Need Help Please~

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by louisedmn, Jul 26, 2011.

  1. louisedmn

    louisedmn New Member

    Hi, I need help. I have a 19 yr old son that still lives at home. He has been smoking Pot and drinking for the last several months. I noticed it has gotten worse, his attitude over the last few weeks. He has a friend that was in and out of rehab and half-way houses for a year that he calls his best friend. This so called friend got himself kicked out of his mother's house and he lives with his dad who has no rules for him to follow and he runs wild, all the while with no car. My son has a car and seems to be the taxi of choice for these great friends! He was working steady for 7 months and then just blew off the job and never showed up. this was the beginning of June. He was out of work and looking for ajob and just started one yesterday. I asked him to please stop the running around during the week when he has to work and it falls on deaf ears. He worked a 10 hr day today and when I called him to see where he was he was at his friend's house, the one I spoke of. He can't seem to stay away from this kid. This kid is gonna get him in trouble, and worse maybe arrested and he laughs it off. He says, I 've been detained by the cops several times and never arrested, not gonna happen. He's so sarcastic and just down right brazen, thinking he knows it all. I plead with him to stay away from the kids but I fear these are the enablers for his drug and alcohol use. He's been lying about things too and I caught him several times in the lie. This kis seems to rule his day Occupational Therapist (OT) day existance and I want it to stop. We pay for his cellphone and car because he just got this job. We have given him money when he needed it. My husband says to stop with money giving and when he doesn't have gas in his car he can't go anywhere. I love him dearly and have always supported him with anything he wanted to do. I tell him I love him and don't want to see him get in trouble but it's like I'm an idiot and don't know what I'm talking about. I really wish this kid would get caught with drugs during his next pee test and get sent away again. I know that's awful but if he isn't around he tends not to stray far from home, like he did last yr when he was away. I would love to tell him that if this kid is so important to him and he can't live without him then he should move in with him and his dad, but he leaves the car here and the cellphone. I bite my tongue because I don't want to say something I will regret later. His dad is furious with him and he takes it out on me like I can fix him! I have tried everything short of asking him to leave. I don't think that's the answer for him. He's nasty to his dad yet when he wants money he goes to him! Unbelievable! Well, guess I rambled enough! thanks for the vent,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Louise
     
  2. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    I hate to be the bearer of bad news but you might have to follow the actions of the "friend's" mom and boot him out. He is a legal adult and has the LUXURY and PRIVILEGE to have his needs provided for him. For many of our difficult child's, they need to learn the hard way that they are not "entitled" to anything from their parents once they turn 18.

    {{{{(((HUGS)))}}}} to you. I am glad you found us but am also so very sorry you had to. Others with more experience will come along to share their ideas. Remember to take care of YOU.
     
  3. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    I would not in any way support an adult who is disrespectful and not following your house rules as he lives there. This is hard to do. But, at the very least you and husband need to sit down, write out the house rules if he is going to live there (including not running around on work nights), and I would add random drug tests. It is your home. He needs to pay you something each month and do chores. My 23 year old is a great kid who lives at home. When he hit 18, the rent started. Unless he was in school, he had to pay. He is a sober kid, but we did tell him there would be no drunkeness in our home (you never know when they will try). We want to know when he will be home, no overnight guests, and he will attend Sunday dinner and do chores. The only way they grow up and leave is if they are motivated and trained to do so. I understand not wanting him out-19 year old boys can be very immature. I didn't want ours gone either. But no way was he going to get the message that he didn't have to grow up. The approach has worked for him.

    If he pitches a fit-let him go. You do not have the power to stop him if he decides to go down this slippery path. Honestly that power went away a few years ago. Keep telling him you love him and have faith he will figure out how to pay his cell,gas and rent. If not it will be harder to figure out in the real world.

    This is tough. Hugs to you and take care of your self.
     
  4. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Oh hugs this is a hard situation. One thing I would say is don't put all the blame on the other kid. Your son is responsible for his own actions, and although he may be influenced by this other kid, your son needs to be held accountable for his own behavior.... I wouldn't mention any of your feelings about his friend to him, it won't get you anywhere.

    It sounds like your son has a substance abuse problem... have no idea how serious but I would recommend you cut off anything that supports his drug use. So don't give him money and insist he pay for gas. I agree with exhausted sit down with hubby and write up a list of house rules, give it to him and tell him that if he lives there he needs to follow the rules. It is reasonable to tell him that if he is living with you he cant use drugs...although it gets into a slippery slope because that is something you probably know he will lie about. Don't know if you want to get into drug testing him or not... that can also be a slippery slope as we found out, because they will find ways around the drug tests.

    The thing is if you tell him he needs to follow the rules to live there, then you need to be ready to kick him out if he doesn't...that is hard to do but sometimes what is needed.

    Letting him live at your house and not follow the rules is enabling his bad behavior and does him no good.

    TL
     
  5. seriously

    seriously New Member

    This is going to be hard to swallow - but your husband is right.

    As others have said - your son is a man. He has to bear the consequences for the choices he is making - as a man.

    The longer you protect him the worse it is going to be.

    Do you really want to teach him that it is ok to prey on those who love him? Because that's what he has started to do.

    You and your husband need to sit down and decide together what the rules will be and the consequences of those rules - even if it means he gets kicked out with no where to go and no phone and no car. Your son owes everything to you and he needs to understand that he's making choices that are putting all of that at risk.

    Then you and your husband together must tell your son what the rules are and what will happen if (when) he breaks the rules.

    Next is the most important step - you MUST follow through.

    The rest of the world is not going to say "oh honey, you're just a young kid, you've fallen in with bad company, here you can have a second chance."

    They're going to say "you were caught with drugs, you were caught with stolen property, you were transporting drugs for sale" etc.

    and the world will crash on him.

    The only prayer you have of helping keep that from happening is to do it to him FIRST. Maybe he will learn the lesson before he gets a criminal record and so addicted to drugs that he can't go anywhere but the street.

    Hugs. it's hard but you have to do this Mom. Your son doesn't know it but he's counting on you to hold the line and tell him with your actions that he is a MAN now.
     
  6. Zardo

    Zardo Member

    I'm new too and I'm so sorry for your situation. Before I say my advice, I want to tell you that my osn is 15. I tell you that becauase sometimes the answers seem so easy from people that have not been there, so I need to let you know that while I have an opinion, I have walked close to your shoes, but not completely. Having said that.....I do think it's time for him to move out on his own, get his own car, phone, etc. He has chosen a life path right now that would be impossible to support inside your home. You can tell him how much you love him and you can tell him ways in which you will continue to support him, ie. paying for councelsing or medications, etc, but that you cannot live peacefully in your house seeing his choices every day. "I love you and we are here for you. We will support all positive choices that you make, but cannot live with the stress of watching the negative choices youa are making" should be the message. It seems like you fear him getting in trouble, maybe a DUI or possession incident? Sometimes, it's these things that inspire change. For me, our biggest action moment this year was when our son got arrested and expelled form school for posession. Our problems are far from over, but there is no hiding or denying any more and he has put himself into his current situation as opposed to us forcing things upon him. You have already warned him and told him where this behavior will lead. As many kids like this do, he thinks you're the idiot - time to let him find out on his own so that he can pull himself up.

    I hope that helps. Stay strong and protect your boundaries.
     
  7. seriously

    seriously New Member

    One of the best one liners I know is

    "I will love you no matter where you live."
     
  8. mrsammler

    mrsammler Guest

    Stop paying his cell phone bill and his car expenses. He's 19 and if he's not a full-time college student, he's on his own and needs to begin adult life. In any event, his lying and disrespect and rule-breaking are not to be endured, especially from a 19-year-old. Cut off the financial support and, if this behavior keeps up, put him out of the house. He needs to understand that childhood is over and that whatever he might get from you, he gets by dint of your generosity (which is earned by his behavior, not an entitlement), not your obligation, and that in any event he is a man now and needs to begin living as an adult.
     
  9. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    I agree with stopping pay his expenses... that is a good idea. However you might want to keep paying the cell phone bill. I know for me it is the one way we have continued contact, it gave me some semblance of peace of mind that he could reach us if he needed to, and when i have been really worried I could at least look at the cell phone website and see where he has been calling. There have been times when that is how assured myself he was still alive... so yeah we will keep paying his cell phone bill, not for his sake but for ours.

    TL
     
  10. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Im so sorry that you find yourself in this position but as a mother of 3 sons I can tell you my opinion. I would definitely take away that car if it is in your name or on your insurance. No way would any kid of mine have access to a vehicle that I was in anyway responsible for be able to get behind that wheel when they were possibly using or even letting one of their friends drive the car when they are using. Kids pass around cars like they are game controllers these days. It astounds me because I wont let anyone drive my car but I see other people let anyone borrow their cars.

    I would also set rules for your home. You deserve respect in your house. If you want to have a curfew in your house that everyone is in the house by 11 pm...fine and dandy. Obviously no drugs or alcohol by those under age. You make the rules. If he doesnt want to comply, there is a whole big world he can go live in. Feel free.
     
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