Need help with my 17 year old son

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Fmy, Oct 5, 2014.

  1. Fmy

    Fmy New Member

    My son is 17 and a senior in high school. I am a divorced mom doing my best to raise him right while his father (who was abusive to my son & myself-physically, verbally, financially and emotionally) has manipulated my son against me and my rules. My son has failed multiple classes & is already failing multiple classes this school year. He & his dad have decided that my son is to old for rules and therefore can do whatever he wants. The first night of school my son didn't stroll in until after midnight so I grounded him for the week from hanging out with his friends. The following week he just didn't come home. He took a couple bags of his stuff and left. He told me he can do whatever he wants & live wherever he wants since he is 17.

    I have contacted the school about the situation and my sons personal counselor. For over a week I didn't have a clue where my son was or who he was with. I tried to follow his friend one day but lost them. I finally resorted to searching for him through facebook names and then property searches. The kid he is with is no longer a high schooler. The parents of that kid refuse to speak with or contact me in any way yet they will speak to my lying ex husband. He and my son have filled them with so many lies that when I confronted them (when my ex husband was present unfortunately) they were rude and refused to speak with me or give me a phone number I have stopped by their house several times & left my number in the door but NOTHING. Now I found out my son is smoking marijuana again. I had a problem with him earlier in the year and now randomly drug test him at home. He smokes while in their "care" now. I found this out because he apparently snap chated pictures of himself doing it.

    He lies all the time. He gets that from his father who is a pathological liar and a drunk. My son is following his dad's footsteps. He thinks physical abuse is ok because everything is everyone else's fault. Everything has an excuse. Now he & his dad are threatening to get him imancipated. My ex doesn't care what damage he is inflicting on my son. It's probably funny to him to make me miserable. After his wife was convicted (because of my ex) of identity theft and governmental fraud against me, he has been at all out war. My son just doesn't seem to get it.

    I'm lost. I don't know what I can do. I've been told I need to contact the police and have my son declared a runaway. I've told my son in the past, if I caught him smoking weed again that I would turn him in & force him to go to rehab. I know any action I take will just fuel the fire. The people he is living with can't be very good for him since they wouldn't contact his cosodial parent-me. In one breath they told me they are strict parents and in the next they told me they are never home. In 3 weeks time they have done NOTHING to contact me or even respond to the letters I've left on their door.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there. I'm really sorry you are going through these hard times. When is your son going to turn eighteen? My daughter knew a boy who was not a bad kid, but his parents were very controlling and abusive so he took off the day he turned eighteen. The cops wouldn't do anything...said he was an adult.

    I am really not that sure there is anything you can or should have so little time and he is going to do what he wants to do and you will not be able to control his choices nor can you control is father. I don't think a rehab will take him unless he consents. I am not sure about that, but unless he is in legal trouble and the court is giving him a choice between jail and rehab, he may not go. I'm not SURE about that, but I do think it's true. At any rate, there is only one person within your control...YOURSELF. You can control your reaction to all this chaos, but you can't change it.

    Do you see a therapist yourself? Do you take care of yourself at all? Do you have younger kids at home who maybe should not live with him? Is he ever dangerous and maybe SHOULD live away from your home, even if Dad is a bad influence? Clearly he is going to include his dad in his life anyway...
    Last edited: Oct 5, 2014
  3. Fmy

    Fmy New Member

    He will be 18 in a little over 4 months. He has a younger sister at home, she just turned 16. He's never gotten violent with us but doesn't think anything against it. A couple months ago his dad was hitting his new wife (thankfully my kids weren't there). She took off and my ex put a machete completely through his leg.
    When my ex used to attack me my son would say that I should just not do this or that and his dad wouldn't be mean. My ex also used to abuse my son (my reason for leaving). It got so bad I couldn't let my kids stay home alone with my ex, I never knew when he would blow and I couldn't come between them if they were alone with him. My son HATED his dad for a long time. He got panic attacks and begged me not to make him go with his dad. He even called the cops on his dad. He used to hide under his bed and call me for help. That was 5 years ago when we got divorced. My ex didn't have any interest in a relationship EVER until the last couple years. All he had to do was buy a relationship and they are best friends.

    I haven't done counseling since group counseling at the domestic violence shelter. Most of the time I don't think about it but lately all of this garbage with my son is making the other stuff resurface. My ex is harassing me again. I moved 100 miles away so the stalking would stop but it's easy the harass and make threats through texting.

    It's a scary thought that no matter what I have done to give him a stable, loving home, he is still turning out like his dad.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You should NOT be stalked. At the same time I know that cops are often useless about this issue. To me, right now I'm afraid for YOU. Can you change your phone number and not give it to your ex or your son? Can't he contact you by e-mail? Right now your son is not in a good place emotionally and, yes, it is sometimes uncanny about the strength of genetics. They often seem stronger than nurture!
  5. Fmy

    Fmy New Member

    I moved because the police wouldn't do anything. My ex husband is a "prominent business owner" and I'm just a mom. The police gave me a piece of paper when I was with my ex after he had attacked me and said if I wanted to leave to go to the shelter. Great, thanks for your COMPLETE lack of helping officer! My ex had a chat with them and they left. They didn't take pictures of my bruises or file a report. I pray my son never goes that far but he is already on a good road to it. He tattooed himself over the summer, he drinks and smokes with his dad, smokes dope with his friends and who knows what else. My rules are simple. I want honesty, I want him home by 10 on school nights, I want him to pass his classes at school, no drugs or alcohol and save his money. I don't think any of that is asking to much.
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    It's not asking too much. difficult children just don't like any rules, including societal rules.

    I'm so sorry the police did nothing while you were being stalked by your ex. Please keep taking care of yourself. That is the most important thing you can do right now...for yourself and others who love you. You do have a daughter you still need to mother. Too often our difficult children take up so much of our emotional time and energy that we neglect our kids who are trying to do the right things. Trust me, I have been as guilty as anyone in this, but, in retrospect, I'm sorry I did.

    You can't control your son's activities by his age. Natural consequences will either teach him or at least catch up to him and get him into trouble beyond anyone's control, even his fathers. But you still can have a close, quality relationship with your daughter, your other beloved friends, and yourself.

    We'll be here for you. Hugs for your hurting mommy heart.
  7. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Protect yourself legally and report him as a minor no longer in your custody. They will not look for him because of his age. I know you want the best for your son. Right now you need to be safe. Do not contact the ex or these people.
  8. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    I am sorry you are in this very painful situation. You need legal advice. I would seek legal advice immediately and then go from there. Can you contact the Legal Aid Society in your area and find out about their process? I believe they are either free or very low-cost.

    Warm hugs for you from all of us.
  9. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Your son will be an adult in four months, that's a real tough one. The school should be contacting the authorities if he is not coming to class. You can force him into rehab, he is not yet an adult. I did that with my daughter. It took several years and a lot of legal trouble for her to finally decide to turn her life around. I understand your fear about him turning out just like his father. I adopted my daughter and she was on the same destructive path that her birthmother is on. Some genetic properties are so strong, no matter what you do.

    I'm so sorry, I know how difficult this is, have been there done that and wouldn't go back to those years for anything in the world.
  10. stressedmama

    stressedmama Active Member

    I am so sorry you are going through this. I don't have any advice on the legal stuff but in my experience, if you continue to do the right thing always by both your kids, one day hopefully he will see that you were there for him..the only one in his life (I'm assuming) that was ALWAYS there for him.

    I hope he makes the right choices and turns his life around before it gets too bad.

    In the meantime, I agree with everyone above...take care of yourself and take care of your daughter. Control what you can control and leave the rest up to God.
  11. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    You must take care of yourself and your daughter. THat must be your priority now. Your son, sadly, cannot be helped unless he wants that help. Good luck to him at being emmancipated. He must show maturity and some way to financially support himself. Smoking pot and skipping school does not show that, and courts will NOT look kindly on that. Report him missing as he is not iwth you where custody orders say he should be. That covers YOU from reports of neglect etc... in case this other family gets the brilliant idea of suing you for support for him living in their home. A friend here got sued for that recently because her daughter decided she wanted to live with her boyfriend and his mom. The support was denied as the daughter has a home with her mother, just doesn't want to live there. The boyfriend's mom lets them share a room sans birth control (cause that goes against God's plans for procreation, don'tcha know? - and yes the mom said that in court!!!) and drink and smoke and use all they want and the girl's mom won't let the boyfriend go into the bedrooms or let them smoke or drink alcohol or use any drugs or watch porn. Gee, is it any wonder the court said the mom not only doesn't have to pay support but that the daughter is supposed to live iwth mom and not the boyfriend. not that the cops will enforce it, but . . . The judge was furious about the 'God's plan for procreation' koi though - his rant was pretty good but made no impression on the boyfriend, the daughter or the boyfriend's mom (how is it okay with God for the kids to use drugs and watch porn??? but not to use birth control? some people make no sense!)

    Anyway, file a missing person report, then file harrassment/stalking charges against your ex as often as you can catch him. Change the number on your phone and let him email you. The cops in your area are not as likely to be influenced by your ex, so hopefully that helps you.

    Your area DV shelter will provide therapy to you as a survivor of DV and as someone being currently abused by an ex domestic partner - the stalking etc... are still DV and they will provide free therapy. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE take it. Trust me, it will make you a better and stronger and happier parent and person and it will help your daughter. Take your daughter to therapy also - it will help her avoid violent relationships and abusive patterns and of course that is what we all want for our daughter's!

    For your son, he knows that you love him and have rules bc you love him. Unless he ill abie by the rules, he can support himself. He won't find it easy and in a short time the new family will get tired of him. I have seen it here over and over. their true colors always emerge and the new family gets tired of the freeloading. Your ex's lies will emerge also, and if they don't, well, you don't want them as friends, do you?

    I am glad you found us, but sorry you need us.
  12. Fmy

    Fmy New Member

    Thank you for all of your replies. I have tried and tried to make contact with the people my son is staying with but they have refused thus far. They had my son message me tonight to meet them at the food court in the mall tomorrow. They think I am the one causing problems!!! That is laughable since they have been in contact with my psychotic ex and are all caught up in his lies. I plan on taking a stack of legal evidence including police records and psychiatric records as to my ex's lies and history of abuse. I am also going to print a copy of my sons failing grades and missed/skipped school since he has been with them.
  13. Fmy

    Fmy New Member

    I did tell my son, if he is going to lie, smoke weed & fail school that I don't want him back home. I have to think of my daughter first in this case. If he is going to be like his father, he can't be here.
  14. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    There is really no point in trying to force him home. Just report to the police he is not living with you so that they can't charge you with abandonment or neglect.

    As for meeting these people. I don't know that I would. They don't sound very responsible if they are allowing a teen to live with them without permission. Hell you could show up with the police and have them arrested for kidnapping if you wanted to. They have your kid and are refusing to allow you access to him.

    My parents took my difficult child home with then a few years ago. It was against my will but my only option would have been to threaten them with the police for kidnapping and I didn't want to do that to them. I did have legal paperwork done moving her into their care. It protected me legally and allowed them to enroll her in school.

    Right now you can't do much other than cover your own butt. If I met with these people I wouldn't do it alone and I would come with a plan to move your son into their custody. Unless of course you feel he isn't safe in their home. If that's the case I would come with a plan to report them and your son.

    Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
  15. Fmy

    Fmy New Member

    Since they seem content on believing the lies they have been fed, I have graciously put together a notebook of legal papers from the FOC, the police, the courts and the school documenting all of the untruths. If they still enjoy my exes company, I wouldn't want anything to do with them anyways. My ex said they other day that they are "great people". Frankly I don't take his opinion as anything because his close friends include a convicted murdered, a convicted embezzler and drunks. His former close friends won't have anything to do with him because of his behavior. If None of them will listen to reason, I'm done. He apparently is not worth my efforts And heartache.
  16. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    That's why we are encouraging covering yourself legally. They can do whatever they want. You could suffer if something goes wrong. Cover yourself.

    Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
  17. Fmy

    Fmy New Member

    I contacted the sheriffs office through my sons school. They have already paid my son a visit and are aware of the situation. I have also notified FOC, my sons counselor and the school.
  18. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Good call!

    Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app
  19. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    I agree about the meeting today per dstc's comments above. Be careful today not only with your physical safety but with yourself emotionally.

    We are vulnerable because of our love and fear for our children and people who have not walked in our shoes can wound us.

    So be careful. Decide what you want to have happen before you go and write it down. Refer to it if you get upset and confused. Nothing can make my best laid plans fly out of my head quicker than my own fear and love for my son.

    Keep us posted. We are here for you.
  20. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I would bring somebody with me for the meeting. You really don't know these people. Please, please take care!