My daughter is sleeping around!!! HELP!!!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by bran155, Sep 24, 2008.

  1. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Hello all, I hope everyone is doing well. I haven't been on in a few weeks, more computer problems, I need a new one.

    My difficult child has been driving me nuts as usual. She comes and goes as she pleases with no regard for rules whatsoever. Our social worker comes for her visit weekly and ends up giving me therapy as my daughter does not show up to participate. My sw is trying her best to get me to detach and not be so wrapped up in my daughter's life anymore. She says I have already done everything I can for her and it is now up to her to change her life. I already know this it's just hard to do. How do I not worry? I can't sleep at night, I am having nightmares about my difficult child almost daily. I sleep for 30 minutes and wake up, this goes on all night long. My husband and I have stopped giving her anything we are not legally bound to give her, food, shelter and hygiene products is all she gets. I will not allow her to have company in my house and we barely talk to her as we are all just so fed up. If she is not home by curfew the door gets locked for the night. So she stays out all night and waits on the porch for us to open the door in the morning. It has been hell.

    Now I am learning that my beautiful baby girl is sleeping around. She just took 2 pregnancy tests, both were negative, thank the Lord and she just got her period. I know of 10 guys she has been with, God only knows how many others there are. A friend of mine has told me that my daughter's name is all over the streets, she has a reputation of a ****. She has admitted to me that she sleeps with boys very quickly and they don't even have to be her boyfriend!!! I have been sick over this, physically sick!!! This is killing me. I am conumed with worry, what if she has HIV or some other disease. She will not go to the doctor, she has never been to the gyno - she just flat out refuses to go. We have been trying to get her to go for years. Her therapist and our sw have been pushing for her to get a check up as well. To no avail of course. She swears she is using condoms, but I don't believe her one bit. She lies like the best of them. What bothers me the most is her lack of self respect and self worth. My God can't she see what she is doing to herself. She just doesnt love herself. She is not ignorant, I have been talking to her about sex since she was 11. I, to this day, lecture her on the importance of respecting her body and how important it is to hold her sexuality with very high regard, to have high standards and to be with someone who she is in love with as well as who is in love with her. I STRESS the importance of using protection, I have forced her to watch numerous documentaries on STDs and AIDS. She doesnt care, she doesnt care about herself. It is like torture to my soul to know she is permiscuious. I love this child so much, she is killing me!!!

    What can I do to help her at this pont? She has been in 3 rtcs, had 9 in-patient hospitalization, we have a sw as well as an intensive case manager and she has all kinds of services at her reach. She just wont participate in any of them. I have filled out an application for her to go into independent living. So when she turns 18 (in Feb) she can move out. I love her, I just can't watch her destroy herself any longer. I am petrified she will contract AIDS, I couldn't handle that. This is all I think about. It has taken over my life, this worry is suffocating me.

    Thanks for listening. I welcome any advice. God bless.
     
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Bran...step back. You can do nothing at all. Nothing. Short of catching her when she is sleeping and chaining her to her bed, which is illegal...there is absolutely nothing you can do.

    Pray she doesnt get pregnant or get a STD. You have told her the risks...she knows them. At this point she doesnt care.

    I was her at her age. I honestly dont know how many people I have slept with. Couldnt tell you if I had to. I lost count. Yeah...Im ashamed. Somehow I got incredibly lucky and I came out the other side ok. I never got sick. How is something that will always be a mystery to me.

    Hopefully in time your daughter will tire of this life too.
     
  3. bby31288

    bby31288 Active Member

    Bran,

    Janet is right. Take a deep breath, step back. Try and take care of yourself. You need to get some sleep.

    At 17 there is little you can do. I'm sorry. I don't have much more to offer. For some reason to kids today its no big deal sleeping with someone. Its not even a respect thing anymore.

    You are doing what you can. If she's not home, you lock the door. She knows the consequence's. How much longer till she's 18?
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    There is nothing you can do, but learn to detach or go crazy. When my daughter used drugs, I worried she'd die, but I couldn't stop her from using drugs. She had to decide to stop. Is your daughter also a drug user? Is she maybe on a manic high, which can make one hypersexual and lacking in inhibitions? If that were me, I would be taking issue with her medications. Two antidepressants? I have a mood disorder and two anti-depressants would put me in Planet Nowhere and make me nuts. Is she worse than she used to be? If so, I'd think about those medications.
     
  5. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I know it breaks your heart to watch her doing this, but she has to learn on her own terms.

    I would suggest writing the rules of your home on the fridge, in black and white, and keeping them there. One of those rules would be a time when the door was locked at night. If she's not there, so be it.

    She knows right from wrong - you've taught her. As much as it hurts, these are HER CHOICES and you can't make them for her. All you can do is pray and hope she hits her bottom sooner rather than later. Stepping back will allow her to get closer.

    Many, many gentle hugs. And tons of prayers going up with yours.
     
  6. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Bran, is there any way you can set aside the anger and hurt that is very understandable by the way and talk to her about getting on birth control. Perhaps offer to make her the appointment and pay for the procedure or drugs. Believe me I know this is difficult. I am facing a very similar situation.

    Two weeks ago I finally decided I couldn't deny that my difficult child was sexually active, and much like your daughter, very casually. I was sick with worry about her being pregnant or getting a std. I did get her the guardasil vaccine last year but I finally called to make an appointment for birth control. She has the appointment this Friday. Since she is under 18 a parent has to come with her and while I am not happy about this it is the most responsible thing I can do at this point. She is completely irresponsible about taking medications so we are looking at other options. I told her if she was making adult choices she needed to act like an adult and be responsible for those choices.

    I don't know how you go about getting your daughter to respect herself and her body more. I struggle with that all the time. My husband and I tell her that she is a wonderful, smart, beautiful girl who deserves so much more and that she needs to respect herself, but until she wants to change it won't happen. She is seeing a counselor now who is helping her in that regard but in your situation you can't force her to go.

    In the meantime for your own peace of mind and her future try to get her on birth control. Perhaps that will give her time to mature and make better choices, or hit rock bottom and start to crawl up. But at least she will be doing it without bringing another life into the equation.

    Nancy
     
  7. CatMat

    CatMat Stressed Out!!

    Bran,
    It sounds like you are doing all you are capable of doing.... she needs to step up to the plate to better herself. She needs to "want" to better herself.
    I feel for you...... I have a 15 year old difficult child who is choosing to hang with less than desirable kids and getting himself into trouble again on a regular basis. Had a great start to school this year but has now found his old ways again. I too can not understand why he doesn't see what he's doing to himself, and spend many nights laying awake as well. You have to know in yourself you are doing everything in your power to help her and then you may find a small bit of peace to help you get through it.
    Day by Day is how we deal with our difficult child.... sometimes hour to hour....
    We too have pulled back alot of the extras, and he also leaves when he feels like it.

    Hang in there !!!!!
     
  8. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, Bran, {{hugs}}.

    I am so sorry.
    There isn't anything you can do. Going by your note, you have done everything, and all the right things. (Your soc.wkr sounds wonderfull, by the way!)

    Your daughter is old enough to learn from her own mistakes and all you can do is tell her that you love her and do not wish her any harm.
    I hope she talks to you and confides in you honestly at some point.
    Is she in school?
    I cannot imagine how painful this must be. I am so sorry.
     
  9. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Have you considered medication for yourself? Two years ago I was not sleeping and felt like I was going to be a "cry baby" any day due to the stress. Someone on the CD family suggested Lexapro and I went for it.
    It didn't "drug me" but it made it possible for me to feel much more normal that I had felt for awhile. Maybe it would help you, too.

    I'm sorry for your pain. Believe me, I do understand. Hugs. DDD
     
  10. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Thank you all for your kind words.

    I should update my sig., her medications have changed, she is on Lithium, Geodon, Lamictal and Cogentin, no more anit-depressants. She has been on this combo for around 4 months. The medications are helping with her rages, she does curse me and everyone around her out almost daily, but nothing to the extent where I need the police, which is an improvement.

    I have tried so hard to convince her to go the the doctor and get on birth control. She is afraid to go, she wont take the pill for fear of gaining weight. Oh - the irony, I told her the weight gain would be a lot worse if she were to get pregnant. I told her that I would go with her on the same day and get a check up as well. Nothing works. She just wont go.

    She isn't in school yet, the Board of Ed is having a hard time getting her placed as she has a horrific record. They are trying. She has exhausted all of the options by now. She has been in so many different school settings and her record would scare a convict!!! So, she basically sleeps all day and hangs out and smokes weed all night. Bright future - hu?

    She is a beautiful girl with the potential to achieve greatness, she just doesn't believe that. I know her life will not get any better unless and until she wants it, unless she feels she is worthy of happiness. Her actions scream self hatred. We praise her as much as we can, for the smallest things like putting her dirty dish in the sink or picking up her dirty clothes off the bathroom floor. We look for the positives, unfortunately they are small, far and few between.

    Dealing with her is much like dealing with a drug addict. She must hit rock bottom and want to get better before anything starts looking up for her. As a mother that is so utterly frustrating, I am scared of what will happen in the meantime. I look back and remember when she was a little girl, I had big dreams for her, I believed she could be President. Now, my dreams are dead, now I dream of keeping her alive and out of prison. How sad.

    Thanks again, your support and well wishes mean so much to me.

    Janet, thank you for sharing your personal experiences with me, you have done that in the past as well. :)

    I will keep you posted. God bless. :)
     
  11. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    DDD, yes I would absolutely take medications. In fact - you got any - I will pay top dollar!!! LOL

    I do not have health insurance, so I am in the process of looking for a clinic for myself. The problem would be paying for the medication itself. We are on a tight budget, living paycheck to paycheck, like I'm sure half the country is, so it's hard. I am trying though. Thanks for the advice. :)
     
  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Bran....if you can get into a clinic to get them to prescribe a medication ask for something on the $4 formulary from Walmart or Walgreens. Most clinics know what you are talking about. Also if you meet income guidelines some of the pharma companies will send you the scripts for free. There are ways to get your medications. I had to do it for two years and my medications are high dollar medications.
     
  13. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Bran...many hugs. I've been off the board for a few days so I missed this earlier. So sorry you're dealing with all this.
     
  14. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Bran, you've received some great advice from the others. I am sending support, prayers and many gentle hugs. Please be gentle with yourself. You've done everything you can for your daughter, you need to take care of you now.

    Trinity
     
  15. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    So sorry for your pain. It never is easy. I'm glad that her social worker is counseling you. Like the others said, maybe she can refer you to a doctor who will prescribe something for you to make you less miserable.

    The sad reality is, your daughter is going to do whatever it is she is going to do and (apparently) nothing you can do will stop her. Your worrying and being miserable won't make it any better. In fact, it might make it more difficult for you to be available to help her should she become pregnant or ill, or if she should ask for your help to turn her life around. Please take care of yourself. Only time will tell what happens.
     
    Last edited: Sep 24, 2008
  16. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Just sending more support today. {{hugs}}
     
  17. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Thank you Terry for thinking of me again today, it means a lot.

    Janet - great idea, I forgot all about the $4 thing at Walmart. I see the commercial all of the time, but never put it together!!!! That is exactly what I am going to do. Finding the clinic is easy, it's the cost of the medications that would be difficult. So thank you.

    Thank you to all of you who responded - your words really do help - they give me courage and strength I SO need.

    God bless. :)
     
  18. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    I second the birth control thought, it's not an answer to the problem but it will prevent another one from occurring. I would make sure she took it right in front of you too. I wish I had more advice. I am at my witts end with my 17 y/o son. His girlfriend has more experience at 15 then I do, in my whole 38 years!
     
  19. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sending gentle hugs and prayers your way.
     
  20. Charmedpea

    Charmedpea New Member

    Hi Brann,

    Sending huggs your way. I feel like you were talking about my daughter. she is only 14yrs, definate, cursing at anyone and everyone. day four of school she was suspended then expelled for 80 days so she does what ever she pleases. I would say minus the drugs but honestly I dont know.
    We have a court date oct 10th we shall see.

    She doesnt get her way all hell breaks loose. Its getting worse and worse. will she be aloud back in school. they finished up their testing today we are waiting to see if she gets an IEP. The lady at the school that did her testing says she agrees with me their is something wrong. Once they meet and if they make the desision to label her for an IEP it will be for mentally disdurbed. Label sounds really bad but if that is what its going to take to get her back into school..

    Part of me hopes she gets locked up. Maybe that will be the reality check she needs. That the world does not revolve around her. And no means no, and nothing else. she is relentless. If she is locked up, I wont have to worry about her turning our house upside down.

    If I can get threw the next 4yrs.

    charmed
     
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