Narcicistic father. Is he too old for me to take a stand?

[witzend]

He even picks on my dogs. "They're expensive and YOU CAN'T AFFORD THEM!"

OMG - are we sisters? Did you forget the part about "You could be saving that money! And I'm sure I saw it sniffing at your kitchen counter!"

I wish my father drank. At least it would be an excuse for his horrible behavior...

Let me assure you that anything that they wouldn't have the nerve to say to you when they're sober they would most definitely have the nerve to say to you when they're drunk. And then some.

My mother told me one time, "I never said about anyone, 'I sure like him when he's drunk.' " I think that pretty much applied to my dad, although I don't think she knew how much she was saying at the time. My dad only ever beat us children, so far as I know. I think he was sober when he did. He was a happy drunk who came to great realizations when he was drinking and tried to set them straight when he was sober, which was only every night when he came home from work before he could get his drunk on.

I know he terrorized my mom, but she would never leave him. She'd only ever been with him, since she was 13 years old. He terrorized us when we were young, and beat us and called us names you wouldn't call a dog when we got tall.

 

[witzend]

3D, that is just sad...

 

[DammitJanet]

MWM, wasnt it too long ago that you were having issues with your sister? Dont know that I would completely trust her.

Honestly the man is 88. While he has been doing this your whole life, you have put up with it all your life. I seriously doubt you have much longer to deal with it unless he is extremely lucky. Most men dont live that much past 88. I would send him "Thinking of you cards" that arent mushy, call him on a schedule that you set on your calendar, and just talk to him about non-committal things such as the weather, how those Packers are doing, stupid stuff like that. If he tries to get into mean talk, I would say...Oh gosh dad, there is another call beeping in from Jumper's school, I really need to take it...bye!

 

[BusynMember]

Witz, I didn't think of the beating. While Dad was pretty violent, throwing and breaking things and pushing us, he didn't beat us. Maybe if he drank, he would have. So I guess it's a blessing that he didn't also drink, although I can't imagine what he could SAY that would be worse than what he already says.

Janet, yes, mostly to due our parents, the siblings have had periods of time where we thought one another was doing this/that to each other. A dysfunctional family is dysfunctional all the way around. Sister and I have pledged that this is the last time we'd let him cause trouble between us,b ut, of course, you're right. You never know. Money has a way of stirring up old feelings that causing it's own sort of trouble.

I'll check up on Dad twice a week, like I've been doing. We usually only have two minute conversations because he isn't really interested in talking to me about anything. It's largely about the weather. Seriously...lol. I'm not going to lower myself to sending him loving letters that I don't feel. Right now I'm just not in the mood to kiss his feet.

Trust me, I often get off the phone, telling him various excuses. I don't make it about the kids though because then he'll say (I kid you not), "You always put your k ids before me!" and it makes him angry. Sad, I know.

My grandfather, father's dad, died at 88, just as clearheaded and mean as ever. His kids, including my father, were terrified of him. He was not much taller than five feet tall, but his kids both feared and worshipped him. The apple didn't fall far from the tree here.

 

[Nancy]

MWM I have found that rarely does the apple fall far from the tree, therefore those of us who have had dysfunctional parents need to always remember that and work very hard to change the hardwiring that we were born with. I find myself stopping when I start to say something that he would say or reacting in a way he would. I never want my kids to think about me the way I do about him.

Nancy

 

[BusynMember]

Me too, Nancy. Amen to all you said.

 

[muttmeister]

Well, you have several things to consider here:

First, if he is 88 and you haven't taken a stand at this point, why do you want to do it now? He is not going to change. In fact, the older he gets, the worse it will probably get.

Second, if you take a stand and he gets POed, what will be the consequences and can you live with them? Is he going to get angry and abusive and be mad for a few days, weeks, etc. and then get over it or is he going to get mad and never get over it? If something should happen to him while you are estranged would you think, "Oh, well" or would you feel guilt that will bother you later? Some battles aren't worth fighting just for your own sanity.

Third, how important is the inheritance to you? If that is the only reason you are putting up with him, is it really worth it? ONly you can answer that one.

I like the person who said yes, he is too old to confront but that you don't have to play his game.

When people become angry and difficult when they are old, it is hard enough to deal with but when, as in this case, it has been going on forever, there is a whole history and lots of habits established. NO matter what you do, at this point, his personality is not going to change. You are not going to make him see the light. So what remains is for you to decide if you want to poke the bear with a stick and see what happens.

If you really must know, I think I'd check on him occasionally just to make sure he's OK and pretty much ignore everything else. Nobody can make you feel bad about yourself unless you let them.

 

[Nomad]

I can so empathize. My father, also a narcissist, was very similar. He was very abusive to both my mother and myself.
After my mother died, it got even worse.
We were largely estranged. When he got older, I would call him once a year to ask him if he needed anything. And, I was willing to the best of my abiity to get him anything he might need. When he was on his death bed, it was very weird. He had told his friends horrible and untrue things about me. He would shift from bragging about me to saying that I was a horrible person with-i a second.
You asked: Is it too late for that? Cruel to do that to such an old man? Is it worth it?
Well, I would not be ok with him calling you any names. No one should be able to do this. But, I would try to control your temper. I would just say something like "I'm going to hang up the phone now Dad, because I do not approve of you calling me a bad name..." or something like this.
And, as he gets older, if you are able, you might volunteer to help with crucial things now and again. Like picking up a loaf of bread, talking to a doctor, paying for a prescription. But, I would limit your involvement. You are fortunate that you have family members that can help. It is a bad reflection on you if you are unkind. But, I personally believe, even family members should earn the respect of one another...no one gets a total free ride in my book. I believe that family members get more chances (for lack of a better word) and additional help, but that's about it. They must make efforts and be respectful. I would NOT put up with abuse and greatly limit your involvement.

 

[BusynMember]

I have no intention of being rude or mean and I don't expect him to change. LOL, I swear, he was born this way.

Dad is physically in very good shape and likes to do things like shopping himself. He is still allowed to drive! I offered to let him live with me (fortunately he said no way). I am in Wisconsin, he is in Illinois. There isn't much I can do for him and he never asks.