Mattsmom277
Active Member
So most know I've cut all contact from my bipolar mother. She's so toxic and in a flux of stability and after a life time of being the mother to my mother, forcing her hospitalizations against her will (no simple task), the pain she's caused with a cruel streak (I attritube to HER, not her BiPolar (BP), just who she is even when stable on medications etc), her destruction of my extended family etc, I just threw in the towel and have no contact.
her only remaining contact to any family at all is my brother, who avoids all unpleasantness. They live only doors apart so he puts up with a lot, but when the shoe falls, he disappears, avoids etc. He has never and will never stick around when she is really delusional etc.
Anyhow, i swore I wouldn't feel guilt, shame, neglectful, a pitiful excuse for a daughter etc the next time she went off her medications (voluntarily) and "lost the plot". I had heard recently through my bro's flavor of the week g/f (sadly so nice a woman I want to warn her off lol) that my mother has become very paranoid. Screens all calls although with her 5th new phone number in 7 months, only my brother has the number (and me, since despite not in contact with her, she goes through phases of dialing my house sometimes a dozen times in a day so I have the number on the call display). Has started locking front and back doors, including storm doors, keeping all blinds shut and has put up heavy curtains over top. Only my brother goes to her door, she peeps and takes ages to feel "Safe" first before she'll open the door for him. I felt truly saddened hearing this, however I've seen it before and often she gets balanced back out on her own before things to too far.
She hadn't called in a week or more. It felt like a nice break from the incessant ringing of the phone that I'll not answer once I see her number on display. It upsets me when she gets to doing the crazy phone dialing thing. Yesterday had several calls in the day. In the evening 2-3 more. My brother and his g/f came for coffee and she called right when we decided to go to walmart together to get a few things. Of course I didn't answer. She called 2 more times while I was out. My brother called when he got home, told me he arrived home to a slew of messages from her on his answering machine (I had let my mailbox fill so she had no way to leave a message on my mine). She was seeing UFO's and was in a right panicked yet exhilirated state, rapid speech, etc. It turns out she wasn't seeing NOTHING at all, she just wanted to see what she wanted to see. A few men in the neighborhood enjoy flying elaborate kites. THey've attached little watch battery powered LED colored lights, and they fly them at night. THey don't see the kite in the dark but the lights make it fun for night flying anyhow. My brother told her this so she'd realize it wasn't UFO's. She wouldn't believe him. He told her which neighbors and to ask them herself and maybe stop by tonight to see the kites in action, proof right there. She wouldn't believe.
This morning the calls started again. She hasn't slept obviously, she's manic beyond manic. My machine was cleared before bed, it filled up this morning with messages. She's called the local newspapers and whatnot, been to all the neighbors doors in her townhouse complex to tell them to watch the "night skies" and to "be careful and keep your kids and pets indoors after dark". My brother? Popped into his fox hole. Answering machine shut off to avoid messages. Cell phone turned off so he can remain out of touch. My phone keeps ringing.
I said I wouldn't feel guilt or shame that I wasn't going to continue to be the one to force her to get help, to drag her to the psychiatric hospital for emergency admittance to stabilize on medications agains. I said I was not going to feel ashamed that I had to seperate our lives out of self preservation for the kids and I.
Why do I feel so wretched? It feels wrong to not help. It's eating at me.
At the same time I'm angry as all get out and want to rage at someone (her, but that's been done and gets nothing accomplished). I did this no contact, cut her out thing, for a darn good reason. I KNOW This. Why do I feel this way?
(Not really needing an answer, I mean I logically KNOW, Know what I mean?? Just needed to let it out somewhere that didn't infect my S/O or kids with my own feelings on this, they've been through it long enough over my mother)
her only remaining contact to any family at all is my brother, who avoids all unpleasantness. They live only doors apart so he puts up with a lot, but when the shoe falls, he disappears, avoids etc. He has never and will never stick around when she is really delusional etc.
Anyhow, i swore I wouldn't feel guilt, shame, neglectful, a pitiful excuse for a daughter etc the next time she went off her medications (voluntarily) and "lost the plot". I had heard recently through my bro's flavor of the week g/f (sadly so nice a woman I want to warn her off lol) that my mother has become very paranoid. Screens all calls although with her 5th new phone number in 7 months, only my brother has the number (and me, since despite not in contact with her, she goes through phases of dialing my house sometimes a dozen times in a day so I have the number on the call display). Has started locking front and back doors, including storm doors, keeping all blinds shut and has put up heavy curtains over top. Only my brother goes to her door, she peeps and takes ages to feel "Safe" first before she'll open the door for him. I felt truly saddened hearing this, however I've seen it before and often she gets balanced back out on her own before things to too far.
She hadn't called in a week or more. It felt like a nice break from the incessant ringing of the phone that I'll not answer once I see her number on display. It upsets me when she gets to doing the crazy phone dialing thing. Yesterday had several calls in the day. In the evening 2-3 more. My brother and his g/f came for coffee and she called right when we decided to go to walmart together to get a few things. Of course I didn't answer. She called 2 more times while I was out. My brother called when he got home, told me he arrived home to a slew of messages from her on his answering machine (I had let my mailbox fill so she had no way to leave a message on my mine). She was seeing UFO's and was in a right panicked yet exhilirated state, rapid speech, etc. It turns out she wasn't seeing NOTHING at all, she just wanted to see what she wanted to see. A few men in the neighborhood enjoy flying elaborate kites. THey've attached little watch battery powered LED colored lights, and they fly them at night. THey don't see the kite in the dark but the lights make it fun for night flying anyhow. My brother told her this so she'd realize it wasn't UFO's. She wouldn't believe him. He told her which neighbors and to ask them herself and maybe stop by tonight to see the kites in action, proof right there. She wouldn't believe.
This morning the calls started again. She hasn't slept obviously, she's manic beyond manic. My machine was cleared before bed, it filled up this morning with messages. She's called the local newspapers and whatnot, been to all the neighbors doors in her townhouse complex to tell them to watch the "night skies" and to "be careful and keep your kids and pets indoors after dark". My brother? Popped into his fox hole. Answering machine shut off to avoid messages. Cell phone turned off so he can remain out of touch. My phone keeps ringing.
I said I wouldn't feel guilt or shame that I wasn't going to continue to be the one to force her to get help, to drag her to the psychiatric hospital for emergency admittance to stabilize on medications agains. I said I was not going to feel ashamed that I had to seperate our lives out of self preservation for the kids and I.
Why do I feel so wretched? It feels wrong to not help. It's eating at me.
At the same time I'm angry as all get out and want to rage at someone (her, but that's been done and gets nothing accomplished). I did this no contact, cut her out thing, for a darn good reason. I KNOW This. Why do I feel this way?
(Not really needing an answer, I mean I logically KNOW, Know what I mean?? Just needed to let it out somewhere that didn't infect my S/O or kids with my own feelings on this, they've been through it long enough over my mother)