My 25 Year Old Daughter is a Brat and Lives With Me

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Michele Dreer, May 23, 2016.

  1. Michele D

    Michele D New Member

    My 25 year old daughter lives with me and is a complete brat. When she was a child we got along great. I worked full time but always attended school functions, made sure she and her younger brother were in extracurricular activities, I was both their girl scout and boy scout leaders, had sleep overs, did activities and crafts, went on vacations, spent time with our extended families. We were a very typical middle-class family.

    My ex-husband, their father, was abusive to our son and we eventually divorced when she was 13 and he was 9. To my husband, our son could do nothing right, "why couldn't he be more like his sister" who always behaved and got good grades. To date, my son has both emotional and mental health issues because of the abuse.

    After the divorce is when things began to get worse between my daughter and I. Their dad saw them occasionally but I was their primary caregiver. He was too busy drinking, partying, and traveling for them.
    Money was tight and my kids never had brand name items but we did things together and I told them every day I loved them. To this day, they both live with me and I still tell them I love them every day.

    When my daughter was 18 and my son was 14 we moved into my boyfriends house. It was quite a step up from what we were used to as his income was significantly higher than mine. He had a daughter that was 15 and was extremely spoiled - $200 jeans, destroyed or lost her iPhones were constantly replaced without consequences, she slept around with everyone in school, and she would swear at her dad and call him a "f*ing d**k". She took clothes, jewelry and other things from my daughters room and even mine. She had 12 points on her license and a totaled car - her punishment was another car. She was handed everything and my kids had to earn things. They paid their portion of their cell phone bill and auto insurance. The step-daughter paid nothing. Our parenting styles were completely different and as you can imagine this put an incredible strain on the entire household.

    At 18, the step-daughter began stripping at clubs, drinking, doing drugs, and had some involvement with the police. The last round with the police was a criminal case that went on for 13 months, had her car impounded (which it's still there) and could have landed her in prison for many, many years. The case was dropped a couple weeks ago. Of course, dad paid the attorney, tethers, probation, and counseling fees totaling $20,000. He put her through beauty at $21,000 and she decided against it - she didn't even pass the exam to get her license. A month ago we learned she was pregnant from her boss who is married with 5 kids. She quit her job. No worries - dad is supporting her and just bought her a 2016 SUV.

    Don't get me wrong, the dad is a great person but he cannot handle conflict and gives in. Through all these years we discussed the problems but he could not get his daughter to conform so we could live peacefully as a family. My daughter blames me because I "let" this go on. I can assure you I didn't allow it and it became such a problem that my relationship with my daughter was practically destroyed and my relationship with my fiance' was non-existent. I had an affair which then created more problems between everyone. My kids no longer talked to me and only talked to my fiance'. The step-daughter was sent to live with her mom. After 6 months of conflict, I told my fiance' we were moving out. We would continue to see each but I needed to fix my relationship with my kids.

    We have been in our own place for 2 months now. The first couple weeks were good but now my daughter is snotty to me again. She says I never validate her feelings, don't include her in anything and always think of her as an afterthought. Her example is we are going to visit my niece who is in town for the day. I told her 1 1/2 weeks in advance yet when I reminded her and said the plans haven't been finalized she was mad at me because I am not taking into consideration whether this works for her. My niece will be available tonight for 4 hours of visiting. I didn't plan the event and I am a guest like everyone else. This isn't about my daughter - it's about visiting her cousin. My step-daughter is not invited because of my daughter's dislike and anger toward her. The step-daughter feels hurt because she is left out and since going through this court experience and being pregnant she is really trying to do the right thing. She even apologized to my daughter and tried to fix things with her but my daughter refused.

    This weekend was my daughter's boyfriends birthday. She wanted the perfect cake and was going to order it so it had the design she wanted. It wouldn't be the type of cake he wanted however. I suggested the multi-layer chocolate cake from Costco, which was exactly what he wanted and to get a rice paper emblem for the top. She was thrilled with the idea. I made the design for her. She loved it. The cake store had a problem printing it in the correct color. We went to another cake store and she wasn't happy with them either. I was able to make it work exactly how she wanted it and spent alot of time working on this so it would be perfect. Was she happy? No, it was all my fault for suggesting the cake in the first place. When I told her it looked great she shrugged. When his family beamed about how awesome and nice the cake was she remained quiet. She practically ignored me through the dinner.

    I have been working over 50 hours a week and she is now accusing me of sleeping around instead of working. I've pulled overnighter's and worked 16-20 hours straight and offered for her to come to my work to see how far behind I am and that I could really use the help. Two weeks ago I told her if she plans to live in my house she needs to be respectful. I told her I do not need to justify my actions to her. I am working hard to put a roof over our heads. This past week has been pure hell and I am tired of it.

    Today, she told my boyfriend (I gave him back his rings) that we are to blame for her and Megan's issues and as soon as she finds a better job she is moving out. I know her and her boyfriend are saving for a house which I am very supportive of but I cannot tolerate the disrespect. I am planning on telling her that she needs to find another place to live and give her either 30 or 60 days.

    I've never used a blog before and am hoping for some insight. I love my daughter very much and don't want to lose her but cannot continue to allow or tolerate the disrespect. Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!
     
  2. runawaybunny

    runawaybunny Administrator Staff Member

    Welcome @Michele D

    Your situation is pretty complicated but one thing is clear to me. You are working hard and trying to keep it together. I'm sorry your daughter is giving you such a hard time.

    I'm going to move your thread into our Parent Emeritus forum where we discuss our kids who are over 18. You'll be more likely to get responses there.
     
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Your daughter in my opinion needs to get a life of her own and move out as she threatened. I feel it would be for the best. Why does your fiance listen to your daughters disrespect? Maybe he's not really Mr. Right.

    Your daughter is 25, well beyond the age when she should live with you. I hope she pays all of her own bills.

    Get into therapy and figure out how to best care for yourself. You matter. A lot. You don't need this adult data gutter poking into your business and your fiance could tell her that he doesn't want to listen to her. He can say it nicely. But he could set boundaries with her as can you.

    That was my opinion. As always, take from every bit of advice what resonates with you and leave the rest.

    Sorry your daughter is acting this way. Welcome to the forum :)
     
    Last edited: May 23, 2016
  4. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I can only respond briefly as I need to run to do errands but wanted to get back to you first.

    I think the issue is boundaries. It seems to me that everybody is too wrapped up in everybody's life and business.

    I think the idea that daughter move out makes sense. Even if she were respecting you it is time that she establish an independent living situation, and that you regain the authority in your own home.

    You do not have to defend yourself as a mother. What is past, is past. You deserve respect regardless of what came before, just because.
    She is entitled to her feelings, she is not entitled to rag on you in your own home. One time is enough. She can say it one time, and you listen. She can go to therapy to discuss it further.

    There needs to be boundaries. Moving out will help.
    Why do you allow this? How does she get to comment upon your personal life? This is what I mean. Get a grip. You have authority as a mother, take it.

    You have moved out of the boyfriend's house. Anything that transpires between the two of you, and between you and anybody else, is not the concern of your daughter. She can have her feelings about it, even judgmental and critical ones. She can decide she wants distance from you. But she does not appropriately get to disrespect you.
    I agree with you completely.
     
    Last edited: May 23, 2016
  5. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly Active Member

    You have lot going on in last few years; lots of changes with family dynamics, divorce, moving in with boyfriend, who has a spoiled brat for a daughter. I was wondering about your son, how is he doing in all of this?

    Couple of things- boyfriend never set boundaries with his daughter and gives her the moon. She could probably rip the heart of a small child and he would be beaming with joy. I am sure he is guilty with his divorce and tries to make it up to daughter by giving her anything and everything.

    I think you made the right decision moving out of boyfriend's house- to take care of your children. But also, because he has some issues with his daughter and his need to give her everything...except the one thing she really needs which is accountability.

    Your daughter, I agree with others. She is at the age to be on her own. YOUR house, you deserve respect. She doesn't get to brow beat you about your life, where you are at, what you are doing, etc. I am sure it's part of a trust issue, since you mentioned an affair, but still you are the parent and you working providing for her. So either she zips her lips and starts giving you respect or tell her you think its time she be on her own...and you will even help her pack and "bake her a cake" <sarcasm>. Hang in there- and welcome. Many of us have days where we just want to light our hair on fire in dealing with our Difficult Child's.
     
  6. youngfool

    youngfool Member

    Welcome to the site you will be amazed at the people here. I have to agree with the thought that your daughter needs to move out its time. Taking control of your home that you work hard to have should be your priority. You will feel so much better knowing you did the right thing. But doing the right thing is rarely easy. There will be guilt and I'm sure push back on her part. You need to be ok with yourself stay healthy and take a step back. You can't change the past but it sounds like your a good person or you would not be here. We all want the best for our kids but we also have the right to be happy. Right now your daughter is calling the shots in your happiness. She needs to support you not judge you. So take control of your happiness and well being. Anyway welcome to the club
     
  7. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    I am sorry all this happened to you. Step parenting, or step fiance-ing, or step boyfriending/girlfriending ain't easy. You two might have done just fine if there weren't kids on the picture...but there were. I personally think you were incredibly brave and did the right thing to move out and work on your relationship with your kids.

    Your daughter, on the other hand, is quite free with the criticism and blame for some one who is living off her mama at age 25!! She is acting like a (young) teenager. Why were you involved in her boyfriends cake at her age? Goodness, all she should do with that is say "thank you so much!"

    Its time to cut those apron strings and let her move on with her life. She doesn't really sound like a classic Difficult Child....more of a delayed launch. Launch her and see how she does. If she has to take care of her own house, and her own boyfriend's cake, she'll have less time to (inappropriately) criticize you.

    I saw this with sympathy, since my 12 year old son felt free to opine about my dating life, and I let him (at the time). I feel you.
     
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