good either. You have a job and the program is for 18 month and if you get a dirty drug test you are back in jail. It is kinda outpatient. He is not coming here to do that. I cant stand it. He would have to go to a halfway house or something where he could be around people wantinig to recover and doing what he is doing. Anyway, that is my story today. I will try to be moving on but you never know! :dont_know:
  7. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Well he called again tonight. Asking why we have forgotten him. Can we get him out and send him to rehab - he will probably go to prison if we dont get him out - can we send money - why am I being difficult - do we just want him to sit there - all these questions to make me feel guilty - sometimes they do but I told him we tried - we never wanted you to be there - you put yourself there - I dont have money to bail you out and what if you are not serious - what are your goals I said to hiim - he said to get a car and a girlfriend and an apartment - I said what about staying off drugs? He said yes that too - I cant believe him - I just hear him fromwhere he is and I know he is tired of sitting there - I would be - but what am I supposed to do - he wants me to call the PO and see if they can send him to rehab - I am trying to move on - I am more detached about the situation than I was I just dont want to be so stubborn that I pass up an opportunity to help him! I told hiim all the times we had put him in rehab - sent him and taken him only for him to be kicked out because he wasnt READY!!! I am so sick of hearing that. So what am I going to do when he does get out? I will still have to be strong. The thing that always got me was telling him he couldnt come home. That to me was so very hard. A mother always wants her kids to come home - that is where the light of love is supposed to be - but that is the hardest part for me. My emotions totally take over! :dont_know:
  8. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Hang in there Susan

    It sounds to me like your son is turning up the intensity, hoping you'll cave in. You've taught him over the years that if he asks, whines, manipulates and behaves badly, then eventually you will bail him out of trouble. Now that you're not reacting according to the old pattern, he's confused and will try harder to get his way.

    A few months ago there was a thread in PE about things to say to your difficult child when you are detaching. I suspect that you can find it in the archives.

    What I would suggest is that you print out the list, go through each of the things your son has been saying to you, and pick out one or more responses that suit the situation. Even say the phrases out loud, so that they feel natural and comfortable. Then, when your son phones to ask for things, or make demands on you, you'll be ready with things to say.

    It's really hard when you're trying to change old patterns, especially if you're caught off guard, or when your emotions are running high. By preparing and practising ahead of time, the detached answers will become second nature and will roll off your tongue automatically.

    Think of it this have fire drills at school when there is no real emergency, so that you, the other teachers and the students are familiar with the process. If there ever is a real fire, everyone will be ready and will know what to do.

    Preparing a list of detachment answers ahead of time is like a difficult child fire drill. When your difficult child strikes the match, you will be ready and you will know what to do.

    You've shown such progress and strength in your new approach to dealing with your son. Keep up the good work. You can do it.

    All the best,
  9. WiscKaren

    WiscKaren New Member

    Oh, how this topic brings back memories. When my son would be in jail, he would call and make promise after promise. I always fell for it too. And the letters he would write, wow -- he was changing for the better!!

    And then I'd get him home. The first week was usually full of promises (and hope). After that, it would go downhill. He'd sleep all day, make noise all night, come and go as he pleased (at night), leave his dirty laundry laying on the bathroom floor, etc. etc. etc.

    The last time he was arrested, I made him sit. After he was released, he did come back home. Within two months, I was at my wits end -- and told him to get out. It was time for him to go. I don't regret doing that either. It was either him or me.

    Please don't let the guilt get to you. I know that is easier said than done. But guilt can let us make some decisions that we will regret later.

    Be strong!!!
  10. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Hi Karen - I just posted to you! It seems we are one and the same! Thanks for posting that - it makes me feel stronger. I know you are right - but I just hate that feeling I get.
  11. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    What happened to "Moving on"?

    His goals are to get a car an apartment and a girlfriend? OK, does he have a plan as to how to achieve this?

    Sorry, but he is so F O S his eyes must be dark brown.

    This is what you need to practice.





    Don't say "I'm sorry." Don't say "I don't know." Don't say "I'll call so and so for you." If he's got a phone to call you, he can call the darned PO himself and make whatever arrangements he can for himself.

    Do not engage in discussion about what you might be able to do for him. You are going to do nothing for him. I'm sorry, but if you can't afford $500 to bail him out, what in the heck makes him think you have the money to put him in rehab? It's not free, even with insurance.

    You're right. You didn't put him there. He can get his own sorry behind out. I guarantee you, once you stop the discussion, he'll stop calling and bugging you about it, and you won't feel guilty anymore.
  12. Scent of Cedar II

    Scent of Cedar II New Member

    I think you are handling this part with grace and courage, Stands.

    Trinity is right.

    We need to expect the kids to turn up the heat as we take steps to change the nature of our interactions from the old, dysfunctional patterns to healthy ~ or at least, healthier ~ new ones.

    Sending strength, Stands.

    It is through questioning ourselves that we learn how to create the change that needs to happen in our relationships with our grown children.

    You are doing just what you need to do, I think.

  13. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I am going to see him tomorrow. It has been almost a month now. I havent had any calls from him lately. Probably because there is no money in his account. Think about me and think courage! Thanks
  14. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Courage! :warrior:
    You can do it, Susan. Don't have all the CD warrior parents in your corner, cheering you on and sending you strength.

    Say it to yourself until you believe it, "I CAN do this"

    All the best,
  15. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Well this visit was terrible. I went to see him and he says he is so sick of sitting here and working in the kitchen. He started by saying something or someone was getting on his nerves. Then I asked him if he was taking his medicine and he said no but he had been buying klonopin and he snorted oxycontin the other day!!! He also said he took an Ultram for pain. I almost walked out. I started to and he said I am just kidding mom!!! Still I cant stand it. I told him I had come to see him because I love him and he tells me this and then says he wants me to bail him out - right! Then I just told him he needed to help himself - I will call the see if someone else besides me would get him out and send him to rehab as long as he had the order that if he screws up he will be back in there! He kept saying that being where he is is not doing him any good - I reminded him about how he got there! It almost seemed as if we were arguing and I just lost it and cried. I didnt want to do that because I was prepared to be strong. Then he said he was sorry he had hurt my feelings. I said I didnt see any remorse for doing the things he had done for 8 years. He said Drug Court would not be good for him because we wouldnt be able to take him to all his appointments and I said he wouldnt be living at home - somewhere else that would. He said someone went down the road the other day for 15 years with the same charge he has - that is just to scare me I know so I am tired of being stressed about it - when I left he got teary eyed and told me he loved me - but I think we are not good together - when he was little he was the apple of everyones eye - I doted on him constantly and now I am seeing that I believe it was sick - not that Idont love him very much but that when we talk he abuses me somehow. I wind up getting so upset. I hate it when that happens. I will pray and go to Alanon!
  16. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    {{{{{Hugs}}}}} Susan, I'm so sorry that your visit with our difficult child was terrible, but I suspect that deep inside you knew it would be.

    It just doesn't seem to me as though your son has learned anything from being in jail yet. He's doing and saying things to manipulate you and pull at your heart, so that he can get his way.

    Honestly, I think the best thing you can do for yourself, and ultimately for your son, is to stay away from him for a while. Don't take his calls, don't make phone calls or write letters or do anything else on his behalf, and most importantly, don't go and visit him in jail.

    While he's in jail, you know that he's safe, has shelter and food, a firm structure, and NO ACCESS TO DRUGS. If you take any steps to get him out of jail when he's so clearly not ready, then you are enabling him to keep doing drugs, keep hurting you and keep hurting himself.

    When you keep clear of your difficult child you sound so strong and full of joy, but everytime you go back he seems to drag all the life and joy out of you.

    It's time to let go and let God.

    Saying prayers for strength and peace for you, and sense for your son.
  17. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    thanks Trinity! You are right about the way I sound. Why does he tell me he is doing drugs in there? I am sure there are inmates that have prescriptions they are not taking. Probably my difficult child is paying them out of his canteen money. I cant keep doing this - I always get the same results.
  18. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    They do get drugs in there...there are crooked guards, other prisoners sneak them in, etc. The list can be endless about how they get them. I still dont understand the idea about you taking in an outside rx of xanax but maybe your jail allows that...none that I have ever heard of would. All that I have heard of or had contact with would require him to see their doctor and get the script.

    Im going to say something here and it may sound odd coming from me after what I have done with my son and bailing him out...DONT DO IT! Dont even consider it! I wouldnt do it again on a bet. I am so regretting the fact that I even fell for his pleas. No he hasnt jumped bail but he hasnt learned a darn thing about what happens when you act stupid and do stupid things. In other words...he still thinks the world revolves around him and he can act like a jerk and its ok. He has no (whats the word?) about what his actions have on other people. He just doesnt get it and I dont think he will until he is forced to come face to face with some harsh consequences. Maybe not even then but I wouldnt save him again on a bet. He has broken the law several times since he got out and I am just waiting for them to come pick him up. I know a neighbor has taken out papers on him for property damage. He got mad at this neighbor for her dog attacking keyana and the neighbor yelling at the baby...which was all normal and fine...he could be mad and yell at her and say she couldnt see the baby again...what was wrong was to break the womans window! You cant do that sort of thing and he sees nothing wrong with his reaction to what happened! I cant understand it.

    Oh well...leave your son to learn. It doesnt help to save them. I have had to learn that. No matter how hard I have tried to help mine he keeps making the same mistakes time after time.
  19. Scent of Cedar II

    Scent of Cedar II New Member

    When I began changing my responses to our difficult child, the same kinds of things happened, to the point that, when husband was out of the room, difficult child roared at me that things WOULD be the way he wanted them.

    And had husband not been the strong one then, difficult child would probably have gotten his way too, because I got popped into that fugue state that always used to happen to me when I would try to make sense out of what difficult child was saying and doing and expecting.

    He can still pop me into that shocked place.

    But that is okay, Stands. difficult child did not pop you into it far enough that you relented on paying bail.

    That's a really important measure of progress, I think.

    I don't hear anywhere in there that you empathized with your difficult child in his complaints about the kitchen, either.

    That's good, and another really important step forward for you, Stands.

    We need to remember to give ourselves a pat on the back after episodes like this. Remember back to the days when you would have been chasing after everything difficult child wanted you to do ~and remember the outcome, when you did do what he asked.

    As rough as this has been for you, you are getting stronger and seeing more clearly.

    I know it hurts, and I'm sorry, Stands.

  20. DiC

    DiC New Member

    Stands with courage, I am so sorry. One thing I can add with absolute certainty is there are drugs in prison. sometimes the access is better than on the outside. Hugs and prayers to keep you strong.:angel: